Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Slacker Tuesday List Post: Rules for Living

Men who live alone with cats tend to be even more peculiar than women who live alone with cats. Don’t date a cat guy unless you have a very high tolerance for peculiar.

The best hangover cure is Gatorade, Dramamine, and a three-hour nap.

A gut-busting laugh will get you through any embarrassing situation that does not involve police, a corpse, or my mother.

You can’t help how you feel. You can, however, help what you do about it.

Doubts are healthy. Not having doubts is how you wind up in Las Vegas, standing in front of an Elvis impersonator who is marrying you to a man you only dated for six months who proposed over giant Russian beers and plans to run away to South America with you. (That happened, to, er, a friend of mine. Yeah.)

One of the happiest moments in any woman’s life is when she stops being appealing to frat boys, players, or men out to meet “girls.” It’s better to be attractive to one good man than a hundred jerks.

Anyone who says they want a partner who agrees with everything they do, loves them unconditionally, and never judges should probably just be done with it and get a dog. True love challenges you.

If your job is your life, then, clearly, dude...you need a life.

You don’t have to like everyone in the world. You do, however, have to find a way to live in the world, and that will occasionally include people you find annoying. You don't, however, have to deal with people you find repugnant. Grow up and know the difference.

A good relationship pushes you forward. A bad relationship holds you back.

Love is not a choice.

Know how to take a compliment. That includes how to deflect the back-handed ones, like, "You look good for your age," or, "You're awfully smart for a..."

Bad ideas, wild impulses, and broken hearts are the road to wisdom.
And, most importantly, always do anything that would make a great story later.

43 comments:

Tina said...

"You can’t help how you feel. You can, however, help what you do about it." Amen!!

And if you connect that directly to:

"Love is not a choice - what you do about it is"

I'll give you an Amen Sister, Testify!

Shannon said...

PREACH IT, Tina!

Ibid said...

Guys with cats are peculiar. Guys with birds are downright surreal.

Don't wait for stamps to go on sale. They don't. Ever.

There's a typo. That should read "It's better to be ATTRACTED to one good man than a hundred jerks."

Jerks may be jerks, but they're more fun than good guys.

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

Good post

I am skeptic about love these days.
I think a life as a nun who wears really good shoes may be the road for me.

Shannon said...

Ibid - I outgrew the idea that jerks are fun. There's nobody more fun than a gentleman with a goof streak.

Zip - aw, but nuns don't get to carry weapons!

Jamie said...

So, you just had to go right in there with the cat comment? And you know what they say about single women over the age of... OK, never mind, unlike THIS blog author, I'll take the high road.

And I have a roommate now. :-)

Shannon said...

Jamie - single women over the age of...35? 30? 25? I can never keep it straight...should all be taken out and shot. Really. Right there in the street.

And I am sure your roomie will help with the long slow climb away from peculiarity.

LivitLuvit said...

And, most importantly, always do anything that would make a great story later.

Abso fucking lutely... otherwise, none of us would really be here (in blog land), now would we?

Jamie said...

I'll keep my peculiarity, thanks. I far prefer it to the ennui of conformity.

I wonder more about single people with dogs. Dogs take a lot of work, limit the flexibility of your schedule, and they are typically in your face all the time. I've always thought that single people get dogs because they can't stand being alone.

Ibid said...

Who says nuns can't carry weapons? I'm sure they can hide all kinds of stuff under that burka, or whatever they call it. And don't tell me it's against some kind of nun code. I've heard what they do with simple rulers.

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

burka is a middle eastern thing ibid lol

I just hate dating!!!!

Shannon said...

Livit - you know, sometimes I wonder if I do stupid things just so I can blog about them later. Then I remember that I was stupid long before i'd heard of the Internet.

Jamie - it has been my experience that men who live alone with cats tend to make odd boyfriends. Ones with dogs, at least, no longer expect their girlfriends to be the key source of fawning approval in their lives.

Ibid: Nun Code, law of the mean streets.

Shannon said...

Zip, Ibid - isn't it called a habit? Or is that the headgear? Can someone Catholic help us out here?

Jamie said...

Well, fair enough, I can't speak to your experience. What I see in my dog-friends is that they NEED a source of fawning approval in their lives. The dog is only a placeholder in the absence of an s.o... it's not like it changes their general need for constant validation from their mate.

Anyway, I'm content with my catty status at the moment. In my own experience, the only people who I really wouldn't even bother with are those who don't drink (except alcoholics). In every case they've turned out have all sorts of weird issues, and they're usually not much fun anyway. I don't mistrust dog people inherently, I just find them to be really annoying to date because they always have to go home at 10 PM to walk the dog.

Ibid said...

Burka, habit, whatever they call it it's just wrong.
What's the point of having your own religious sect if the women aren't going to dress scantily?

Shannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shannon said...

Jamie, I don't need constant validation from an S.O. because I can get it from commenters. I can write and I'm soooo cool and funny, right? Right?

Personally, I don't get why people would try to have a dog in the city - seems like it would be a pain. Then again, even my houseplant gets neglected, so perhaps my nurturing instincts are a little wonky.

Ibid, right now I'm picturing you as a preacher man, backed by Rockettes.

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

I have cats - just call me the crazy cat lady with nice shoes and purses (except for the vera bradley i know)

Lemmonex said...

"True love challenges you."

That sound was you hitting the nail square on the head. Lovely list.

And the amount of complete stupidity I have engaged in for an awesome story is staggering. I would not change any of it.

lacochran said...

I don't mind men with cats. Unless the start licking themselves. The men, I mean.

Hey Pretty said...

Sorry, I disagree. The best hangover cure is Alka Seltzer followed by some weed if you got it. And some ginger ale.

Shannon said...

Zip, breaking the fashion barrier on behalf of cat ladies everywhere.

Aw, Lem, thanks. And you and me both...if Al Gore hadn't invented the Internet, where would these lovely stories have gone?

Lacochran, any man who can lick himself doesn't need a girlfriend in the first place.

Shannon said...

Hey Pretty - I've found there are two questions that get any party going:

1. What is your favorite hangover cure?
2. Hey, anybody got any cool scars?

BatesHorn said...

Well, I find if you just go home with the person who has to walk there dog, you get to bugger them afterwards.

Wow, I managed to work a bugger into my day. Nice.

hey pretty said...

I have tons of cool scars, but most of them are of the psychological variety.

Jamie said...

Obviously, you have never dated someone with a dog. Do you have any idea how annoying it is to try to fool around with someone while the dog keeps licking your face, among other things? I'm sorry, I like animals as much as the next guy but can you kick that damn thing outside!! Of course then it starts howling.

Shannon said...

Bates, you were so excited about the bugger that you made a grammatical error. It's ok, happens to the best of us.

HP - and there's usually just as good a story behind psych scars.

Jamie - exactly why I don't date guys with kids. After a night or two outdoors, they start howling.

Jamie said...

At least the kids will probably be at the ex-husband/wife's place half the time... and you can silence them with a television.

BatesHorn said...

Actually, I find that how a person interacts with their dog and the control or lack there of is a prime indicator of them as a person. I've dated girls with little to no control of their animals: not enough exercise, no basic dog training, allowed the dog to destroy their house. These relationships inevitably end in disaster. Because the person is a disaster, lacking an ability to establish some simblance of order in their personal lives. A dog is a pack animal. If you don't control it, it will control you. It can't help it.

I also dated a girl with a properly trained, exercised, and controlled dog. The dog was a delight. She was a delight. Sigh. Her, I miss.

freckledk said...

I have a dog and two cats. I must be supremely fucked.

Shannon said...

Jamie - I prefer laudanum as a silencer. I'm retro that way.

Bates - I simply refuse to date someone with a dog - I require far too much attention to share my man with anyone.

Frecks - But only in the best of ways.

Ibid said...

Shannon, you need to come home with me. Even if I get distracted Gandolf (my parrot) will be happy to come give kisses and nibble your neck.

BatesHorn said...

Shannon-I've basically given up dating dog people, but I keep an open mind (I've got kids, so I can't exactly be too tough in the standards department).

Honestly, who doesn't get excited about buggering?

Shannon said...

Ibid, I'm having far too much trouble parsing which part of that post was the freakiest.

Bates - I try to have really arbitrary, excruciatingly limiting rules for dating so I don't ever have to leave the house.

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

I once saw a film of sorts with a man who could lick himself

Ibid said...

When Gandolf and I go to the park she used to come back with lipstick all over her beak. Mostly she just nibble my neck when it's hot out and she wants the salt.

Shannon said...

Zip, seeing how low this thread can go...

Ibid....er, Zip, sorry 'bout that. As low as this thread can go...

jr said...

"You can’t help how you feel. You can, however, help what you do about it."

that's right on. i used to be a paratrooper. i'd be lying if i said i was anything but scared everytime i went up in a bird, but i always made it out the door. too many people focus on trying to numb themselves rather than just learning to deal with it. to misquote rick james, 'feelings are a hell of a drug.'

i would go so far as to say that the most meaningful definition of life i can presently muster is: to learn to deal with your feelings and overcome your fears...

ok, i'm putting away my soapbox and getting back to work.

jr said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jr said...

ps to capitol hill - that's how ron jeremy earned his nickname 'the hedgehog'

Rob West said...

Bonus points to you, though, if you're able to find the gut-busting humor in an identifying-your-mother's-corpse-to-the-police situation.

I'm talking "Pass go and collect 200 dollars" type points.

Shannon said...

Rob - my mother is too mean to die. She's meaner than me, actually.

Rob West said...

Additionally, I live 100% by your last rule. All the best ideas I've ever had have invariably been incredibly bad ideas. And what's more, I almost NEVER do anything that won't make a good story later.