Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Skeevy Men, Volume 3: Online Dating Edition

Hey, let's milk the "Skeevy Men" series for another post!

I love men as a general concept. But a few out there are making the rest of y'all look bad. And these guys are always cruising the Internet, seeking the vacuous thong-flinging bombshell of their pre-adolescent dreams.

Some are just annoying. And some are skeevy, gross, creepy, and potentially dangerous. As a woman madly in love with her personal safety, I don't cut any of them any slack. I know there's a big difference between a guy with no social skills and a serial rapist, but I'm not willing to bet my safety to find out.

And we're off!

Tweener Typer Guy: This guy has not yet befriended grammar, capitalization, or spelling. So, although he claims to be a 38-year-old attorney with a sailboat, he reads like a 14-year-old at a Hannah Montana concert. "Dont u wanna hook up w me? lets bounce"

Can't Close the Deal Guy: Not only can he not get to first base, he can't even set up the first date! Instead, he will spend weeks emailing with you without attempting to set up a single meetup. It's a massive time suck, so if your online amour doesn't try to meet you within 5 email exchanges, stop responding.

Would Be Better Off With a Puppy Guy: He writes about how he's looking for someone to love him unconditionally, listen, agree with him, think he's the greatest guy ever, and spend time on the couch watching his favorite sports teams. As he doesn't seem to want a woman who brings her own ideas, opinions or interests to the relationship, he'd be better off just getting a dog.

Over-Familiarity Ahoy! Guy: This guy acts like he's already known you for years. He busts your chops about your favorite movie, tells you all about how his evil harpy ex-wife took him for a ride, and wants to meet you for a drink that very minute. It's the online equivalent of a smothering slobbery bear hug from Cousin Randy...except from a complete stranger.

You Owe Me Guy: This guy is upset when you don't respond to his missives, pouty when you don't write back fast enough, and reacts not at all when you respond with politeness and enthusiasm. In his entitled, tiny little mind, if he devoted 30 seconds of his day to emailing you, then clearly you're required to gallop straight in his direction, tearing off your clothes along the way.

Gets Sexual Right Off the Bat Guy: Like, he can't hold back. At all. He has to make some sort of sex joke within the first paragraph of the introductory email. As I doubt he could hold back in nonverbal sexual arenas, he goes straight into the delete pile.

If I Wanted to Date a Chick, I'd Be a Lesbian Guy: This guy tells you he loves footrubs, shopping for housewares, Gossip Girl and fashion. While I'm not obsessed with traditional gender roles, I generally question whether I should just date a chick instead. At least that way we could wear each other's clothes.

I Know Exactly When and Where We Should Meet Guy: ...and that would be late in the evening, at a bar near his apartment. At the very best, I'm going to get pawed at by a guy trying to shovel in a quart of booze and a gallon of empty flattery. At the very worst, I'm going to wind up with a roofie hangover.

Credit Where Credit Is Due: This was inspired by Belle's and Zip's adventures online. And my girl crush Velvet weighed in on the subject today, too.


Anonymous said...

Finding romance on-line has roughly the same odds as winning the lottery.

I still bought my PowerBall ticket though.

HP said...

You forgot "I secretly have a girlfriend but I'm afraid to actually commit to her guy"; "Acts like he has a great time then vanishes forever guy"; "Career obsessed, acts like a date is a business meeting guy."

And I'm sure there are others but I'm drawing a blank.

Shannon said...

Refugee, the lottery is a regressive tax on people who can't do math. Online dating is a regressive tax on people who can't take baths. *rimshot*

HP - dude, keep that up and you're guest blogging the next round of Skeevy Men.

Carrie M said...

how is meeting someone online any worse than meeting someone in a bar? at a party? at a baseball game? that's directed more in the direction of refugee, although no hostility meant.

between you, Zipcode, Belle, and Velvet I think the universe might be telling me NOT to get back into online dating. *sigh* not to say I was all excited about the prospect anyway. fuck. I am so fucked. or not, as it were.

Shannon said...

Carrie - ha! I have nothing against online dating, I've met a lot of great guys that way. Some I liked, some I loved.

I think the problem you're most likely to see is that people don't want to settle into a relationship or give things time to develop. When the next hot date is just a wink or a click away, it can be hard to focus.

BatesHorn said...

I met "gets sexual guy's" sister once. Bringing up how "your doing some shopping online at Babeland right now" within the first three e-mails: weird.

Must be friends with "The man must always come up with every aspect of the evening and plan all events." Because I don't have a job and a life and sometimes don't feel like figuring out a course of action every single time.

Sorry to reverse the flow, but it ain't any easier for us either.

Shannon said...

Master - I went to college with a guy who now works in marketing for Adam and Eve. I wonder how he explains that to potential dates without coming across as skeevy.

And, personally, I like it when a man lobs two or three suggestions my way and then lets me pick.

Jamie said...

Disclosure: I have never dated online. But have had hours of conversations with friends who have (mostly women).

My theory about why online dating is probably worse than just meeting people in real life (even at bars), based on the above mentioned second-hand information, is that the resume is the least important part of what makes a connection between people.

When you meet someone in person, you either have a dynamic with them or not. You don't waste even five minutes with someone you just don't click with in real life.

Online, on the other hand, you get lots of data. Can they write at a 9th grade level? What are their interests? What did they look like 5-10 years ago? But this stuff, while somewhat interesting, has little to do with whether you will like them or not.

Bottom line: Resume means nothing compared to the in-person interview. The people I've had significant relationships with would NEVER have been matched to me in an online scenario, nor would I likely have been looking for someone with their "credentials." And you can have a LOT of "in-person interviews" in a single evening out.

BatesHorn said...

Mention the employee discount?

I don't mind calling the shots the majority of the time, but occasionally it's nice for the woman to show some of her life experience and suggest something she knows that I don't.

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

The only good thing online dating had brought me thus far is one good friend I made - and some laughs.
Its a scary, scary, scary world out there ---I think this city is a horrible place to date as well.

My competition is Capitol Hill Staff pearl wearing girls, not that I don't own any pearls, but these girls don't ride motorcycles and they follow the stereotypical female role. Me, not so much.

I want to be Velvet for a day - she is my girl crush too haha

Shannon said...

Jamie, I agree with a lot of what you said. The nice thing about online dating, though, is it exposes you to people you might not otherwise meet. It's just one way to expand your horizons.

Master - Ha! That's worth the following story: I was cruising the A&E site to read my college friend's copywriting, and got the following popup, "What brings you here today?" Unfortunately, neither "I went to college with the guy who writes about vibrators" nor, "A breakup" were options.

Shannon said...

Zip - I don't see those girls as the competition, as the guys who want Polly Preppy probably wouldn't be all that into me. They're more like counterprogramming.

Shannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Capitol Hill 20210 said...

Good point!

Jamie said...

Shan, true. Also, if you're someone who doesn't meet a lot of new people in "real life" for whatever reason - don't like bars, not very outgoing, favorite jacket is a +20 cloak of invisibility, then it also seems to make sense.

And then of course, everyone knows that people who hang out in bars are all crazy drunks, so that's what you'll probably get in the end. Oh wait, I resemble that remark...

Shannon said...

Zip - At your service!

Jamie - I don't usually date guys I meet in bars, because I usually need somebody who can provide balance. And I require a chaperone way more than I want a boyfriend.

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

I have what you call bad bar luck - last guy I met in a bar broke my heart and was married with 4 kids, but most of you know that story.

I may create my own dating site - watch little old man on Eharmony! HA mine will offer sex offender and criminal history checks - hmmm who wants to go into business with me?

Carrie M said...

I may have snorted at the +20 cloak of invisibility comment.

And I wonder why I don't have dates? Shannon - your point about the window dating is very true. I think Velvet has pointed that out too, and actually *that* is the thing I find the most frustrating about online dating is that no one seems to be in it for an actual boyfriend or girlfriend b/c there may be someone better around the corner.

Shannon said...

Zip - all of us. For real.

Carrie - I think some people are in it for an actual relationship, but are overwhelmed by the options. Like when I first moved back from Sarajevo, I wasn't used to 60 different kinds of soda, 200 sorts of chips, etc. So I'd freeze, then leave the grocery store empty-handed.

BatesHorn said...


I have a friend that just broke up with her boyfriend and I bought her a drink to let her dump and in the process she said "and I've got to buy all new toys".

Me: "Wait, what? Why?"

Her: "Well, it's a cleansing thing, new time, new toys, because we, you know, used them together.

Me: "Right."

Shannon said...

Master - dude, did you lead us down the sex toy path, or did I? I thought we were going to be a bit classier around here!

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

notice I have been an angel in this thread

BatesHorn said...

I'll take the bullet on that one.

Shannon said...

Zip, Bates - really, it must be my fault, because I just remembered there's a sex toy called "The Bullet."

jr said...


try this link:

it has changed my life.

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

ahh the bullet - hmm :running out of post:

Lemmonex said...

Yeah, online dating was very scary for me...never again. Aparently, there are some weirdos online. Who knew?

Shannon said...

Jr - all I got was a big red button.

Zip - Noooo! Come back.

Lemmonex - Weirdos? Online? NEVER!

Tina said...

yu definatly left out some skeevy internet guys. How about "I made up my whole on line life out of thin air guy", "I'm actually married and looking for a fling" guy, "recently un employed and actually more interested in making contacts in your field than in dating" guy, "Angry / Psycho / Racist and or Homophobe" guy, "Scary stalker" guy, and "I'm so sensitive and enlightened I only drink organic herbal tea I've allowed you to buy for me" guy. Just to name a few I met when I ventured into the on line dating pool. The whole experience scared me right back into dating guys I met in bars.

brandonsavage said...

Ok, that's it. I give up on being a guy. Your comprehensive list just took all the energy right out of actually not being an asshat.

I have a skeevy coworker who could use an asskicking, want me to introduce you two? ;-)

Shannon said...

Tina - remember, this is a series that I come back to when I have writer's block. If you don't see your Skeevy, he may show up in the next installment.

YES! Brandon, I've succeeded in my plan to demoralize and emasculate all men, so that they all undergo sex change operations and we build a utopian Herland. (I bet Lemmonex catches that reference.)

Shannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
BatesHorn said...

Personally, I'm a big fan of "Talks about SATC on the first date" Gal.

Look, I get it: I'm going to have to stomach some SATC if I intend to date any woman under the age of 50. But on the first date? Not only do I not care if your a Miranda with a bit of Carrie, it's a deal breaker if you mention how fabulous your SATC experience was with your girlfriends.

Shannon said...

Bates - we should set up SATC Gal with Drones Endlessly About Sports Teams Dude and watch the sparks fly!

BatesHorn said...

Did you know that J.D. Drew has a lifetime .501 slugging percentage. That's very impress... oh wait.

[F]oxymoron said...

Tweener Typer Guy = Dumb Blonde Woman

Can't Close the Deal Guy = Won’t Open the Deal Woman

Would Be Better Off With a Puppy Guy = Won’t Shut The Hell Up Woman

Over-Familiarity Ahoy! Guy = Immediately Meet My Family & Extended Family Woman

You Owe Me Guy = Buy Me That (but you really don’t have to) Woman

Gets Sexual Right Off the Bat Guy = Whore

If I Wanted to Date a Chick, I'd Be a Lesbian Guy = Schizophrenic Post-Modern Feminist Woman

I Know Exactly When and Where We Should Meet Guy = I Can’t Decide Anything For Myself Woman

Lemmonex said...

HERLAND! Omg, I love you even more...

Shannon said... it getting hot in here?

Foxy - that post read like the Date Lab of the Damned!

Lemmonex - all we need is a plateau and some parthogenesis, and we're good to go.

Velvet said...

The can't close the deal guy is rampant online. I've heard stories like that from everyone!

Shannon said...

Velvet - yeah, it's weird. Like, does he just want the pillow talk, minus the pillows?