Hey, let's milk the "Skeevy Men" series for another post!
I love men as a general concept. But a few out there are making the rest of y'all look bad. And these guys are always cruising the Internet, seeking the vacuous thong-flinging bombshell of their pre-adolescent dreams.
Some are just annoying. And some are skeevy, gross, creepy, and potentially dangerous. As a woman madly in love with her personal safety, I don't cut any of them any slack. I know there's a big difference between a guy with no social skills and a serial rapist, but I'm not willing to bet my safety to find out.
And we're off!
Tweener Typer Guy: This guy has not yet befriended grammar, capitalization, or spelling. So, although he claims to be a 38-year-old attorney with a sailboat, he reads like a 14-year-old at a Hannah Montana concert. "Dont u wanna hook up w me? lets bounce"
Can't Close the Deal Guy: Not only can he not get to first base, he can't even set up the first date! Instead, he will spend weeks emailing with you without attempting to set up a single meetup. It's a massive time suck, so if your online amour doesn't try to meet you within 5 email exchanges, stop responding.
Would Be Better Off With a Puppy Guy: He writes about how he's looking for someone to love him unconditionally, listen, agree with him, think he's the greatest guy ever, and spend time on the couch watching his favorite sports teams. As he doesn't seem to want a woman who brings her own ideas, opinions or interests to the relationship, he'd be better off just getting a dog.
Over-Familiarity Ahoy! Guy: This guy acts like he's already known you for years. He busts your chops about your favorite movie, tells you all about how his evil harpy ex-wife took him for a ride, and wants to meet you for a drink that very minute. It's the online equivalent of a smothering slobbery bear hug from Cousin Randy...except from a complete stranger.
You Owe Me Guy: This guy is upset when you don't respond to his missives, pouty when you don't write back fast enough, and reacts not at all when you respond with politeness and enthusiasm. In his entitled, tiny little mind, if he devoted 30 seconds of his day to emailing you, then clearly you're required to gallop straight in his direction, tearing off your clothes along the way.
Gets Sexual Right Off the Bat Guy: Like, he can't hold back. At all. He has to make some sort of sex joke within the first paragraph of the introductory email. As I doubt he could hold back in nonverbal sexual arenas, he goes straight into the delete pile.
If I Wanted to Date a Chick, I'd Be a Lesbian Guy: This guy tells you he loves footrubs, shopping for housewares, Gossip Girl and fashion. While I'm not obsessed with traditional gender roles, I generally question whether I should just date a chick instead. At least that way we could wear each other's clothes.
I Know Exactly When and Where We Should Meet Guy: ...and that would be late in the evening, at a bar near his apartment. At the very best, I'm going to get pawed at by a guy trying to shovel in a quart of booze and a gallon of empty flattery. At the very worst, I'm going to wind up with a roofie hangover.
Credit Where Credit Is Due: This was inspired by Belle's and Zip's adventures online. And my girl crush Velvet weighed in on the subject today, too.