Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Five Things I No Longer Care About


1. Celebrity pregnancies. The stupid things that they name their kids. Professional analysis of the stupid things they name their kids. The fact there are people out there who professionally analyze baby names. The Internet's belly fetish. See 15 Photos of Angelina's Baby Bump! (Seriously, that was a headline today.)

2. Spoiled affluent white teenagers who are over-scheduled and stressed-out. Articles about spoiled white affluent teenagers. Articles about parents of spoiled affluent white teenagers for whom worrying about their brood is yet another wrinkle in the Shar-pei of modern suburban narcissism.

3. Chandra Levy. Outrageously masturbatory and manipulative 12-part newspaper series about Chandra Levy, or, for that matter, media coverage of missing white girls in general.

4. Therapy. Epiphanies. Feelings. Thoughts. Ideas. Nurturing. The inner child, as the outer child ought to take precedence. Preying on insecurity. My evil targeted Facebook ads, which mostly feature diamond rings, beefy men, get-rich-quick schemes, and exhortations that I'm looking a bit puffy in my profile photo. When the most flattering ad speculates that I may not have a higher IQ than professional dim bulb Jen Aniston, it's time to just give up.

5. Blog-cations. I'm back, y'all.

20 comments:

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

I was getting ready to go down to Park Police to get permit to protest your blogcation. My day has now improved - thank you!!

Gilahi said...

You could only come up with 5? Or is this a 12-part series in honor of The Washington Post?

Shannon said...

Zip - you're welcome!

Gilahi - Actually, I didn't care enough to write about all the other things I don't care about. Apathy is a harsh mistress.

Lemmonex said...

Welcome back.

And you don't care about my inner child? She is quite special...and named Apple Vivienne Violet Harlow.

Dave B. said...

I'm sure there are plenty of other things ya don't care about, but that's a good list of things that have fallen off your "I give a damn" radar.

And certainly a blog-cation does a body.. err... mind... psychosis?... good.

Welcome back Shannon.

Shannon said...

Lem, is she named Sunday Rose Apple Vivienne Violet Harlow?

Dave B - yeah, sometimes I don't care enough to not care.

LivitLuvit said...

If I hear one more word about Brangelina- especially ON CNN WHERE THEY WERE DEBATING THE ETHICS OF SELLING PHOTOS OF YOUR NEWBORN THIS MORNING instead of talking about, oh I don't know, the upcoming Presidential election?- I am going to scream.

Welcome back.

lacochran's evil twin said...

"yet another wrinkle in the Shar-pei of modern suburban narcissism." Love it!

So, wait, didn't Angelina just pop twins out? So a belly bump is used to refer to post-birth belly, too? That's pretty rude. *crosses arms over belly*

Shannon said...

Livit, thanks. Like, I just don't get it - Angelina is not the first woman in the history of the Earth to have babies. And the fact it's being debated and analyzed drives me nuts.

LaTwin, no, but there was a 15-picture slideshow of Angelina's expanding belly on omg! this morning. Can we all stop fetishizing pregnancy, please?

restaurantrefugee said...

back...and with a vengance. thank the baby jesus for small favors.

regarding the list, i can only hope that these celebrimornons have the forethought to establish a trust fund for the therapy thier spawn will surely require.

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

How about I name my first born

Disaffected Scanner Zipcode Lacochran

That would be a much cooler name then those stupid celebrities!

Shannon said...

Refugee, Baby Jesus is going to guest post tomorrow, and explain what myrrh is.

Zipcode, if you name your child Disaffected, it just ups the chance he'll be one of those insufferable overachiever types. Teen rebellion, y'know.

Tina said...

You mean I can't get you all to comment on the best possible name for my future child. I am crushed. just crushed do you hear.

(welcome home by the way)

Ibid said...

I will have killed Chandra Levy. I'm building a time machine so I can go back and punish her for making us hear so much about her for so many years.
At least CNN's missing white chick of the year only lasts a few months.

freckledk said...

That was such a short vacation, not that I'm complaining! Glad you're back!

[F]oxymoron said...

Holy crap, that was a very American blogcation. I was expecting a thoroughly European, I’ll be back in a month blogcation!

And anybody who spends their time professionally analyzing baby names should be thoroughly doused in baby vomit each time they publish a “critical paper”

BatesHorn said...

K-Thank you for the Chandra Levy Comment. The Metro section today ALONE, has blurbs on three people who were killed in NE or PG yesterday. This will likily be the last you will ever hear of these poor souls.

Ah, but a white person who dies in or west of Rock Creek park? Time to bust out the pulitzer material....

Ibid said...

I didn't mean Chandra Levy. I mean that child model that was killed a decade or so back. Didn't care then, don't care now. And yet she's back in the news.

Michael said...

I just had an epiphany. Send me a picture of you, and I will "fantasize" over it rather than Chandra Levy's. This cannot possibly result in your becoming pregnant, and we will not have to name the child Splendid Vegan Beausoleil (after my maternal great-grandmother). Whadda ya say, kid?

Shannon said...

Thanks all, I feel quite welcome!