Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Wedding Season in Hell

I don’t have any weddings on deck for this year. I’ve found, due to demographics, luck, or divine plan, that I usually either have zero weddings in a season, or several.

Going wedding-free is quite the relief, as my wedding karma is usually pretty bad. Aside from my own wedding(s), which involved things like Elvis and the majority of my guests dining-‘n-dashing, we have:

-That bridesmaid experience where I had the stomach flu
-That wedding where I had a kidney infection
-That bridesmaid experience where I wore a black, heavy satin gown with layers of crinoline…during an Alabama heat wave
-That wedding where I drove from North Carolina to Maine with the groom (who I didn’t much care for) and the best man (aka, the guy I was dating up until the day before we left, when he got back together with his ex, which he didn’t see fit to tell me before we embarked on a 14-hour road trip)

So, what does this have to do with anything? Well, it seems like I’m always reading about how a woman can be a good wedding guest, fantastic bridesmaid, or gracious bride. (Men pretty much get a pass on wedding stuff, provided they don’t hit on the bride or hork on anyone.)

But what if you want to be DIS-gracious? Well, you’re going to have to step up your game. Here’s how:

The Bridal Shower:

Standard rude: Give a baby outfit.
Step it up: Give a baby outfit, but cut an extra opening so there’s room for two heads. Include a card asking the bride to verify that she is not marrying her cousin.

Standard rude: Bring a date, even if your invitation doesn’t say, “And Guest.” Or if your invite says, “And Family,” bring the whole reunion list.
Step it up: Demand to bring your life coach, because otherwise you will NEVER be able to choose between chicken and fish.

Outfit Selection:

Standard rude: Wear a white dress to upstage the bride.
Step it up: Take that white dress and tack on a veil and some gloves. Or, if you’re married, dig out your gown (aside from Halloween, when else are you going to be able to wear it?)

The Ceremony:
Standard rude: Don’t silence your cellphone.
Step it up: Answer your cellphone.

The Toast:

Standard rude: Grab the mike, offer a long and slurring tribute to the happy couple.
Step it up: Grab the mike, offer a long a slurring tribute to the hot groomsman you boinked in a broom closet at the rehearsal dinner. (Even if that never even happened. Actually, if it never happened, so much the better.)

The Open Bar:
Standard rude: Drink a little, drink a lot, fall down once or twice.
Step it up: How many licks does it take to get to the DJ center of a pop DJ?

While We’re Discussing the DJ:

Standard rude: Request something appalling, like “The Electric Slide.”
Step it up: Request something insulting, like “Baby Got Back,” dedicate it to the bride’s mother.

And a Bit of Meta:

Standard Rude: Write a blog post about how to be rude at a wedding.
Step it Up: Solicit ideas from commenters on other ways to be rude at a wedding. Have at it!

PS- Photo is from www.theborg.info


Arjewtino said...

I had to look up "crinolines".

Justin said...

I find myself invited to very few weddings because usually I'm a would-be friend of the bride, but I almost always get cut loose long before the wedding, no matter how close friends we were until that point. I often complain about getting cut loose when my friends get a bofriend, but I guess there's a silver lining to every cloud...

Am I being bitter today?

Anyway, subtle ways to be rude at a wedding? Requesting any of the following songs at the reception:

"Love Stinks", J. Geils Band
"I Don't Believe in Love", Queensryche
"Song for the Dumped", Ben Folds Five
"Somebody Kill Me" (The Wedding Singer)
And apparently "Since U Been Gone" is a song about how good it can be to break up with someone. But I generally refuse to acknowledge Kelly Clarkson's existence.

Shannon said...

Arjewtino, I've added a link to the Wikipedia entry. I can't believe you have so little experience with ladies' underpinnings.

Justin, not too bitter. Now, if you show up at the wedding and dash off with the bride, Graduate-style, THEN we'll worry about you.

Tina said...

heres just a few - compbine for maximum effect - wear all black including gloves and veil - send funeral floral arrangement - bring dish to pass instead of gift and send sympathy card to the bride or goorm - which ever you're trying to piss off more.

Ibid said...

"In conclusion, I just hope that Janet will be as good to James as she was to the 2005 Cowboy's lineup."

BrokeInDC said...

Object mid-ceremony. Tried and true way to ruin a wedding.

Shannon said...

Tina, I would send a sympathy card to BOTH the bride and groom, and claim that you're having affairs with both.

ibid, once again with the funny one-liners! Thanks for that one, it's a great mental image.

brokeindc, why not wait until the end of the ceremony, when the bride and groom kiss, and THEN object because you'd "just remembered" that the bride is secretly a man?

Domo El Mono Loco said...

Standard Rude: Take Tupperware to the wedding and ask the waiters to bring you the plates for the guests that didnt show.
Step it Up: Take tupperware and get huge slices from the cake before the first piece has been cut!