Wedding Season in Hell

I don’t have any weddings on deck for this year. I’ve found, due to demographics, luck, or divine plan, that I usually either have zero weddings in a season, or several.

Going wedding-free is quite the relief, as my wedding karma is usually pretty bad. Aside from my own wedding(s), which involved things like Elvis and the majority of my guests dining-‘n-dashing, we have:

-That bridesmaid experience where I had the stomach flu
-That wedding where I had a kidney infection
-That bridesmaid experience where I wore a black, heavy satin gown with layers of crinoline…during an Alabama heat wave
-That wedding where I drove from North Carolina to Maine with the groom (who I didn’t much care for) and the best man (aka, the guy I was dating up until the day before we left, when he got back together with his ex, which he didn’t see fit to tell me before we embarked on a 14-hour road trip)

So, what does this have to do with anything? Well, it seems like I’m always reading about how a woman can be a good wedding guest, fantastic bridesmaid, or gracious bride. (Men pretty much get a pass on wedding stuff, provided they don’t hit on the bride or hork on anyone.)

But what if you want to be DIS-gracious? Well, you’re going to have to step up your game. Here’s how:

The Bridal Shower:
Standard rude: Give a baby outfit.
Step it up: Give a baby outfit, but cut an extra opening so there’s room for two heads. Include a card asking the bride to verify that she is not marrying her cousin.

The RSVP:
Standard rude: Bring a date, even if your invitation doesn’t say, “And Guest.” Or if your invite says, “And Family,” bring the whole reunion list.
Step it up: Demand to bring your life coach, because otherwise you will NEVER be able to choose between chicken and fish.

Outfit Selection:
Standard rude: Wear a white dress to upstage the bride.
Step it up: Take that white dress and tack on a veil and some gloves. Or, if you’re married, dig out your gown (aside from Halloween, when else are you going to be able to wear it?)

The Ceremony:
Standard rude: Don’t silence your cellphone.
Step it up: Answer your cellphone.

The Toast:
Standard rude: Grab the mike, offer a long and slurring tribute to the happy couple.
Step it up: Grab the mike, offer a long a slurring tribute to the hot groomsman you boinked in a broom closet at the rehearsal dinner. (Even if that never even happened. Actually, if it never happened, so much the better.)

The Open Bar:
Standard rude: Drink a little, drink a lot, fall down once or twice.
Step it up: How many licks does it take to get to the DJ center of a pop DJ?

While We’re Discussing the DJ:
Standard rude: Request something appalling, like “The Electric Slide.”
Step it up: Request something insulting, like “Baby Got Back,” dedicate it to the bride’s mother.

And a Bit of Meta:
Standard Rude: Write a blog post about how to be rude at a wedding.
Step it Up: Solicit ideas from commenters on other ways to be rude at a wedding. Have at it!

PS- Photo is from www.theborg.info