Obligatory Baby Name Mockery Post, 2008 Edition

Lately, I've been participating in baby name brainstorming sessions. (No, I am not pregnant, so don't get yourselves in a lather).

I think some names qualify as child abuse, others qualify as lofty expectations, and others are just weird. Destiny? Child abuse. Patience, Constance, Faith, or any other positive personality attribute? Lofty expectations. Pilot Inspektor? Just weird.

I hereby declare myself in charge of all future baby names. There will be no naming without my direct involvement and approval. Because I have no kids and am therefore an expert in all things child-related.

First, say these two sentences:

1. "Presenting the next President of the United States, (blank blank)!"
2. "Performing live at the main stage of the Stripper Shack, (blank blank)!"

If sentence 2 is more accurate than sentence 1, it's back to the drawing board. We'll never have a woman president if we keep naming our girls things like Madysonn Misty Sunshine. (Which sounds like a My Little Pony.)

On the other hand, maybe you want to be cruel. Let's say that you don't like kids. And yet, you're thumbing your nose at the Irony Gods and spawning a few. Here are a few ideas for baby names that are fun for you and hell for them:

1. Name you children for the form of birth control that failed you.

Example: "These are my kids, Patch, Ortho-Cyclen, and Trojan."

2. License your children's names to multinational corporations.

Example: "This is Nike, Adidas, and Coca-Cola."

3. The cruelest option is to name your child after where he or she was conceived. It's painful enough to think about your parents doing the funky monkey, just imagine having to imagine it every time someone says your name.

Example: "I'd like you to meet Paris, New York, and Backseat of a Chevy."

Or, you could get mesmerized by the Name Voyager and suss out names based on the prettiest patterns. Say so long to your productivity, suckers!