Fine, Metro, Take Your Stupid 30 Cents

Today, my Metro base fare rose 30 cents, to a whopping $1.65. I don't suppose I really mind, and I think most folks who complain about rising fares are big old whiners. Once you factor in gas, parking, auto maintenance, and plain old hassle, Metro is still a bargain. Also, as I get told so many times that I hate everyone who mentions it, it's better than some systems (Philadelphia) and worse than others (New York, all of Europe, blah blah blah I know that already).

Here's the Big However: I'm an American taxpayer. This means I have no concept of cause and effect, the reality of rising costs, or really much of anything outside of my self-centered little universe. I think my daily pittance should pay for a myriad of upgrades, service improvements and nifty doodads.

Here's how Metro should spend my abundantly generous daily 60 cents:

• Find and arrest the busker who travels from station to station, murdering "A Hard Rain's Gonna Fall." He's a real slick one, as I've been unable to find him at the same station twice.
• Get some of those white-gloved Tokyo subway guys to shove people into cars. I don't think they'd really need to shove people, just the sight of them will get folks to move to the center of the car.
• If Metro platform employees absolutely MUST stand around in useless clumps, ogling women, at least get them some better scriptwriters. Think of all of those out-of-work TV writers who could make them more entertaining. Or they could all recite Shakespearean sonnets.
• Implant a volume control button on all those annoying, rowdy packs of teenagers that scream on about how horny and badass they are.
• Create a device which scrambles iPods and makes them emit a low shriek every time their owners crank them up so loud that half the car can hear whatever crap they're listening to. Damage your hearing on your own time, buddy.
• Walk left, stand right. Or you have to cagefight Mayor Fenty.

Oh, and one more Metro peeve: when you have the outside seat, and the inside person needs to get up for their stop, STAND UP. Do not daintily twist your legs to one side and expect them to clamber over you. Next time that happens to me, I'm plopping my bony white ass into your lap and telling you what I want for Christmas. And I may or may not give you an accidental elbowing where it hurts.