Monday, December 10, 2007

Skeevy Men, Volume 2: Nightlife Edition

Washington’s bar scene offers an amazing array of skeeviness. So, back by popular demand, we have Skeevy Men, the Sequel. And the usual disclaimer: I pretty much think that men rock. This is all meant in good fun.

Any Girl Will Do Guy: This guy will hit on your friend, realize she’s unavailable or uninterested, and move on to you. The best part is that, while he is cravenly pursuing anything with ovaries, he is utterly convinced that he is slick and that you are not even remotely on to him. Any Girl Will Do Guy, we know your shtick. We keep you around for the free drinks and to see exactly how many of us you’ll try to pick up over the course of the evening.

Nonsensical Compliment Guy: No, I am not a hand model, gymnast or standup comedian. These are my real cheekbones, I don’t do yoga, and I really, really wish you’d talk to me like I’m an actual person with feelings and ideas.

Gamester Guy: This is the guy that reads “seduction” literature and uses “techniques” to “pursue and attain” the “woman of his choice.” Now, I get that men have to hit on women, because otherwise the human race would die out. But since most of these “seduction techniques” involve creating false intimacy and the use of cheap manipulation to get women into bed, it’s skeevy.

Expert at Everything Guy: Wow, he’s smart. He knows everything you could ever possibly want to know. If you order a beer, he’ll tell you to go with a fancy specialty version instead. If you play pool, he will hover the entire time and tell you which shot to make and why. Your jukebox selections are vastly inferior, you are not wise to the ways of darts, and you don’t know enough about fine wines. Clearly, what you are supposed to do is date the Expert so some of his brilliance will rub off on you.

I’m Really Very Shy Guy: This guy pretends that he is totally out of his element, and has never been to a bar before in his life. Really, he’s hoping the wounded puppy routine will hook a few phone numbers (and perhaps unhook a few bras). He’ll also probably tell you he’s a feminist, a lesbian trapped in a man’s body, or that his last girlfriend dumped him for an alpha male meathead. After 20 minutes of I’m Really Very Shy Guy, you’ll be looking for a knuckle-dragging Neanderthal of your very own. I think I’m Really Very Shy Guy is a plant so that Gamester Guy can round up a few more conquests.

Mortgage Man: He’s not just a guy, he’s a man! And why’s that? Because he has a mortgage. And he’ll tell you about his mortgage as fast as he can, to differentiate himself from those pathetic beta male renters. After two drinks, you’ll hear about his 401(k), and if you stick around for three, you’ll learn all about his plans for early retirement. Stay until last call and he’ll rework your stock portfolio and set you up with a 529 plan for your nonexistent children.

In the comments section, tell me about the skeeviest thing you ever did in a bar. Or just pay me a really nonsensical compliment.


Anonymous said...

ooh this is going to be fun! here goes, bottom up.

Mortgage Man: nope, don't have a mortgage and ain't planning on one anytime soon. 401k is worth less than a mercedes.

I'm Really Very Shy Guy: I can be a bit shy sometimes, but I'm not a feminist who is a lesbian trapped in a man's body. Ewww.

Expert at Everything Guy: nope

Gamester Guy: naw, that's just dumb

Nonsensical Compliment Guy: you actually get these compliments? surely, you can't be making this stuff up

Any Girl Will Do Guy: Ummm...guilty as charged, lol. You got me there. Once I was at a bar and I was talking to 2 women, both quite attractive. I was hitting it off pretty well with one of them, then as she took a sip of her drink, I saw an engagement ring on her finger. I casually started talking to the other girl, but I think they knew what was up... I admit it was funny though.

Anonymous said...

Sadly, I've been known to give darts and pool advice, but only when requested so I'm not what that makes me.

Shannon said...

No, I am not making up any of those compliments. I get asked about gymnastics because I'm petite - which is totally funny because I'm a klutz.

Sometimes guys get a little creative, and NOT in a good way. The hand model one was just a few weeks ago (he was also a Mortgage Man).

MJW said...

Do skeevy guys know that they're skeevy? Would they admit it if they did?

Kristen S. said...

What about Resume Guy? Aka Career Guy? Aka "I Work For Senator XYZ" Guy? Aka Can't Talk About Anything Besides Politics/Policies/His Good Friend Ambassador So-and-So Guy?

Oh, wait - that's just about every guy in DC!!

Shannon said...

Kristen, don't worry. There are many, many kinds of skeevy men in D.C., and I'm sure I'll get to Career Guy at some point! Though I'll probably call him Uses Business Card to Pick Up Girls Guy.

Consul-At-Arms said...

I met my wife in a bar.

I was just being myself that night.

Well, I was actually just being myself while really, really drunk. But these things can work out.

BrianAlt said...

So, what kind of guy ARE you looking for?

Are there types here not listed, or is this just about it?

I've been out of the dating scene for 20 years, so I'm really not sure.

Shannon said...

Brianalt, I write about male skeeviness because it's funny.

I don't go into details about what I'm looking for, or say too much about my actual (and occasionally messy)love life, because this is not an anonymous blog. Nor is it confessional. Disaffected Scanner Jockey is sort of a character I play. Me, but amplified, rowdier and way more cynical.

The real Shannon that my friends know is far less jaded by dating than DSJ is, and actually enjoys chatting with strange men in bars. She's also far less likely to divide men into categories and instead treats people as individuals.

In short, it's funnier to write about what I'm NOT looking for, and this is (hopefully) a humor blog. I mock the general public and people I don't know, instead of potentially hurting the people that I do know.

Long answer for a short question, huh? Thanks for reading, and I hope you stop in again.

ariedana said...

At a sports bar the other night, I was hit upon by Offensive Guy, who thinks he's being terribly witty by whispering in your ear about the gay guy sitting next to you, or how much they hate Hispanics, and not in such nice terms. Offensive Guy was a subgenre of Drunk Off His Rocks Guy, which is not always a bad class to be hanging out with.

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