Thursday, October 29, 2009

My New Neighbors

I have a knack for memorable neighbors. Like Roy, the 72-year-old bike messenger. Or the people who kept a Post-It note message to the UPS guy on their door for months on end, the woman who rotated her wreaths with every solstice, or Extra from The Day After Man, who shuffles around the basement and leers at people.

So imagine my excitement when I pick up the keys to my new place and realize that I will be next door to an amazing hybrid between the People of Walmart and an obsessive cat lady crazy hoarder person. Wide-open front door? Check. Smelly food? Check. Debris to the ceiling? Check. Contents of balcony? Two bicycles, one dilapidated cooler, a derelict hibachi, damp cardboard boxes, various unidentifiable pieces of metal and various unidentifiable pieces of something that was quite possibly once alive.

Of course, all of these things are flagrant lease violations. However, as I tend to do things like throw all-night karaoke fests and sell black market babies out of my home, I can't really judge. Also, remember, I'm from Woodbridge. Throw in a camper top used as a kids' playhouse, and I'll be right back on Bacon Race Road where I belong.

What I can do is offer a money-back guarantee, swear on a stack of Bibles, and promise from the bottom of my heart that my new neighbors will provide a LOT of blog material.

I can't wait.

14 comments:

Brando said...

The bright side is they're not likely to complain when you keep a coop of chickens on your balcony.

Brett said...

they also may be able to contribute to your garden of herps and spices.

Shannon said...

Brando - Fresh eggs! I can't wait.

Brett - That, or they ARE the garden of herps and spices.

viethewonderingnomad said...

I want interesting, friendly neighbors! Instead, I get Random Unfriendly Hipster Dude That Rides a Bike. Granted, my building is filled with interesting characters...I just don't live next-door to them.

Brando said...

Viethewanderingnomad--what's with all the unfriendly hipsters? Shouldn't the hipster ethos be all about being cool and nice?

Seriously! Now I'm pissed just thinking about that...

f.B said...

"various unidentifiable pieces of something that was quite possibly once alive."

that sounds like a mystery; some deep-seated residential secret.

lacochran said...

And while your here, enjoy the view, keep on doin' whatcha do, hold on tight we'll muddle through...

FoggyDew said...

I remember talking with Scott way back when we were moving into Morrison. We thought about showing up on move-in day wearing overalls, no shirts or shoes, and having all our stuff in garbage bags. We thought it would make a good first impression on all our neighbors.

Instead, we just decided to start drinking early and watch as parents dropped their freshman daughters off for the new school year. Yeah Baby!

Shannon said...

Vie - If you don't live next door to an interesting character, chances are that you ARE the character. Enjoy it!

Brando - Maybe Vie lives next to the evil hipster from my September flight?

f.B - Or my neighbor collects roadkill.

lacochran - ...and now I feel old for recognizing that!

Foggy - Dude, if you show up on Saturday in overalls and no shirt underneath, you will totally be my hero.

Jamie said...

Where does "eccentric nosy blogger" fit in in the spectrum of crazy neighbors? Ha ha ha.... sorry, I couldn't resist, you know I luv ya.

bh said...

With hipsters, it sort of depends on whether whatever your doing/wearing is deemed ironic or too sincere as to whether they can be induced to be friendly or not.

I'm so excited about this develoopment. The strange smells, loud yells, otherworldly animals.

Or is that my house...now I'm confused.

Shannon said...

Jamie - That's what annoys me so much - I'm the wacky neighbor, dammit!

bh - the debris on the balcony coming to life and attacking me, the woman next door turning out to be a crazy hoarder lady, the authorities showing up and condemning the place....

Alice said...

man, my neighbors are BORING. all i get is the occasional note slipped under my door to complain that my cats bat random crap from under my front door out into the hallway.

LiLu said...

That's the number one thing I miss about the old hood... the "characters" were so, well, character-y. You can't make that shiz up.