Wednesday, October 14, 2009

31 Flavors of Narcissism

I'm in the midst of a weeklong self-love spectacular. In honor of my 500th post, I gave myself the week off and asked friends and associates to tell me how this blog changed their lives. This way I get to highlight some of my favorite bloggers, AND totally avoid having to post anything myself. I'm amazed that anyone actually took me up on this, which tells you everything you need to know about the generosity of the DC blogverse.

Lemmonex keeps it simple:

Shannon reminds me every day that you can be a complete spaz...and still maintain your charm and wit.

Brando apparently credits me with book larnin' and forcibly getting him to wear shoes by throwing him on his back:


Picture it--a broke and bedraggled immigrant from the wilds of Maine, who barely speaks the language of the Mid-Atlantic region, and had never heard of "scanner jockeys" let alone ones who were disaffected. I certainly needed bloggalicious guidance to help show me how to be "cool" and "hip" and "not a social disaster area that leads people to have parties celebrating the fact that I couldn't make it to the party".


Back in the Wild North Country, being "cool" involved knowing the Red Socks starting lineup (and spelling it "Sox", which was hard to get used to, like ordering vodka on the rox), wearing a fleece year round, and answering "ayuh" to any question involving me wanting more beer. I would have been lost if it weren't for a blog known as Disaffected Scanner Jockey. With this blog, I learned what "skeevy" men were--and how to avoid them!--as well as the perils of being petite on public transportation. I learned that there was something called "shangria" and it could lead people to drunken debauchery. I learned, in short, of what was humming in this fair city of ours.


Since that time I've become savvy to the ways of the world, and no longer ripped off by guys at airports selling colored pieces of yarn. Damn those yarn guys.


If only I'd had Disaffected Scanner Jockey years ago. Happy 500!


Meanwhile, Malnurtured Snay would like to thank me for my emotional distance, my status as the emotional taker in our friendship, and a side order of crusty trans fats:


I'm really glad that I started reading and commenting on Shannon's blog ... not so much for the actual posts themselves, but because I guess I got her to feel like she owed me something for all the reading and commenting (side note: how many times has she posted on my blog? Zero. Zip. Nada.), that one day, she brought left over doughnuts from her office to me and my coworkers at my part-time job.


Even though they were stale, the wage slaves I work with were really happy to get free food, and I was the recipient of sexual favors from the less repulsive members of the staff the whole evening. By sexual favors, I mean they didn't throw books at my crotch, which was a welcome relief, and if you've ever had some douchebag, who somehow got a job in a bookstore despite thinking that Q comes after R and before Z, slam a hardbound edition of The Lord of the Rings into your preciouses, you'd be thanking her, too.


Stay tuned for more heartfelt tributes in song, interpretive dance, and sarcasm-laden prose from Hammer, [F]oxymoron, J and more.

14 comments:

paul said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Malnurtured Snay said...

And still no comments on my blog from you! Le sigh.

Brett said...

..and who brought you those doughnuts to begin with hmmm?

We should also thank Shannon for the infamous fridge FAIL picture.

Brando said...

Sucks to be out of the Doughnut Fairy's range...

Shannon said...

Snay - My stubborness is legendary.

Brett - The saddest thing about losing my phone was losing the Fridge Fail as my screensaver.

Brando - i wonder if the Doughnut Fairy would wind up too heavy to fly.

Malnurtured Snay said...

Brett -- I do, in fact, know they were leftover doughnuts originally from you ... but if you want a thank you, don't you think you should bring some donuts over to Borders? I guarantee you you'll be the most fabulous customer of the whole day!

FoggyDew said...

I was under the impression Brando already knew what it was like to be petite on the Metro.

Brando said...

Foggy, perhaps compared to a Bunyan-esque Gigantor Goliath Man, I'm petite, but in Guatemala I'm totally huge.

/Appreciates the Guatemalans...

[F]oxymoron said...

When life gives you lemmonex's comments, turn them into sweet posts. I like.

But ahhh... how you do snay like that!?!

... and Snay ...

how often do people throw books at your crotch?

Malnurtured Snay said...

Thankfully never, unless you count the time the demented old guy got mad when I told him he wasn't allowed to masturbate in our art section.

(please read "Told" as "Screamed in horror as I shielded my eyes and tried to run away but tripped over a stool.")

Shannon said...

Foggy/Brando - One of the happiest times of my life was visiting Quito. I was freakin' enormous over there.

Foxy - *groan*

Snay - Yes, but was it art?

Malnurtured Snay said...

Let me put it this way, Shannon. When I was a young adult, I would head straight for the magazine section to grab a Playboy and ogle naked women. Now that I'm wiser, if I could impart wisdom to my younger self, I would simply say, "Go to the Art section. Half of 'em are soft porn!"

meghansdiscontent said...

You do so much good for so many. *grin*
Maybe you should make this a monthly feature of some sort such as having friends/readers shower you with praise and accolades on the first of each month.

FoggyDew said...

@meghansdiscontent - Yeah, we could call it Shannon's That Time of the Month.