Monday, October 26, 2009

How Does Your Garden Grow?

I'm moving this weekend. Even though I'm just transferring into a bigger apartment in the same building, I've been talking up the event like it's my biggest life change, ever. Ever ever ever!

So far I have: attempted to develop a mutant with handtrucks for arms, Evited a request to help me move, and asked friends and coworkers to grab a pencil and floor plan printout and take a stab at arranging my furniture. Somewhere in all this carefully arranged hysteria, Brando suggested I plant 'herbs and spices' on my balcony.

Except he typed it as, 'herps and spices.'

Well. I was instantly taken with the idea of my very own urban garden of venereal disease. I picture herpes as a vivid green moss. Chlamydia would probably be a delicate white flower, like baby's breath. Syphilis would be low-maintenance and popular among basement dwellers, like a spider plant. Gonorrhea would be a little more robust and colorful, perhaps like a cyclamen plant.

HPV? Not a plant, but the High Performance Vehicle I borrow from Zipcar to pick up my social diseases from the Home Depot.

When you think about it, most STDs have pleasant-sounding names. It's a rare word that sounds like what it is. 'Flabbergasted,' for instance. That sounds exactly like what it looks like: seeing every ounce of flab on your body, quivering and aghast at what you have just witnessed.

In the comments, tell me what various STD words sound like to you. Or just tell me your favorite word.

12 comments:

justjp said...

LOL! I could not imagine growing STD's. Try explaining that to a new girl. Umm, no it's cool, I am just cultivating the herps.

Just A Girl said...

Hmm, I think herpes is probably the least appealing of the std names. Unless you count human papilloma virus which is probably spelled way wrong, but either way sounds not fun at all. Chlamydia sounds like it might involve a beach to me. I don't know why...

Shannon said...

JP - Oh, babe, don't you worry! I grow herps for the pleasing aroma.

JAG - Chlamydia sounds like it would be a fruity liqueur. Or an upscale, trendy restaurant featuring small plates.

bh said...

I just got done moving this weekend. Just writing that gives me bad flashbacks.

Gonorrhea is the worst sounding name. Everything about it makes you shiver with "eh". Genital Warts is nearly as bad. Heebie Jeebies.

My favorite non swear word is Mango. Favorite swear word? Goddamnit.

It's just fun to say.

Fiery Nuggets said...

While I appreciate the tongue-in-cheek nature of this and most of your posts, I would like to remind everyone that STDs are not really a laughing matter. Promoting a glib attitude about such things is not responsible in my opinion and displays a level of ignorance that I do not think any of you really has or wants to be known for.

Shannon said...

bh - mango mango mango. You're right, it is fun.

Fiery - And that's one to grow on. Please refer to the FAQ for proper tone in addressing other posters.

Nobody's saying STDs are a laughing matter - we're just noting that the words themselves are a bit silly-sounding.

Anonymous said...

"Fiery Nuggets" sounds like an STD to me.

zipcode said...

This was quite amusing - congrats getting the bigger apartment - ENJOY!

Brando said...

I think we'd all feel different about STDs if they had fun names, like "love bumps" or "love burning" or "happy itch".

Shannon said...

Anon - Over the line, buddy.

zip - Thanks! I think I'll be able to do cartwheels in the living room. You know, if I could do cartwheels in the first place.

Brando - Personally, I think the mark of true love is an antibiotic-resistant souvenir.

Alice said...

i've always thought gonorrhea and chlamydia have deceptively lovely-sounding names. chlamydia sounds like a really lovely flowering plant - large, white, flowers. with big stamen.

AMK said...

As soon as genital wart is detected, apply some genital wart treatment cream that is natural and effective. A lot of medication is available in the market but only purchase the one approved by the FDA.