Tuesday, August 11, 2009

A Celebrity Sighting in Chinablock

Mascots are all kinds of creepy.

Barney, Mickey Mouse, and Smokey the Bear all dress outlandishly, lack peer friendships and exclusively surround themselves with small children. But instead of confining them to Neverland Ranch where they belong (what, too soon?), we allow them to roam the streets of America in an endless string of media events and photo opportunities.

The lone mascot that I have always respected is McGruff the Crime Dog. Not only because he wears clothes (a classic and stylish trench), but because he teaches kids to be safe and not climb into any strange refrigerated trucks. So I got a little thrill when I encountered McGruff in Chinablock on Saturday.

Then the sickest little part of my brain took over. Wouldn't it have been awesome if he'd handed out candy, then, when the kids took it, had chastised them for accepting candy from a stranger? Or, even better, what if he wore a trench because he was some sort of canine flasher?

In the comments, tell me if you think I'm a closeted furry.


FoggyDew said...

Time to up the voltage, my friend.

Lemmonex said...

You are not a furry but have one damn overactive imagination. I love it.

Shannon said...

Foggy - Huh?

Lemmonex - Thanks! Right now, I'm picturing you in a McGruff outfit.

Gilahi said...

So what if the dog's a flasher? Don't most dogs go around naked all the time anyway?

Brando said...

I can't imagine a more inconvenient fetish during the summer than the furry fetish. Except maybe a Saran Wrap fetish.

J said...

I noticed recently that during season three, ALF started wearing shirts a lot. As though the Tanner family was tired of his Bohemian ways.

And yet, he never wore pants..

P.S - please don't be a furry

Alex said...

Smokey the Bear particularly creeped me out as a kid, for some reason. Something about his voice.

Mr. J said...

If McGruff did indeed chastise kids about accepting candy, then they'd never trust furries. One day when they get to go to Disney, they'd get thrown in Mickey Mouse jail for giving Goofy a beatdown.

Heather said...

If McGruff had ridiculed me for accepting the candy he gave out one Halloween, I would have had serious issues with trick or treating, and that's just no fun! Also Alf majorly creeped me out as a kid, my mother bought me a stuffed Alf=nightmares for a year.

Patty Duke said...

"But instead of confining them to Neverland Ranch where they belong (what, too soon?)"

Waay too soon.

Shannon said...

Gilahi - But the McGruff paradigm is that he wears clothing! Ergo, flashing would be disturbing.

Brando - Or a snow fetish.

J - At least they didn't send Alf in for a chest wax!

Alex- Also, being the only person who could prevent forest fires is an overwhelming responsibility to heap onto a little kid!

Mr. J - Are you saying you ordinarily trust furries?

Heather - I hear Alf dolls come to life at night and suck out your soul. Just a rumor, though, I wouldn't worry about it.

Patty - Actually, the previous draft had a MUCH less tasteful version of that joke.

Dmbosstone said...

I'm not going to comment on your sexual preferences- but I will ask you recalled the time earlier this year when The Crime Dog got punched in the face.