Tuesday, February 24, 2009

When Your Dreams Die, Your Pranks Get Lame

In college, I used to have all sorts of diabolical schemes. World domination. Elaborate pranks. Building an obstacle course in my dorm room, so my freshman year roommate would become entangled in the furniture every time she stumbled home drunk. Founding a "UNC Swingers Club," just so my friend Mike and I could hide in the back and see who would show up.

But, as you get older, your dreams die. Most of us realize by age 30 that we will never be a rock star, doctor, astronaut, human cannonball, or John Cusack's personal assistant. My realization came a little later, and it hit me as much, much sadder: I will never be as evil as I used to be. I will always insult annoying vendors, and I still tell catcalling construction workers that I'm a pre-op transsexual. But I just don't have it in me to do the really elaborate stuff.


So I'm thinking smaller, and, of course, I'm thinking primarily about my own amusement. My current scheme is to get my friends' babies to have really appalling first words. Hint: babies LOVE the word "herpes." They also love "blister," "bunion," and "gonorrhea." Just think of the glorious potential in all this: sixteen years from now, when Mom and Dad are flipping through the photo albums and grilling the 'ol prom date, "And his first word was...HERPES!" is a guaranteed conversation starter.


So, yes, it's a lame prank with a sixteen-year ROI. But, really, I'm just trying to recapture my youth. And this is way more dignified than wearing a plaid miniskirt and dancing on the bar at McFaddens, no?


Now, all I have to do is get people to let me babysit.

16 comments:

Malnurtured Snay said...

I think a crucial step to initiating such an Evil Plan is to make sure that you keep your Evil Plan, er, secret.

So you might've failed already ...

Do your friends with babies read your blog?

Kate said...

When I visiting my brother in Phoenix a number of years ago, I honestly met a woman who admitted her child's first word was "bong."

Shannon said...

Snay - ssssssshhh....they can't hear you! Besides, this is just to throw them off my REAL plan.

Kate - Well, "joint" is MUCH harder to say.

Lemmonex said...

My first word was "shoe" but for years my selfish mother insisted it was "mama" until I found my baby book.

Malnurtured Snay said...

Shannon -- $10 or I post a link on my blog.

Shannon said...

Lem - A fashion maven from the start, I see!

Snay - No deal. Remember, this is just the decoy prank.

Malnurtured Snay said...

Shannon -- Forget the $10, dance on the bar at McFaddens in a plaid miniskirt and we're cool. (Just tell me when and where*!)

*Er, I don't actually know where McFadden's is ...

Michael J. West said...

The problem is that ALL pranks are really lame after making a flyer for the UNC Swingers Club that carries a testimonial from Newt Gingrich. "Forget 'Contract with America' -- now I'm all about CONTACT with America!"

Shannon said...

Snay - Oh my gosh, no thanks. My dignity is worth at least $15.

Mike - Ah, I'd forgotten about the prank testimonials.

jman said...

Sign you're not a kid any more? Using the term ROI when describing the payoff on your prank. Sign neither am I? I understood what ROI was.

Malnurtured Snay said...

Return on Investment.

bh said...

My first child's first word was mama.

His third was damnnit.

Not joking.

Ibid said...

I saw this cartoon and thought of you.

http://www.evil-comic.com/comics/e20090225.jpg

Tina said...

You'll have to do some real work for this to effect us. Based on my husband's vocabulary I'm pretty sure our little guy's first English word will be C**ksucker.

Shannon said...

jman - Once I use the word synergy, it's all over.

Snay - Or, Return of Ignominy.

bh - I once asked my mom what my first word was, she said, "Oh, Ma-Ma or Da-Da or something boring like that." Why, yes, I was the second child. Why do you ask?

Ibid - You know, that is how I grocery shop.

Tina - I wish that had been my first word!

Kate said...

I tried and tried and tried to get my friend's baby to say boobie. I'd poke my boob and say, "Boobie!" And every single time, she'd say, "Apple."

WTF?