But, as you get older, your dreams die. Most of us realize by age 30 that we will never be a rock star, doctor, astronaut, human cannonball, or John Cusack's personal assistant. My realization came a little later, and it hit me as much, much sadder: I will never be as evil as I used to be. I will always insult annoying vendors, and I still tell catcalling construction workers that I'm a pre-op transsexual. But I just don't have it in me to do the really elaborate stuff.
So I'm thinking smaller, and, of course, I'm thinking primarily about my own amusement. My current scheme is to get my friends' babies to have really appalling first words. Hint: babies LOVE the word "herpes." They also love "blister," "bunion," and "gonorrhea." Just think of the glorious potential in all this: sixteen years from now, when Mom and Dad are flipping through the photo albums and grilling the 'ol prom date, "And his first word was...HERPES!" is a guaranteed conversation starter.
So, yes, it's a lame prank with a sixteen-year ROI. But, really, I'm just trying to recapture my youth. And this is way more dignified than wearing a plaid miniskirt and dancing on the bar at McFaddens, no?
Now, all I have to do is get people to let me babysit.