It’s brutal out there.
I understand the urge to cut corners, save a little cash, and cheap out in anticipation of a bleaker tomorrow. Hell, I home-dye my hair, wear discount bin castoffs, and nearly always pack a lunch.
So split that entrée, make your own baby food, or grow fresh herbs on your balcony. Plant a victory garden, teach yourself shoe repair, or make your own lingerie out of discarded parachutes. If you want to save on gas by having shirtless out-of-work construction guys pull your car like a tin can chariot, go for it. Cut your own hair with a hand mirror and kitchen scissors. Churn some butter, give yourself a home lobotomy, or sell all your possessions and live in a yurt. Frugality is a wonderful thing.
But it can go too far. There is one place you should never, ever skimp. People of the world: when your gum is stale, throw it out.
Do NOT continue to gnaw on your hardened wad of cud. You are slurping, cracking, chomping and gurgling. It’s like a techno mashup of the world’s most obnoxious sounds. Plus, you’re on the Metro during rush hour, and everyone within a ten-foot radius is wondering if you have any idea how completely revolting you're being.
Because I'm so generous, I'll give you two free cents to spend in these tough times: get yourself a new stick of gum, dammit. Otherwise, if you sit next to me on the Metro, and smack and slurp on your three-day-old JuicyFruit, I will have to stomp you to death with my $25 faux leather spiky boots.