Monday, February 09, 2009

A PSA for These Bleak Times

It’s brutal out there.

I understand the urge to cut corners, save a little cash, and cheap out in anticipation of a bleaker tomorrow. Hell, I home-dye my hair, wear discount bin castoffs, and nearly always pack a lunch.

So split that entrée, make your own baby food, or grow fresh herbs on your balcony. Plant a victory garden, teach yourself shoe repair, or make your own lingerie out of discarded parachutes. If you want to save on gas by having shirtless out-of-work construction guys pull your car like a tin can chariot, go for it. Cut your own hair with a hand mirror and kitchen scissors. Churn some butter, give yourself a home lobotomy, or sell all your possessions and live in a yurt. Frugality is a wonderful thing.

But it can go too far. There is one place you should never, ever skimp. People of the world: when your gum is stale, throw it out.

Do NOT continue to gnaw on your hardened wad of cud. You are slurping, cracking, chomping and gurgling. It’s like a techno mashup of the world’s most obnoxious sounds. Plus, you’re on the Metro during rush hour, and everyone within a ten-foot radius is wondering if you have any idea how completely revolting you're being.

Because I'm so generous, I'll give you two free cents to spend in these tough times: get yourself a new stick of gum, dammit. Otherwise, if you sit next to me on the Metro, and smack and slurp on your three-day-old JuicyFruit, I will have to stomp you to death with my $25 faux leather spiky boots.

Thank you.

10 comments:

LiLu said...

I will have to stomp you to death with my $25 faux leather spiky boots.

The spikes better not be 'faux'. People need to recognize!

restaurantrefugee.com said...

If I could remove any culinary invention from the lexicon of human history, gum might not be my choice but it would damn sure make the short list.

Shannon said...

LiLu - The leather is faux, the spikes are all-too-real.

Refugee - I hate gum. Actually, gum grosses me out far more than cigarettes do.

Shannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tina said...

I have one word for you

Deoderent - they can keep the day old gum if only they will continue to buy them some Speed stick at the dollar store. I'll buy it for them even.

lacochran said...

"make your own lingerie out of discarded parachutes"

Okay, I admit that trying to get those holiday pounds off is more challenging than I thought but this is kinda harsh.

[F]oxymoron said...

that image is disturbing... very, very disturbing!

Shannon said...

Tina - Maybe you could be a humanitarian and start handing it out? Then again, somebody might punch you.

Lacochran - It's a World War II reference.

Foxy - You were expecting something more wholesome?

emma said...

I've never understood the non-stop gum-chewing thing. I'd be curious to know which gum you recommend, however, for long-lasting satisfaction. And which is first to go stale? Just wondering...

Shannon said...

Emma - No clue, actually. I don't chew gum, because I can't stand the sound of it. Ugh!