Monday, February 02, 2009

Tea-Bagged by the Boss

I love football. Especially the Superbowl.

OK, I don’t like, understand, or care even the tiniest bit about football, but I will whore myself out for any excuse to slob out on a couch, double-fisting chili and guacamole and washing it all down with calorie-dense, nutrition-free beer.

Therefore, the Superbowl did not disappoint. I spent this vital holiday with Foggy, who owns the couch that eats people (my feet don’t touch the floor, and I have to be airlifted out at the end of an evening), a much nicer TV than mine, and an endless patience for my football idiocy.

I tried to participate with the occasional, “Yay Pittsburgh Bumbebee People!” or, “I can’t believe I’m not rooting for the Cardinals, red is my favorite color,” or, “That dude is awesome,” and, lastly, “WHOA.”

The “WHOA” was saved for the halftime show. Bruce Springsteen, corny, obnoxious, eager-to-please, but still rockin’. Well, except for when he slid across the stage and squished his crotch into the camera. The reaction on the Man-Eating Couch was instantaneous:

“Oh my God! Bruce just crotch-slammed the camera!”
“He teabagged America!”
“That was manly.”
“I think we’re all pregnant now.”
“Even the guys?”

"I think my Bruce Baby just kicked."

However, I haven’t seen any news reports or sputtery bloggers discussing the camera-ready Boy Parts o' Bruce. The Bosses of the Boss. The Team, if you will. The whole thing strikes me as horribly unfair.

If we can get all bent out of shape over Janet Jackson’s exposed (and glamorously accessorized) ta-ta, can’t we muster some good ol’ Puritan outrage over the Franks n’ Beans of the Boss? Springsteen's Stringbean? The Gainfully Employed?

Come on, America, I expected better.


FoggyDew said...

Even better, Sports Center used the same shot in its opening Super Bowl montage at 11. I felt violated, again.

Lemmonex said...

Bruce was corny...but he is Bruce. I will let him do whatever he wants.

Shannon said...

Foggy - Well, I hope you laid in plenty of Plan B...otherwise, you're definitely probably pregnant.

Lemmonex - Um, ew.

restaurant refugee said...

When it was announced that the halftime was going to be in 3D, I didn't think this was what they had in mind.

Jo said...

Thank jeebus someone else noticed (and commented) on Bruce's balls to the camera incident. I thought my friends and I were the only perverts!

And restaurant refugees comment just made me laugh out loud/spit out my lunch!

Shannon said...

Refugee - Unless it WAS what they had in mind...I smell a phallocentric conspiracy!

Jo - When it comes to perversion, you are NEVER alone at Disaffected Scanner Jockey!

brandonsavage said...

I, myself, did not watch the superbowl. However, I did make mention of Springsteen's "malfunction" and how I half wondered if he planned to do that, and half wondered if the guy who waxed the stage was now among the newly unemployed. Glad you had fun though.

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Shannon said...

Brandon - if anything, Waxer Guy is now my hero.

Kin'xp - Fuck off. Thanks.

FoggyDew said...

I was wrong. "Punching the Koala" wasn't the only new euphemism to come out of this year's Super Bowl. For your consideration: "Waxing the stage" in honor of Bruce.

suicide_blond said...

...i turned to the crowd..and! his junk just came at me full was dizzying...
or maybe that was the vodka...dunno..

lacochran said...

This is no time to not include a link! Little help!

Shannon said...

Foggy - Ew.

Blond - the dizzying power of the Boss' junk, indeed.

Lacochran - You don't want to see this. And I don't want to find a link, as I will then spend the rest of my day watching it over and over. And over. And over.

Jo said...

Shannon, we re-wound the moment several times over at my house. The first time because not all of us caught it, then because it was just so damned funny.

Jamie said...

I suspect that there's a super-secret pact in the entertainment industry. The rules are simply that every half-time performer must use the Super Bowl as an opportunity to bring their anatomy to the attention 120 million people.

Shannon said...

Jo - Squiiiiish! Rewind....squuuuuuiiiish!

Jamie - My biggest concern is that 120 million people are going to give birth to Bruce-babies nine months from now. It's a brewing national health care crisis.

emma said...

ROFL! I am now going to have to search YouTube for this moment. Damn. That, alone, would have made it worthwhile to watch the game. Thanks for the play-by-play.