Friday, December 05, 2008

Fake Pregnancy Friday: My Dream Self Strikes Again

Months ago, a friend of mine dreamed about me. Not in any sort of hot or sexy way, no, he dreamed that I stole a bunch of groceries.

That day, we learned that my dream self is kind of a selfish beeyatch. And it's gone downhill from there. In my latest nocturnal adventure, I faked a pregnancy.

I didn't do it as some sort of grand social experiment. I didn't do it to con a man into proposing (from personal experience, all it takes is a huge bottle of Baltika). I didn't do it for attention, for the maternity leave, or even to use the Stork Parking or Metro Priority seats.

In my dream, I faked an entire nine-month, barf-and-bloat pregnancy to compete on a reality show. I lied to my boyfriend, family, friends (you were there, and you, and you, and you!), coworkers, landlord, and pretty much anyone else I could sink my claws into. I sat through an interminable imaginary baby shower for my unfit unwed motherly self, where I had to play appallingly embarrassing games, all while surrounded by cameras (the cameramen pretended to be from that Baby Story show).

The worst part is that I didn't even win. My fake pregnancy wasn't sufficiently convincing, and I lost to a woman who could make her navel go from innie to outtie with sheer willpower.

Come to think of it, losing was the best outcome. The prize was a Chinese baby and I'm clearly an unfit mother.

In the comments, I dare you to make sense of my dream.

15 comments:

Ibid said...

I bet you dinner we see that show in the next two years.

Shannon said...

Ibid - Oh, gosh. I hope the prize won't be a Chinese baby. That's when it all went completely weird.

FoggyDew said...

I'm just sad your dream self didn't feel it could trust me to tell me the truth. One of my goals in life is to screw over a reality TV show.

Of course, the real meaning behind the dream could be summed up in one hyphenated word: tick-tock.

Shannon said...

Foggy - I was going to tell you, but then you built a lovely crib and I felt like a jerk. Oh well.

Arjewtino said...

A friend of mine recently dreamed that I pooped my bed on a yacht.

What a moron.

I've never been on a yacht.

lacochran said...

Too much kung pao chicken?

Shannon said...

Arjewtino - At least I'm not a yacht pooper.

Lacochran - I had beer for supper. Maybe that was the problem.

Lemmonex said...

Well, clearly you would not do it for a seat on the metro. People never give those up. Jerks.

Ibid said...

FoggyDew:
There's a bomb in Chinese babies?

LiLu said...

Is it sick that this post made me hungry?

....Probably for Chinese?

Shannon said...

Lemmonex - I know! My dream self totally tried to score a good seat.

Ibid - Well, of course, the Chinese baby is kind of a booby prize.

LiLu - Is it sick that the photo of the fake belly looks really comfortable, and I want to take a nap on it?

Anonymous said...

Personally, I feel that your dreams are showing real growth. Instead of stealing my groceries, a purely selfish act, you're now willing to endure personal trauma in addition to traumatizing others;).

Brett said...

Ok, not to sound vain (which I am), but link to my blog lady!

Shannon said...

Anonymous - I feel like I've really grown as a person. NExt? Arson.

Brett - Will do!

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