Wednesday, December 03, 2008

First, Let's Kill All the Thesauri

One of the most thrilling aspects of administrative work is my happy fun time in the Customer Service Vortex.

That first sentence wasn’t sarcastic. It’s really very fun. I spend all day calling people, being transferred to people, and having those people transfer me to other people, until I’ve met 200 new friends and wound up back where I started. It allows me to put on my “Secretary Voice,” the cheery/don’t mess with me “ain’t my first time at the rodeo” attitude.

My favorite people are the postage meter people. People who know postage meter people? The luckiest people in the world. These guys turned chaos into art. It’s a rabbit hole, a mirror, a funhouse of spectacular and cheery incompetence.

Amazing Feat #1: The super-special “high priority” customer service hotline. Which sounds suspiciously like a click, dead air and a dialtone.

Amazing Feat #3: The ability to continue to list our account as Cleveland-based, no matter how many times I explain that I am not, in fact, in Cleveland.

Amazing Feat #4: They split our (very simple) account into three separate accounts, with different account numbers, none of which seem able to interact with any of the other accounts. (People with disassociative identity disorder know that they have alter egos. Postage people, however, lack those necessary alter-ego communication skills.)

Amazing Feat #5: They have totally different setups (and hotlines, and account numbers) for “Renting” and “Leasing.” Yes, folks…ignore everything the thesaurus ever told you. Renting and leasing are totally different concepts.

Amazing Feat #6: That none of their staff would have noticed that there was no Amazing Feat #2.

At this point, I’m thinking that if I start flashing people, it might get us a postage scale. Or a restraining order. Either one.


LiLu said...

Or maybe both! Don't limit yourself, my dear!

Ibid said...

...or singles stuck in your pants.

Draffish said...

Sounds like the company I work for, They are based in Alaska, I live in MD. but no matter how much I explain that I am in MD they constantly tell me to come in to fill out paperwork.

Shannon said...

Li - I think I'd rather have the scale.

Ibid - In this economy, more like nickels. And those can get chilly.

Draffish - HAve you tried getting them to pay for you to go to Alaska? Maybe not in December, but I hear Juneau's lovely in the spring. By which I mean, July.

Doug said...

"Hi, I'd like to speak to a manager."

"I am a manager."

"Then I'd like to speak with your supervisor."

"I don't have one."

"I can tell."

Shannon said...

Managers and supervisors are TOTALLY different concepts, anyway. Like the company I worked for that didn't have bosses, or even supervisors. I worked under a "facilitator"?

Draffish said...

I may try that, but seeing as they can't seem to figure out my gender or my home address I'd probably end up in Russia or something

Shannon said...

Russia and Alaska are TOTALLY the same thing!