Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Bah, Humdrum!


I'm not a holiday person. Christmas music is the auditory version of the world's most boring cocktail party: all small talk, repetition and tiny thoughts. I've never seen It's a Wonderful Life. Travel, crowds, and lines give me panic attacks. I can't bake cookies, as I lack counter space, a reliable oven, or the inclination to swan about my tiny kitchen, measuring and sifting like some sort of prissified dork.

The only hooray of the season is that I can put on a pretty dress, swallow up huge portions of free booze, and call it, "networking." I have several "networking" events this weekend, for which I will need a pair of shoes.

And that's the tragedy of it all: I can't find the shoes I need. I went to the DCUSA complex in Columbia Heights with an ample budget of $25, and hit Target, Marshalls and Payless. All had satiny party shoes.

Let me correct that statement: All had satiny, strappy, OPEN-TOED party shoes. Because what I really want is to run around in 35-degree weather in sandals and no stockings, with my pasty white winter skin on full display. (My deeply tanned summer skin is a slightly less flourescent shade of white, more of a bony ecru with a hint of shimmer.) Why can't these emporia of holiday cheer stock something, I don't know, wearable during the holidays?

Garghhhh! Thanks for ruining Christmas, Target! Or, rather, thanks for being a minor logistical hiccup in my master plan to slosh my way through the weekend, lurching at people and hopefully attempting something godawful-but-hilarious, like licking my boyfriend's boss.

In the comments, please tell me I can wear Chuck Taylors with my party dress. The high-tops are dressy, right? Or are low-tops classier?

20 comments:

Lemmonex said...

The low tops show the ankles...much sexier.

Problem solved.

Shannon said...

Lem - Thanks! Now, if you could just tell me what sort of cookie to take to a cookie exchange, I'd be all set.

Gilahi said...

Oreos. Take Oreos to the cookie exchange. Everybody likes 'em. And they'd go well with the Chuck Taylors.

Doug said...

combat boots are always a good choice in this situation.

Also, apparently stockings with open toed shoes are in this year. Seriously. Much to my chagrin.

And yes, I'm a straight male.

Shannon said...

Gilahi - Except that if somebody stayed up for three nights making their grandma's pumpernickel spice backflip cookies, they're gonna be ticked that I wussed out.

Doug - I don't get that look, either. You gotta have the reinforced toe stockings, or they rip up in ten seconds - and that seam looks RIDICULOUS poking out of a satiny shoe.

Tina said...

I recommend the "stops abruptly at the ankle" pantyhose that Target sells. 'Cause they look really classy with strappy open toes shoes.

as for the cookies do what I do - get thee to a bakery and arrange what you buy on one of your own plates, shake some sprinkles over them and then cover with festive saranwrap - you can truthfully say "well of course I did them myself but I did have some help."

Ellie said...

Get yourself to a Ross. For $25 you can have three pairs of shoes. I was at the mother Ross this weekend and they had some great party shoes. Close those toes and don't fall for the "in this season" line. I will never wear pantyhose with open toed shoes!

Shannon said...

Tina - Genius. I just can't bake in my little kitchen.

Ellie - Awesome, I'll try that.

I just took a pair of shoes that would work with my party dress, but needed a quick repair. The ripoff artists demanded $30, up front, and they insisted they won't be ready until Monday anyway. No rush service available.

All they have to do is re-attach a button and re-cap the heels. That's it. I'm tempted to go demand my money and my shoes back when I get off work.

(So, in case you were wondering, Cobbler's Bench in Farragut is a complete and total ripoff. Take your money elsewhere.)

OK, rant over. Cheating scumbags.

lacochran said...

Wait, which part of your boyfriend is the "boss"? Oh, duh!

Katherine said...

How about wearing flip flops and tights? I saw that yesterday on the Metro. Hand to God.

Shannon said...

lacochran - No, I'M THE BOSS. Of all of you.

Katherine - Oh, heavens no. My heart hurts at the notion of flip-flops, let alone flip-flops and tights.

restaurantrefugee said...

I'm with Lemm, definitely the low-tops.

HP said...

I think your problem is shoe shopping at Target. Try DSW.

Shannon said...

REfugee - I've added your vote to the total.

HP - I love Target shoes! But I did try DSW last night - nothing closed-toe available in my size (5.5). I guess tonight I'll try the Payless downtown.

bh said...

Some fool keeps trying to sell people on the notion that stockings are now acceptable with open toed shoes. THEY ARE NOT. Much like trying to pull of all white heels with anything other than a wedding dress, it didn't work, won't work now, and will never work in the future. Ever. Ever. Ever.

Sorry to vent.

Shannon said...

Bh - I agree. It looks sort of cute in a magazine, but in real life the toe seam would keep poking out and shifting. I can't stand sloppiness. And vent away.

f.B said...

i. love. Chucks. i wear the high-tops with a black suit sometimes, so i see no reason imaginable why you can't rock them with a party dress.

you gotta go high-top with a dress. show off the star on your ankle. you can't get a star on low-tops.

zandria said...

I could totally do without Christmas. I despise holiday music. Parties are nice, but not if you have to buy new shoes just to attend them. :)

Shannon said...

f.B - But if I wear the star, with dangly earrings, will I be over-accessorized?

Zandria - I agree. And the shoe thing is way more stressful than it should be - I'm just going to wear work heels and be done with it. No matter how bad I look, there's always a woman in a Christmas tree sweater. That lights up.

Dana said...

I wore 3-inch heels to my station Christmas party. You do remember my grace and ability to stay upright on my feet at UNC, right? Hell no, we met when I was on crutches and about to fall down a flight of stairs! Let's just say that when the dancing started, the shoes came off.