Wednesday, December 10, 2008

In Which I Seek Meaning, But Find Unflattering Separates

I don't share. I'm possessive, jealous, meticulous, controlling, and downright scary.

I'm not talking about men. I'm talking about closets. The two are closely related, however, and in more than just the Larry Craig sense.

That's because one of the biggest moments in a new relationship is when you offer up a small portion of turf: say, a drawer, a shelf, or Herzegovina. I went upscale and gave J. his own little closet corner, with hanging shelves and a basket for sundries (hey, if I'm gonna give up turf, it's going to be under my own exceedingly anal-retentive terms).

But first, I had to make space.

I disposed of a collection of button-down blouses. I don't know why I even bought those, as nothing creates a boob plateau on the already A-cupped like a button-down. Blouses make me look like John Edwards, except with a snappier haircut. So, no real loss.

But then we got to the weird stuff: my mother's wedding gown, which is a hand-embroidered hippie monstrosity. I wear it on Halloween sometimes. My wedding gown, which is lovingly preserved in such a way that it looks like Headless Me in a Box. A shoebox of my sister's old school reports, helpfully labeled, "Skye's Crap." My old school reports, including one from kindergarten claiming I have "issues with spatial relations." Coats I never wear. Dresses that don't fit and probably never did. Dresses I wore once (like, the, gown.) And more, and onwards. The absurd jumble of a life lived in the silliest way possible.

A more insightful blogger would find meaning in all this: "making room" in a literal and figurative sense, to allow a new relationship to grow. She'd find symbolism in these bits of family, past relationships, and prior selves. She'd set up her little Boyfriend Corner with a weepy sigh, a sense of purpose, an exploding heart, and a wry smile. Then she'd tell you all about it and you'd each come away feeling like you've learned and grew and changed. Like dandelions on a sunny field, while the cows do their cowlike mooing in the gooey twilight. Or something.

But that ain't me. So, instead, I'll tell you how I announced the Grand Opening of the Boyfriend Closet Corner:

"This is where your stuff goes. You have shelves! This is your basket. Now I don't have to look at piles of stuff everywhere. Cool?"

Clearly, I haven't learned a damn thing.


Anonymous said...

Can you come over and help me create my own Boyfriend Corner? I'll ply you with booze and tortilla chips.

Shannon said...

FK - Sure! I'm thinking I could make a sideline income doing this. Of course, it would mostly be my girlfriends paying me in booze, but that's still a pretty sweet deal.

Tina said...

I will pay in copious amounts of booze and even real cash if you will come make space in my closets. The catch? My husband (who is clearly the woman in our realtionship) will be weeping and sighing over every item you dispose of - mine as well as his. Me - I don't have a sentimental bone in my body. Mercenary perhaps - the reason I have not doen this myself is both to preserve marital harmony and because deep down I believe there are people out there that would pay millions to buy my old shit if only I ever got organized and put it on e-bay.

Doug said...

I gave GF her very own corner in one of my drawers. Thats where she stores her extra undies and socks. Anything else gets sent home with her. At her place? I've taken over an entire corner of her apartment, where I leave a big pile of messy clothing. No idea what's in that pile, but I leave it there to fend off other guys ;) haha

Shannon said...

Tina - My assistant will give your husband a consoling backrub, as I dispose of (and torch) all your unnecessary items.

Doug - I'm assuming the messy pile has an aroma that deflects Eau de Bridal Magazine.

Shannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
HP said...

So really you just gave him a corner because you hated his mess. How magnanimous.

Shannon said...

HP - Yup. Like I've said, I haven't learned a damn thing.

lacochran said...

You had me at "while the cows do their cowlike mooing in the gooey twilight". Wait, what?

Shannon said...

Lacochran - what? Exactly.

But I do want to start a band called Gooey Twilight.

lacochran said...

I'd totally see a band called Gooey Twilight.

And then illegally download your hits.