Thursday, April 10, 2008

Why I Can't Buy Underpants


I blame 90210. What? Exactly. The other night, I went to Urban Outfitters. I stopped in to pick up some underwear (oh, hi Dad!) and I got stuck within ten feet of the door.

It was like the poltergeist of Kelly Taylor's wardrobe, haunting us with bad fashion. Floral babydoll dresses, meant to be worn with clompy boots. Ankle-length leggings. Neon. High-waisted jeans. Vests. Vests all over the place. All that was missing from the hellish tableau was a floppy hat with a big flower on it.

My fight-or-flight response to bad clothes kicked in. I could either torch the place, or run. I left with my wallet no lighter and my arms free of cute boyshorts. Even merely being in the presence of these monstrosities violated Shannon's Law of Fashion:


Shannon's Law of Fashion: If you wore it the first time it was in style, you're too old to wear it the second time.

So I did what any sane person would do: I went straight home and added a bunch of 90210 episodes to my Netflix queue. I needed to spend some quality time with Brenda, Brandon, Oooooohndrea, Kelly, Dylan, David, Steve and Donna.

Reliving 1990 did nothing to calm my troubled mind. How did beach bunny Kelly spend every weekend laying out, but stay as pale as ever? Why were Brandon and Brenda so creepily obsessed with one another's virginity? Why did such supposedly cool kids do such lame stuff on the weekends, like pal around the Walsh house or participate in mother-daughter fashion shows? What happened to all the Issue of the Week women, like the straight-A teen mom, the runaway ex-girlfriend, the rape victim cheerleader, the alcoholic surfer babe, or the psychowench who got cured of her diet pill addiction in the last five minutes of the slumber party episode? All of them disappear. Did they transfer to some alternate universe West Beverly where they got their own series? If so, that would be the best TV show ever, and I am furious that I don't live in that alternate universe.

And, most importantly, why didn't he bring a blanket? *Sob*!

17 comments:

Arjewtino said...

Don't forget the very special episode on not spinning around your finger your dad's loaded gun.

Shannon said...

Dude, I haven't gotten that far yet. Don't spoil the surprise!

But the lessons I've learned have been so valuable. Don't get drunk on tequila and Hawaiian punch. Don't get raped by the football team. And always, always bring a blanket.

I have thoughts said...

I can't lie. I liked the OC better than Nine-Oh (as my wife loves to call it). Yeah, it didn't have the staying power, but it also didn't have Brian Austin Green. I HATE HIM!!!!

lemmonex said...

I love vests. I am on a personal crusade to bring them back. I find them kind of naughty hot if they are rocked the right way.

As far as 90, mom would not let me watch (too much sex...hahaha, that did not stop me...) and I never really picked it up as a kid. It is a huge void in my pop culture knowledge.

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

I saw this fashion in Express yesterday in Union Station, was thinking the exact same thing.......

I will proudly announce, I own Seasons 1-3 and Melrose Place 1-3 lol

Justin said...

Dude. Degrassi. It goes there.

In case you saw the original and think I'm referring to that, trust me: try Degrassi: The Next Generation.

http://imdb.com/title/tt0288937/

Trust me.

I think it's on NOGN or something, not sure.

Shannon said...

IHT (may I call you IHT?) nobody bags on the BAG 'round these parts.

Lemmonex, 90210 made sex so unappealing that you would probably still be a virgin if you'd been allowed to watch it.

20210, it's at Express, too?

Justin, I remember Degrassi! I was in awe of its awesomeness.

I have thoughts said...

You call me whatever you want, but I just can't help it. I was always hoping Steve would run BAG over with his corvette or that Nat would dip him in fryer grease or something. He irks me like no other Nine-Oh character.

Erin said...

Confession: Mike and I have seen every episode of Degrassi: The Next Generation. It is awesomeness. We have a dvd you can borrow to get a flavor for the series...the dvd features the three episodes where Kevin Smith guest-starred and filmed the fictional "Jay and Silent Bob go to Canada, Eh" movie at Degrassi. It rules.

SickGirl said...

they're doing a remake of 90210 which is appalling to me because you just can't mess with perfection.

also i agree on the Degrassi issue- you should totally check it out. especially the original series which was on i think in the 1980s. after living in canada in high school i couldn't help but get hooked.i actually own the Degrassi Jay and Silent Bob Movie- fab. it's on the N network (new episodes on Fridays) all the time. i'm not obsessed, i swear.

imperialme said...

Sickgirl, it is indeed of the 80's. I still hear the theme song in my dreams sometimes "...Degrassi Junior Hiiiiiggghhhhh!!!!".
Make it stop....

imperialme said...

Does Saved by the Bell fit into this discussion? Cause THAT was awesomeness!

Shannon said...

DeGrassi High? People, you are forgetting the awesome best high school show of all time: My So-Called Life! ImperialMe, especially, geez.

Maybe I should just blog about TV.

Shannon said...

Also, NONE of you brought a blanket!

KassyK said...

I will admit this with pride--My Bat Mitzvah "t-shirt favor" read:

"Lauren's Bat Mitzvah" and 120791 (the date) like the BEV HILLS 90210 symbol and zip code.

I was so ahead of my peer group... and it was the big hit on the Bar Mitzvah scene circa 90-92. LOL

Remember the episode where Kelly taught us that we should not dress like a Slutty Witch on Halloween?

That show was gold!

Shannon said...

Well, of course you're not supposed to dress like a slutty witch! And don't forget that you're also not supposed to bet on sports, work in a sweatshop, or drink and surf.

imperialme said...

See, now MSCL doesn't fit in the discussion cause it actually WAS good. And somewhere, Rayanne is waiting for me to fix all of her daddy issues.....