Sorry for the unannounced hiatus. Instead of making a big deal over the fact that I was taking time off, I decided to just go away and see if anyone missed me. You didn't miss me at all, did you? Not even a bit? Thanks, guys. Nice to know I'm such an essential part of your daily existence.
As punishment for not missing me, I'm going to tell you a bunch of really boring stuff about my life. Things are amazingly awesome and busy right now. I started a new job Wednesday.
I took Monday and Tuesday off to clean my apartment and redo the bathroom. Two straight days of cleaning? Whee! And, after a year of not being able to buy stuff, go anywhere, or do anything, I've been indulging in a few lifestyle upgrades. My new cellphone, which in no way resembles a brick, log, or outhouse. A shelf system. My classy new penguins-in-sunglasses bathroom scheme. Buying out West Elm's stock of my (discontinued!) stemwear. A happy little journey to the Clinique counter (it's free bonus time at Macy's).
And, best of all, my bangs have finally grown back!
I've also been filling in various forms for my new job, most of which involve the pull-the-plug, slice-the-pie aspect of Death. This has created some heartfelt discussions with my sister:
Me: So, you're the beneficiary on my life insurance.
Skye: Cool, how much do I get?
Me: 15 grand.
Skye: That's it? You're worth more alive than dead? I can't even bury you for that.
Me: I know! Just get some Hefty bags and dump me in a river.
Skye: Then I can use the rest of the money for a party.
Me: Or you can give me a Viking funeral. Put me in a boat, set me on fire.
Skye: I can't buy a boat for $15K!
Me: Just a little dinghy, for, like 500 bucks.
Skye: Are dinghies flammable? They're metal. I bet it would cost me a fortune in lighter fluid.
Me: Fine, we'll go back to the original plan: Hefty bags and a swift-flowing river.
Note: Skye's life insurance is way better than mine, and I get double the money if she bites it on the job. So is anybody up for some office booby-trapping?