Thursday, November 29, 2007

My Love Life Has a Driver's License

My first date was over 16 years ago. Yes, my romantic life is now old enough to drive.

Dating used to be challenging and intimidating. Does he like me? Do I like him? What’s going to happen next? How do I get through the next two hours without turning into a babbling freak or a mute bundle of nerves? In high school, I never stuck with the same guy long enough to contemplate a serious relationship. In college, I never stuck with the same guy long enough to contemplate a future. Then I was married and the future was indeed contemplated – and, in fact, mapped out year by year for the next 50 years. That didn’t work out, so I’m back at the beginning.

And I’m bored out of my mind. Seriously, it’s all the same. If I meet a guy at a bar, he’s successful and thinks I’m cool because I prefer beer to pink froofy girl drinks. If I meet a guy through friends, he’s a nice guy with a great personality. If I meet a guy online, well, that’s the most cliché-ridden, soul-deadening experience of all. He’s funny, well-traveled, a good conversationalist, and appreciative of good wine and food. It’s enough to make me want to meet a guy who has no sense of humor, has never left his basement, delivers long-winded monologues about TV shows I’ve never seen and eats nothing but Doritos and Mountain Dew. Because at least that would be different.

I guess the point is this: cynicism has set in and dating gets drearier every year. It’s a grind.

Come on, men of Washington, impress me. You can even impress me in a bad way if you want. You aren’t even creepy or self-aggrandizing anymore. You’re just playful and secure and looking to start out as friends and see where it goes. Also, you like puppies and America and rainy days, and you’re equally comfortable in jeans or a tuxedo. You never have any drama or baggage, which makes me wonder if you’ve really spent the last 20 years in a fallout shelter (if you don’t have baggage, you haven’t really lived).

And please, don’t be playful. That just makes me feel like a pedophile.

8 comments:

Dana said...

I've been divorced almost eight years now, and I've never figured out this dating thing since then. And dear God, no more men I meet on the Internet! They either turn out to be psychos or secret commitment-phobes who "collect" women online. In any case, I've decided to wait until the Universe drops someone at my door. Otherwise, I'm fine being alone.

Anonymous said...

yawn

Shannon said...

You wanna come up with something better, anon?

Anonymous said...

No, because I'm just boring like every other guy you meet.

Kristen S. said...

Follow my lead and move to Vermont.

Shannon said...

Well, so long as you aren't financially and emotionally secure, and enjoy curling up on the couch. Barf.

Anonymous said...

guess my sarcasm didn't translate very well lol

Anonymous said...

and did I mention that only puppies and kittens like curling up on the couch.