My resume is my own personal Leaves of Grass. I’m going to tweak and retweak that thing until the day I die. Now that I’m job hunting, the sprucing sessions have been near-constant.
My latest revisions involve emphasizing my skill set. You know, languages, computer programs, and so forth. Unfortunately, many of my most impressive skills didn’t make the final cut. I included palm reading on my resume, because my headhunter was really amused by that. So, as a Friday treat, here are the amazing things I can do that will never ever wind up on my resume.
1. I have perfect posture. I can walk in a straight line, in heels, arms out, with a book balanced on my head. Blindfolded. After two martinis.
2. I can put on a gas mask in under 30 seconds and administer nerve agent antidotes.
3. Thanks to having lived overseas, I can prepare virtually any American comfort food without any of the original ingredients.
4. I can repair a muffler with a Chicken McNugget.
5. I can recite the introduction to The Canterbury Tales in the original Middle English.
6. I can pack for a two-week vacation in under twenty minutes.
7. I have a sixth sense for when J. Crew's website is offering an extra 20 percent off all sale items.
8. I can open beer bottles with a corkscrew, a car bumper, and a man’s size 10 dress shoe.
9. I can contort myself to fit inside virtually any cardboard box.
Now all I have to do is troll the Craigslist job postings until I find a company where I can open beer bottles while standing perfectly straight and reciting in Middle English. While wearing a gas mask and administering antidote shots to passersby. Suggestions?