Etiquette for Urban Couch-Crashers

Whenever I read an article about houseguest etiquette, it always includes suggestions about "keeping the guest room neat" and "not monopolizing the washer and dryer." Of course, these laws are quite welcome in the McMansion fairyland of the outer ‘burbs. But for urban dwellers, they're pretty laughable. My "guest room" is an air mattress, tucked in a nook between the stereo and the balcony. And I drag my laundry to the basement, as our good deities of rent control intended.

But that hasn't stopped me from running a highly unprofitable friends-and-family youth hostel out of my apartment. (My current visitor/college roommate is my fourth houseguest of the month.)

So what are some etiquette rules for urban houseguests? Well, I'm glad you asked:

1. Determine arrival and departure dates well in advance. As much as it's wonderful to see friends and family, I want to know when I can go back to my usual routine of eating Popsicles on the couch, clad in nothing but Underoos and cowboy boots while watching Xanadu on an endless loop.


2. Ben Franklin apparently coined the expression, "Fish and houseguests stink after three days." I would like to update it to, "Guests who remain longer than three days get a pair of kitchen scissors to the neck, and their carcasses thrown over the side of the balcony.” A long weekend is plenty, especially in a small space.


3. Don’t scatter your crap. Keep your belongings in neat piles in one or two places in your host’s home. Bonus: Don’t unceremoniously shove/move/dump on the floor any of your host’s belongings to make room for your stuff. Need more space? Ask.


4. Respect household timing and routines. You’re on vacation, but your host might not be. Don’t stay up late cranking music, and don’t wander into the bathroom to take a shower right as your host is trying to get ready for work. (That is, unless you have a burning need to flash your host. I shower at 7:15, come hell or hot water, and I personally don’t care if you’re already in there or not.)


5. If you’re driving, make parking arrangements with your host in advance. Cities are not car-friendly, and you probably cannot just pull right up and park anywhere you want. You may have to get up at the butt crack of dawn to move your car to a metered space, you may have to pay for it to be garaged, or you may have to cruise for an hour to find a spot. None of these things are within your host’s control, so please keep your frustrations to yourself.


6. Speaking of keeping things to yourself, don’t criticize your host’s cleanliness, décor, neighborhood, food, or, really, don’t criticize anything at all. If you’re that picky, you can have things however you want at the Holiday Inn.


7. Back to cars…cities are not car-friendly. Most of your destinations will involve walking and public transit. Wear appropriate footwear and don’t insinuate that your host should be driving you everywhere. If they offer to drive you, accept their kind offer graciously. (Especially don’t insist your host drive you to Adams Morgan on a Saturday night, in fact, don’t ask them to take you to Adams Morgan at all. It’s the Howard the Duck of nightlife districts.)


8. Don’t forget to thank your hosts for their hospitality. A bottle of wine, a dinner out, or even just a nice note or email will do.

Of course, hosts have responsibilities here, too:

1. Your home doesn’t have to be immaculate, but stay away from gnarly. Give the kitchen and the bathroom a once-over, and if your guest room is an air mattress, sweep the floors. Nobody wants to wake up next to last month’s tortilla fragments. While you’re at it, try to clear a little closet or luggage space for your guests. They’ll be a lot neater if there’s a designated area for their stuff.


2. Chill. Out. Don’t program every minute, or freak if a vase gets moved two millimeters to the right.


3. Find out if your guests have any dietary issues or allergies, and make a small grocery run. You definitely don’t have to cater every meal, but do keep coffee, a few breakfast items, and maybe some snacks on hand. And if your guests are anything like mine, triple up on the booze.


4. Sometimes, tourist traps happen to good people. Be a good sport if your visitors want to go somewhere odious, like the Air and Space Museum. However, if your guests want to go to Ben’s Chili Bowl, cold sober in the harsh light of day, and wait in a ridiculous line for watery chili, you have my permission to tell them it’s an overrated tacky tourist trap that only tastes good after the bars close.

In the comments, tell me about your houseguest rules. Or, tell me about your worst houseguest ever.

Turkey Dinner with a Side of Awkward

Dear Shannon,

I am having Thanksgiving dinner at my boyfriend's (we'll call him Steve) house this year. He and I have been dating for over two years. About six months ago, his ex (Lila Fowler) with whom I am not friends, sent me an email alleging that she had slept with him sometime around our first anniversary. As she is not particularly credible, that blew over relatively quickly.

As it happens, I have met his parents before and got along with them fairly well. I have not met his sister (Jessica) before - with whom he does not get along and who is still good friends with Lila (which leads me to think Jessica believes that her brother did, in fact, cheat).

So... what do I do here? Other than bring a hip flask of Patron for myself and a nice bottle of white for everyone else, I mean. I'd just like to be prepared for any eventuality, including snide remarks from the sisterly peanut gallery.

Thanks!

Billie Winkler

Dear Billie,

I think if someone invented the Truly Perfect Comeback that worked on every snide remark, advice columnists around the world would instantly go out of business.

Also, never mock the trusty hip flask. It has seen many a guest through many a disastrous event (proof: Foggy Dew brought one to my wedding). Finally, there is no way to be prepared for “any eventuality” – life just doesn’t work that way. All you can really do is carry yourself with dignity and hope for the best. This situation is about 60 percent under Jessica's control. Here’s the breakdown of where the rest of the control lies:

20 percent: Your boyfriend. Does he normally back you up when there’s a dispute with his family? This is important for two reasons: 1. if you’re considering marriage, this is HUGE, and, 2. if his family sees him as someone who sticks up for you, and won’t be a pushover, then his sister will feel less tempted to make snide remarks because she knows he won't put up with it.

15 percent: You. You’re going to have to hold your head high, be friendly and interested in what she has to say, and give this woman a chance. If you’re shy by nature, this is going to be a challenge. But it’s totally necessary: if you show up for dinner all defensive and ready for a fight, you’ve already lost. You’ve gift-wrapped an excuse for her to go nuclear on her brother’s bitch queen stuck-up girlfriend.

5 percent: Random chance. Maybe something will happen before dinner that puts Jessica in a good mood, making things easier, or bad news could turn her into the haranguing devil sister from hell. Or maybe she'll catch the swine flu and miss dinner. Who knows?

In the end, all you can do is show up as your best self, and hold your head high. She may make a snide remark, in which case you have two choices: the etiquette-approved subject change, or, for the truly daring, playing dumb. “I’m sorry, I don’t understand. Could you please explain what you meant by that?” can make even the most toxic person fumble. But in the end, this is about how well you and your boyfriend team up to deal with outside drama...so a spat with the sister may be a good thing after all, as it can help you figure out whether your guy is a keeper.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes!

PS – I do hope, whether the cheating allegations turn out to be true or not, that you got yourself thoroughly checked for STDs. Never take chances with your health.

Have a sticky etiquette question? Send it to scannerjockey@gmail.com!

Ask the Etiquette Vigilante: Dinner Party Evite-iquette

Dear Scanner Jockey/Etiquette Vigilante:

I usually use Evites to organize guest lists for various functions--dinner parties, cocktail parties, chili-cookoffs, Guy Fawkes rallies. I use the program not just to get the message out to my guests, but to keep track of who's coming so I can plan accordingly. However, my guests often check the invitation regularly but don't actually respond to tell me whether they're a yes, no or maybe. And of course many who do actually respond will say "yes" but not show up, or say "no" and then show up at the last minute.

For large gatherings (like a keg party or an angry torch mob) this isn't a problem, since a few more or few fewer people won’t make a difference, but this can really screw up a dinner party. And of course this happens whether or not I stress in the invitation that it is important for me to know how many will be showing up. How do I get the message across to these unreliable guests without badgering them?

Confused Latvian in Fort Fairfield

Dear Latvian,

The breach of etiquette in your first sentence has me quite flustered. Guy Fawkes rally invitations are traditionally delivered via fireworks display or a row of severed heads on pikes.

The most chaotic place in the world is the intersection between Technology Street and Human Nature Boulevard (Bogota’s airport is a close second). Evites are great for all of the reasons that you mention, but they have their limitations.

1. Guests can blithely ignore them, answer maybe, say yes and mean no, or say no and mean yes. It’s like watching a congressional hearing on C-SPAN, only less exciting.

2. They’re troublesome for hosts. There is no way to disable guests’ ability to invite others, thereby creating the impression that it’s OK to invite a bunch of randoms, bring a date to a funeral, or bring a squawking devil baby to an adults-only event.

Again, this is fine for informal gatherings where you can easily roll with guest list fluctuations. But any invitation involving a limited number of slots (road trips, dinner parties) should never be issued via Evite. Instead, you’ll have to visit 1876 (the invention of the telephone) and somewhere around 105 B.C. (the invention of wood pulp-based paper).

Call your intended guests two or three weeks in advance and invite them to join you for dinner. Use the paper to keep a tally of who is coming.

Sure, calling a bunch of people in a row is annoying, especially if you’re not a phone person. But the benefits far outweigh the annoyance of being an unpaid telemarketer:

1. One-on-one interaction negates the Evite Bystander Effect, that curious phenomenon where guests check the Evite daily but never get around to responding. (Yes, the host can see how recently you checked their Evite. And, yes, it’s really annoying when you do that – it comes across like you’re waiting to see if the cool kids are coming before you can clear your busy calendar and commit yourself to attending.)

2. It also allows you to (graciously) explain on the spot whether significant others, friends and/or children are welcome, reducing the potential for later misunderstandings and drama.

As for your unreliable guests, my first temptation is to tell you to find a better class of friends. However, good hosts cultivate a spiritual generosity that allows them to roll with the ‘maybes.’ Sometimes people can’t know in advance: they have to arrange childcare, they might have to work that weekend, they might be out of town. In that case, politely explain that you need to know one way or the other so you can plan and shop appropriately, and ask if you can check back in a week. If you put the onus on yourself to check back, vs. expecting Flakey McBailerston to sort himself out, find your phone number, and remember how to operate a newfangled tellyphone, things will go much more smoothly.

And a final note: two weeks is the absolute most notice you should insist upon for an event. Maybe three weeks, if it’s your wedding (even then, the caterers generally ask for just 72 hours’ notice for a final headcount). Believe me, I know it's agonizing to not be sure who is coming to your party. However, insisting upon a final guest list too far in advance comes across as controlling and diminishes enthusiasm for your event.

Thanks for writing in, Latvian!

In the comments, weigh in on Latvian’s dilemma, debate the merits of Evite, or tell me why I’m just so wrong that it makes your brain boil and contract away from your skull. Or send your dilemmas to scannerjockey@gmail.com.

Ask the Etiquette Vigilante

Since I'm now a semi-famous schoolmarm, I thought I'd turn that useful-but-unsexy reputation into a public service. I'm adding a semi-regular feature called, "Ask the Etiquette Vigilante."

Want to know how to cope when your married friends start bickering at the dinner table (I mean, aside from not ever getting married yourself?). Unsure how to politely turn down a second date with Mr. I Pick My Teeth at the Table? Wondering if you can bring your newish boyfriend to the Wedding Event of the Century, names listed on inner envelope be damned?

Look no further. Well, look over here: scannerjockey@gmail.com. Send your dilemmas and awkward moments, I'll post answers.

Disclaimers: All letters are mine mine mine, to publish, or not. I may not be able to publish every letter, because sometimes I like to gaze at shiny objects or run off to find Shermer, Illinois. All letters will be open to reader comments...though as real people with real feelings are involved, I will monitor comments to make sure everyone plays nice and shares toys. Names may be changed to protect the innocent...and the guilty. The People's Court may be shamelessly quoted. Readers may shamelessly read to the end of the disclaimer to see if I say anything embarassing, so, fine...when I was a kid, I thought Oil of Olay was Oil of Old Lady. Also, I accidentally put my underwear on inside out this morning. Happy now?

A PSA for These Bleak Times

It’s brutal out there.

I understand the urge to cut corners, save a little cash, and cheap out in anticipation of a bleaker tomorrow. Hell, I home-dye my hair, wear discount bin castoffs, and nearly always pack a lunch.

So split that entrée, make your own baby food, or grow fresh herbs on your balcony. Plant a victory garden, teach yourself shoe repair, or make your own lingerie out of discarded parachutes. If you want to save on gas by having shirtless out-of-work construction guys pull your car like a tin can chariot, go for it. Cut your own hair with a hand mirror and kitchen scissors. Churn some butter, give yourself a home lobotomy, or sell all your possessions and live in a yurt. Frugality is a wonderful thing.

But it can go too far. There is one place you should never, ever skimp. People of the world: when your gum is stale, throw it out.

Do NOT continue to gnaw on your hardened wad of cud. You are slurping, cracking, chomping and gurgling. It’s like a techno mashup of the world’s most obnoxious sounds. Plus, you’re on the Metro during rush hour, and everyone within a ten-foot radius is wondering if you have any idea how completely revolting you're being.

Because I'm so generous, I'll give you two free cents to spend in these tough times: get yourself a new stick of gum, dammit. Otherwise, if you sit next to me on the Metro, and smack and slurp on your three-day-old JuicyFruit, I will have to stomp you to death with my $25 faux leather spiky boots.

Thank you.

Etiquette Guide for the Modern Holiday Mooch

Thanksgiving ranks high on the Shannon apathy-meter. It's not that I'm hostile to the concept, or that I have anything against turkeys or gratitude. It's that if I cared any less, I'd slip into a coma. And die. And then what would y'all do? Oh, right, you'd assume I was on hiatus again. And then you might have a tasty sandwich.

Put your sandwiches down, and let's get back to me. When you're a hearty puree of Eastern Cherokee, Welsh Aussie, and Hessian mercenary, the Pilgrims aren't too big a deal. My family celebrates the holiday by ignoring one another from our opposite coasts and multiple nations...except for the occasional inappropriate text message exchange.

Me: Happy Thanksgiving. Now go celebrate the annihilation of our ancestors!

Skye: Nothing says yay genocide like turkey!

From there, I usually either get drunk and play Grand Theft Auto, or I get adopted for the day. I can't remember the last time I spent Thanksgiving with a blood relative.

Over the years, I've become something of an expert at spending holidays with other people's families. Here's the summation of all my wisdom. I like to call it the Etiquette Guide for the Modern Holiday Mooch:

DO: Bring booze. I usually bring a bottle of wine, and maybe a specialty beer like Chimay. If your hosts are vehement nondrinkers, bring a generously-sized, yet discreet, flask. You know, just in case things get gnarly and you're reduced to hiding under a table and taking a few nips while you play with the dog's favorite bouncy-ball.

DON'T: Wear boots if there's any chance your hosts will ask you to remove your shoes at the door. It is impossible to look dignified while simultaneously shaking hands, avoiding the hyperactive dog, and shimmying your way out of a pair of three-inch knee-high boots. However, if you face-plant, most people are nice enough to find it endearing.

DO: Bring a gift for the hostess. A batch of fudge in a festive drugstore tin is easy and cheap (10-oz bag Ghirardelli semisweet chocolate chips, can of sweetened condensed milk, melted together in a saucepan over low heat, stir in a tablespoon of vanilla, pour it all into a 9 by 9 pan, chill overnight, chop it up, and you're done).

DON'T: Get visibly drunk. You want to spend the day with a faint glow, not a full-on radioactive liver. Pacing, my dear, pacing!

DO: Offer to help. Bonus points: Time your offers so cleverly that you, oops, never quite get that chance to help.

DON'T: Mediate family disputes, even when asked. ESPECIALLY not when asked. As the referee in more than one onion riot, I can vouch that there are no winners. There are only people with onion bits in their nostrils.

DO: Try a taste of everything, even if it's not necessarily what you'd normally eat. No one likes a picky eater. However, if you have allergies, discreetly ask the cook if any of your Dreaded Ingredients are there - if they are, good-naturedly eat something else.

DON'T: Play fetch with a toddler. Apparently, this insults their innate personhood. (Children aren't people, but I digress.)

DO: Find and befriend the Drunk Uncle. This person may actually be a Mormon teetotaler fourth cousin, but he'll still be the guy who finds everything amusing and wants a heckling buddy for the day.

DON'T: Engage in political or religious debates, even when pressed. Aside from being tacky to discuss either at the dinner table, it's bad for the digestion.

DO: Take off a whole bunch of time off from blogging and expect your readers to squeal like Japanese schoolgirls upon your return. I'm back, bitches.

Incompetent Advice: Is this Guy for Real?

The perennially readable charlotteharris writes:

Hi Shannon,

I am about to cancel a 1st date with a guy but wondering if that would be a mistake. Here's the background:

My Match profile has (7) very recent (only weeks old) photos of me in various angles, some face only, others full length. Good representations, I think.

After emailing with "Johnny" he asked me for some additional photos, esp. if I had any in which I am wearing tank tops/flip flops. I said "oh you must have been burned before by someone who didn't look like their pics, but you don't have to worry about that because all my photos are recent, i really am a size 4, and i cannot tell a lie." I told him that if we meet and we like each other that he can have all the tank tops/flip flops photos he wants of me and was flirty about it.

He will not relent, he keeps asking me for more pics and I keep ignoring those parts of his emails because I have liked everything else about him on email and the phone, even after he (unsolicited) sent me additional photos of himself with his 2 kids. When I emailed him directly (rather than via my talkmatch address) he wanted to know why I didn't email him from my work email and I was like "oh I am a cop's kid, I can't help but be cautious about personal details."

So today he sent me this email:

"Did you ever think that maybe I wanted to do my background check on you?? There are just as many crazy women on the net as men, believe that… That's not too cool though, you even have pics of my kids!….I can understand the last name, address or home phone number but pictures?? C'mon now it's online dating for crying out loud! You trying to hide your hand with six fingers or something? The fact that you keep avoiding it makes me want to keep asking. Hey we found the first thing to disagree about…fun… Wait, you ask if I was at the Sprint in Reston, I think that's too personal of a question, you might stalk me. Let's just say I'm in Virginia…."

I know he's partly being sarcastic, but he is also kinda disrespectful, right? I am about to email him and just cancel the date and wish him the best. Or should I send him some damn pics and go on the date? I just think it's weird he wants more pics when I am confident the ones I sent are very good.

Thanks in advance!

~ charlotteharris

Dear charlotte,

OH MY GOSH. THAT GUY IS FREAKING AWESOME!!!! He’s nitpicking your lack of a flip-flop/tank top photo? Is he for real?

Tell him that not only do you have six fingers on your right hand, you have a penis, a prehensile tail and four earlobes arranged in a ridge formation across your left elbow. Plus, you sleep with a bunch of stuffed animals, and you snore.

On a slightly more serious note, if he's creating that much aggravation before you even go on one lousy coffee date, imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with him: "Thanksgiving? With your family? I'll need a complete menu, including recipes and potential allergens, photos of your entire family in all forms of footwear, and about a dozen Haldols before I can even contemplate such a step."

It's possible he's a decent guy with an unfortunate lack of social skills, and you've just gotten the wrong end of the stick somehow...but, really, why bother? He's being weird and hostile and he's badgering a woman he’s never even met. There are three billion other men in the world, plus all sorts of high-end electronic gadgetry, so listen to your instincts and run like hell.

And for a dose of actual seriousness: Don’t ever feel guilty for listening your instincts. If your gut is telling you that something is off, don’t worry about being “nice” or sparing this guy’s feelings. He’ll get over it. You don’t need anyone’s permission or validation to say, “Thanks, but no thanks.” And if he tries to drag you into yet another stupid argument about flip-flops or extra fingers, you are under no obligation to reply to him.

Lastly, if he is starting to give you the creeps, vs. merely being annoying, I would also recommend reporting his behavior to your dating service.

What do the illustrious members of the commentariat think? Additional advice/insights welcome…with the usual caveat that an actual person, with actual feelings, wrote in. So don’t be a jerk.

Incompetent Advice: Can We Find a Man for Lemmonex?

Darling Shannon:

Not to fan the fire of a million angry men, but I have a half serious/half joking question for you.

I have been reminded on several occasions that time, it is a ticking away. Time for me to find a man, make some babies. Where do I find these men? For reals? I am not a bad catch; have half a brain in my head, can string together coherent thoughts, will watch baseball games, cook, sexually adventurous, very soft hair, my breasts are like whoa...NO MAN. I admit, in the past, to some fairly self defeating behavior when it comes to boys, but I think I am almost there. Must snatch man, eggs slowly dying, youth fading fast...

Thanks for any insights...Lem

No one told you? Lemmonex, you petulant feminist ho, you can merely pull a husband out of your back pocket once you’re good and ready to lead a life of proper subservience and baby-popping.

Kidding aside, I have no idea why some people are single, and others are not. It's so random, and dating, love and marriage are things we actually have very little control over. A lasting relationship comes from timing, luck, chemistry, compatibility, communication, respect, humor, and affection. Those first three hurdles are the toughest: timing, luck and chemistry (yup, T.L.C....barf), and those are also the things you can’t control. Neat, huh? But you can be open to the experience and see what happens next.

So the thing to do is up the quality and quantity of the men you meet. Most advice columnists will tell you to volunteer, take classes, join a church, run up to random men in museums and lick them, etc. Bah. You want a man, not a radical lifestyle shift…correct?

So I’m going to suggest you turn to the Internet. I hereby dare you to post a personals ad on Craigslist (I know, I know…but really, as my dear friend pointed out, Craigslist works sort like Boyfriend Netflix). I’ll be happy to proof your ad and will even help you sift through the inevitable weenie pictures and bad poetry.

Be yourself, throw in a few facts that might be deal-breakers to the wrong guys, and let the right guys select themselves. I'd even say something about how you have baggage...because a man who claims he wants a woman with "no baggage" pretty much wants a blank slate with boobies, not a complex woman who's taken risks and lived a full life.

Or maybe one of my fabulous commenters will take you out for a coffee. Guys? Hello?

And does anyone else have advice, ideas, words of encouragement, etc? (Though please remember actual humans with feelings are involved here, vs. mythical Internet sprites, so please think twice, post once, and keep it respectful.)

PS: I know you’re kidding, but I’d be very careful about the hollering biological clock stuff. Committing to someone out of fear, rather than love, will fall apart in the end and leave you in a worse place then where you began. Live life at your own pace, and tune out the noise.

Incompetent Advice: The ABCs of the Email Kiss-Off

Hey Shannon!

I know your snarky sense of humor and your great way of being blunt while being entertaining. I also know you have a lot more experience with men than I do. So I thought you might be interested in tackling a subject in your blog for me -- how to write a good breakup email.

Mine is not your average breakup. I'm the person that the "It's Complicated" relationship status was made for in Facebook. For the past 5 1/2 years, my heart has very stupidly been attached to this one guy, the person who has, most of the time, been my best friend. But this whole time there's been this big back-and-forth thing going on. We don't fight and we've had exactly one relationship discussion. We just smolder.

Fast forward to this weekend, when he apparently slept with [redacted famous person], the [redacted famous occupation – I’m such a tease, huh?]. Not only that, but he texted me in the process of picking her up, and then left a message on Twitter about how he still smelled like her the next day.

We haven't spoken since, so he's aware that he's in the doghouse, most likely. But at some point he's going to write and I'm going to have to send him something saying along the lines of "You apparently just want a bragging buddy, and I need to not be the person that you think so little of that it's okay to rub other women in my face." Except not like that. I've written out a letter, but it's horrible. It's half passive-aggression, half self-loathing and a lot of misery.

So anyway, I thought you might like to do something on breakup mails. And if you even want to gimme the mickey for being the stupid idiot who's stuck around for 5 years, that's fine too. Anyway, I hope you don't mind me spilling all this on you. And if I haven't said so lately, I love your blog. :)

Luv,
-[Redacted, But Not the Redacted Famous Person with a Redacted Famous Occupation]

I’m always happy to tell people what they should do with their lives. Especially when they call me talented and skanky within the first paragraph. Awesome, thanks! No matter, let’s get on with it.

Wow, this man is tacky. He’s a kiss-and-tell, or, rather, a TMI-and-TMI. You’re well shot of him. But as you seem to know that, and regret this sordid little chapter in your life, so I’m not going to chuck further pearls of wisdom at your head. And I think we’ve all been in similar situations, where we choose to believe in someone despite all evidence of asshatery.

Instead, I’m going to discuss How to Send an Email You Won’t Regret. My “experience” with men dovetails nicely with my history of sending comically regrettable emails. I’m sort of an expert on the email emotion-barf. And why I normally think email breakups of any kind are bad, if your primary relationship with someone is online, then fine.

First Rule: Email is pretty much the worst idea, ever. It can be forwarded, broadcast, and live on forever on the bathroom wall of the Internet. A phone call or snail mail might be better.
Can’t cope with a call? Out of stamps? Absolutely must email?

Fine, Rule 2: Make your point, then stop talking. The more you say, the more ammunition you’re giving him. Keep it simple: this is how I feel, so we shouldn’t talk any more, over and out.

Rule 3: Whatever you do choose to say, leave the email alone for a few days. Don’t send it right away, because Tuesday’s deep statement on life will be Wednesday’s festival of self-pitying wacky emotion-barfing.

Rule 4: When in doubt, employ a ghostwriter. Here’s my suggestion:

“I feel our friendship has run its course. We’ve discussed my feelings for you, and that’s why I’m hurt by your latest actions. I don’t want to speculate why you would tell me about something I clearly would not want to know. I hope you were simply being clueless, and not callous. Either way, please do not contact me again. Do believe I wish you well, however, I just can’t be your friend any more.”

Anyone else have advice, ideas, opinions, ghostwrites, words of encouragement, etc?

If you’d like to be featured in an upcoming Incompetent Advice, in which I solve the problems of people who aren't nearly as messed up as I am, send your questions to mybrilcareer@yahoo.com.