Thursday, May 06, 2010

This Just In: I'm a Pervy Unicorn

I don't know if y'all saw this, but if not, go read it. Now. It's too delicious to pass up. I'll wait. Tea Party Washington Post chat.

Hi, welcome back! It seems the 'liberal media' allowed this gentleman to speak for himself, which involved just enough rope for reputation suicide and maybe a DIY doorstop or two. This Judson Phillips gentleman came across as a raging loony with a somewhat adversarial relationship to the truth. However, he brings up some valuable points:

1. If you don't buy health insurance, our secretive Socialist dictator president will throw you in jail.

2. Moderates are losers, because they don't believe in anything. That makes them worse than liberals.

3. But if you're a liberal, boy howdy. You're a child molester and embarrassed by our country, and not one of the 'real Americans.' (I'd love to hear how a moderates, who are worse than liberals, are worse than child molesters, but that could just be me.)

4. Does my status as an Imaginary American exempt me from taxes? Because, if so, that would be awesome.
5. Bill Clinton was president in 2004.

If you add it up, as an East Coast liberal, I'm a perverted unpatriotic unicorn. I've been called many things over the years, but that's a new one. I'd like to salute Mr. Phillips for his creativity.

I believe in disagreeing without demonizing. In learning something new via intelligent discussion. I like my satire with a side of sugar. And, most of all, I believe in being fair-minded. To that end, I ask my readers to find me a left-wing Judson Phillips. Someone out there who is ridiculous, prone to stretching the truth until it can be turned into a thousand paper cranes, and, moreover, is prone to hurling misinformed insults when cornered. Bonus points if you can find me some juicy quotes I can rip apart with my bare hands, like a plate of shrill, ignorant fried chicken.

The 'winner' gets satirized in an upcoming post.

In the comments, find me a left-wing Judson Phillips. Or debate whether the entire Tea Party movement is an elaborate prank to make conservatives look as misinformed and ridiculous as possible.


Brando said...

I nominate Michael Moore for starters. He's got a lot of choice quotes, but the one that stuck out was his Sept. 12, 2001 quote: "Many families have been devastated tonight. This is just not right. They did not deserve to die. ... If someone did this to get back at Bush, then they did so by killing thousands of people who DID NOT VOTE for him. Boston, New York, D.C., and the planes' destination of California — these were the places that voted AGAINST Bush."

See, had the hijackers taken down a building full of people in Dallas or Phoenix, that would have been terrific because those were red states. Lovely.

Ibid said...

Sorry, can't help. I'm a left wing Emo Phillips.

Shannon said...

Brando - Or, if Al Gore had won, 9/11 wouldn't have happened - meaning that everyone who voted for Bush has blood on his hands. Ew.

Ibid - Well, just call me Mr. Butterfingers!

FoggyDew said...

Man, Brando beat me to Michael Moore. Second choice: James Carville. He's not as loony as the fat filmmaker, but he is ardent. It's funny, since 1-20-09, all the really good wackos are on the right.

Brando said...

As they say, the party in power is unbearably smug; the party out of power is unbearably insane. During Clinton's tenure they called it "Clinton Derangement Syndrome" when his detractors just frothed with rage and would believe anything bad about him. During Bush II, they called it "Bush Derangement Syndrome". And guess what we're witnessing now?

The only thing as predictable as the "derangement syndrome" of each side is the alternate claims that "hey our side wasn't this nuts when your guy was in power!"

Guess what, they're all nuts, should calm down, have a valium and a beer, and be glad we're not Greece right now.

hannah said...

What about your mom? I find her mouth-frothing and general state of insanity to be rather incredible.

alex said...

I can't pretend to be fair and balanced -- there are loonies on both sides, but the ones on the right are far worse. Starting with the fact that they are much more prone to veiled and not-so-veiled threats of violence when they don't get their way at the ballot box.

Shannon said...

Foggy - The party out of power provides the looniest of the loons, it's PoliSci 101.

Brando - Ah, derangement syndrome, the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, the Birther Coverup...all the most pyschotic manifestations of Sore Loser Syndrome.

hannah - My mother has never frothed at the mouth! For starters, rabies doesn't exist in Australia.

Alex - Well, the left-wing people are too busy throwing rocks at the symbols of imperialism (like McDonalds) to take up arms. By the way, can anyone tell me why, whenever anyone in the world gets feisty, the first thing they do is bust up a Golden Arches?

lacochran said...

"I'm a perverted unpatriotic unicorn"

This is why we hang out with you.

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