Monday, August 18, 2008

Newsflash: Adams Morgan Is Still Grody

Anyone can tell you that the Adams Morgan strip is disgusting. It’s vile, gruesome, grotesque, and horrible. It’s the worst bars, worst food, and worst people in the Washington metro region, all concentrated into a few blocks of extraordinary suck.

In fact, Adams Morgan almost elicits pity, as all anyone ever really does is make fun of it. But, sometimes a cliché is simply the truth in its most banal form. Adams Morgan deserves its reputation. It really is just as bad as everyone says. It's the Howard the Duck of nightlife districts.

Saturday, I was roped into a visit to the Icky Strip for a friend’s birthday. He likes Adams Morgan, as it offers the best eavesdropping in the city (a personal fave of ours, "I didn't want to make out with that guy, but there was nothing else to do!"). He wanted to drink, he wanted to dance, he wanted me to curl up into a ball of pain and weep. Lucky for him, we achieved all three missions. Happy birthday, dude.

The men were mostly 'burban meatheads, circling and gaming their prey. The women were all meticulously dolled up, wearing their finest low-cut dresses, and rounding out their Big Night ensembles with the loveliest accessory of all…cheap plastic flip-flops.

Side rant: Why flip-flops? Aside from taking even an ounce of pride in your appearance, why would anyone want any part of their skin within close range of any surface of Adams Morgan? And why would you wear something that exposes you to serious injury when that drunk chick in the stilettos lurches your way? Shoes, people. That's what separates us from the animals.

Really, forget shoes. An evening in Adams Morgan requires a full body condom or Hazmat suit, followed by a hot bath, delousing, and a tetanus booster.

So, we drank, we danced, the birthday boy and another friend performed Michael Jackson dance moves to the giggly enjoyment of the entire bar. It was sort of fun, even. I forgot about being at the pub equivalent of a bunny slope or kiddie pool, drank a Stella (which I checked for roofies), and rocked out.

Once the party had broken up, I headed down the Hill of Despair to catch the Metro. I wove through bachelorette parties. (If I ever marry again, and someone tries to get me to run around Adams Morgan in a veil and penis stickers, I will hurt them. Severely. Yuck!) I wove through daisy chains of drunk chicks, holding hands and guiding each other through the throngs on the narrow sidewalks. I elbowed my way through a group of popped-collar meatheads, walking four abreast and jabbering loudly about who had packed the condoms.

But I survived. I made it home, and the contents of my mailbox gave the best proof that I had outgrown the likes of Adams Morgan: an issue of Elle Décor and a baby announcement. I showed off the baby photo to some neighbors, we squealed with glee and swapped recipes.

Adulthood is a beautiful thing.

77 comments:

Anonymous said...

First off, I love me some interior design mags. Second, I hate Adams Morgan. Third, I hate flip flops. They aren't attractive, nor are they even remotely fashion forward. And um...yeah, that's all.

Anonymous said...

Adams Morgan on a Saturday Night or being Waterboarded while Kenny G records play on an endless loop... jump ball.

Shannon said...

HP - for me, the worst thing about flip-flops is the way people walk when wearing them - toes curled under, shuffle shuffle. Bleah.

Refugee - I think I SAW Kenny G on Saturday.

Ibid said...

Nobody goes to Adams Morgan anymore. It's too crowded.

FoggyDew said...

As a fan of Howard the Duck, I believe you owe him, other fowl actors, and their supporters an apology for comparing him to Adams Morgan.

We're waiting.

Gilahi said...

Heck, with corduroy pants and flip-flops, you have your own one-man band just walking down the street.

*shoop* *flop* *shoop* *flop* *shoop* *flop*

Shannon said...

Ibid - snort.

Foggy - I bet Howard was at the bar, too, having a drink with Kenny G.

Gilahi - that would be beautiful, beautiful music.

Ibid said...

Ok, not Howard the Duck. Adams Morgan is the Phantom Menace of bar scenes. It's Jar Jar's swamp instead of the Mos Eisley Cantina.

Carrie M said...

I ranted about a certain kind of flip flop virus that DC seemingly has caught in a post last week, b/c while I love my regular flip flops, I don't wear them to:

1. Adams Morgan (of course I don't go there either)
2. Festivals
3. Work.

Shannon said...

ibid - Jar Jar tried to buy me a Jager shot on Saturday. He was Howard the Duck's wingman. Adams Morgan really is a Dream Team of suckitude.

Carrie - I only wear flip-flops to the beach, and I almost never go to the beach (I avoid direct sunlight). It was just so weird that these women went to all that effort to flat-iron their hair, wear dresses, etc, then topped it off with such sloppy-looking shoes.

Capitol Hill 20210 said...

I have cute flip flops - of the Coach brand variety and REI brand (not BMW dealership approved) but I loath Adams Morgan - I loath hanging out in DC anywhere honestly. I prefer my Pentagon South anyday of the week - better eye candy as well. lol at the Hazmat suit comment

Lemmonex said...

I really loved Hoard the Duck as a kid. Then again, I was a weird kid.

Shannon said...

Zip - well, since Adams Morgan is pretty much all suburban anyway, I don't know why you'd make the extra trip.

Lemmonex - Hoard the Duck would be an awesome name for a punk band.

Lemmonex said...

howard! I cannot type...are you just noticing this now? I am still a good person...

Shannon said...

I figured it out - I'm just tickled at the notion of hoarding ducks. Which I almost typed as a dirty word that rhymes with 'ducks'. And if only THAT could be hoarded!

Ibid said...

Kennedy started hoarding "ducks" back in the 60's during the era of free "poultry". Today it's hard (no pun intended) enough to get "down". We need to tap (if you'll excuse the pun) our National Strategic "Duckie" Reserve.
To paraphrase Moses, "Let my zipper go!"

Shannon said...

Of course, Ibid, Richard "Tricky Duck" Nixon put an end to all the free poultry.

Ibid said...

Vote for Ibid! I promise a chicken in every pot!

rachaelgking said...

I got your text and snarfed part of my beer up my nose in your honor, all the way up in Taxachusetts. As an homage, I was, at the time, standing in the dive bar I used to frequent at the tender age of 18. I'm not saying I ever danced on the bar to Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me," but I'm also not saying I didn't...

Shannon said...

Ibid --- or in every slot? Ew!

LivitLuvit --- You have no idea how many tipsy distress signals I sent out on Saturday night. Good thing I have the 1000 text message bulk plan.

FoggyDew said...

When you said, "Which I almost typed as a dirty word that rhymes with 'ducks'" I was thinking of changing the first letter, not the second. Still works, though.

Shannon said...

Foggy - first letter, not second. There are no male body parts that rhyme with "duck." Or, at least, if there are Cosmopolitan hasn't seen fit to tell me about them.

Anonymous said...

A veil and penis stickers?

Seriously?

This girl needs new friends...

Shannon said...

Brandon - the indignity of a bachelorette party has no bounds. At least the bride didn't make her girlfriends wear matching t-shirts.

Shannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
maryjanejeff said...

I never go out in AM either. Last time I was out there at night was a group thing at Ghana Cafe. Food, great. But it was way too hot and humid so I had to go home, popped collar asshats or not. I see too many of those when I go to Georgetown just to run stairs. I'm all about across the river. You are a great friend to your friend though for going out in AM.

Shannon said...

MJJ - It wasn't all completely horrible, seeing my friends rock out to Billie Jean made it all worthwhile. But yeah, it's very hard to get me on the Strip of Ick.

I feel dirty and ashamed.

lacochran's evil twin said...

I thought the Icky Strip was that thing you pee on to see if you're pregnant.

Anonymous said...

i dont think ive been in adams morgan since...
06/06/60
for you know...girls in devil horns jello wrestling...ahhhh
good times...
xoxo

Anonymous said...

oops..06-06-06...
xoxo

Shannon said...

Lacochran - the Icky Stick is a pregnancy test. The Icky Strip is either Adams Morgan, or a brazilian wax dyed hot pink.

Blondie - every day is 6-6-06 in Adams Morgan. Incidentally, that's also the date my divorce was finalized. Proof that I'm going to hell.

Velvet said...

I hate to say it, but I'm a huge flip flop fan. In fact, some homeless guy stole mine once and I'll forever be on a mission to find them.

I mostly wear them with jeans. If I'm going to be doing a lot of walking, I don't even bother with nice shoes because nice shoes wear out fast in the city and because then my feet will hurt.

I also don't flat iron my hair and I only wear mascara once a year. But that's just me. You wouldn't catch me dead in Adams Morgan so, uh, yeah, I'm not sure where I'm going with this other than to say Vive La Flip Flop!

Ryane said...

Adams Morgan surely belongs in a record book as 'the smallest number of city blocks that suck the most' or something like that. I wonder if we can petition Guiness?

Shannon said...

Velvet - I don't really have an issue with flip flops and jeans, since it's a casual look. But one, don't wear flops on the dirtiest street in DC, and two, if you're going to get all dolled up anyhow, wear real shoes.

Ryane - or petition the CDC to quarantine the place.

Anonymous said...

There are only three bars I will visit in Adams Morgan, and will only do so Sundays thru Thursdays.

And I now have the Howard the Duck theme song stuck in my head. Thanks for that!

Katherine said...

On behalf of all of us who have had or are about to have foot surgery, don't dis the flip flop. During recovery, our only options might be flip flops or Crocs. And if I had to choose between Crocs and flip flops (and death was not an option), I'd go with flip flops. Unless it was in Adams Morgan and then maybe that extra top layer of plastic would be a good idea. You know, to protect the wound...

Shannon said...

Frecks - Howard the Duck had a theme song? How did it go?

Katherine - Hi and welcome! I doubt all the women I saw on Saturday were having foot surgery...and forget Crocs in Adams Morgan. Go with the Hazmat suit. Blech!

Velvet said...

To each his own but if my only option after foot surgery was a croc, I'd tell the doctor to just go ahead and cut off my foot.

Jaybuls said...

Asylum ain't too bad...I like to pretend it's where Harry Potter would hang out after Hogwarts graduation. (and if there was a wizarding college in Woodley Park).

Shannon said...

Velvet - then I would probably eat the foot (sorry, Zipcode).

JB - I used to hang out at Asylum A LOT. But I haven't been in years - I just can't deal with the Adams Morgan crowds. And didn't anyone tell you there's a College of Wizardry in Petworth?

danielobvt said...

Redeeming factor for Adams Morgan = Amsterdam Falafel.

The fries and falafel combo cause me and family members to walk from Courthouse to there, eat as our reward, and then walk back.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
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