Wednesday, October 31, 2007

The Masculinity Quiz

I think modern men don’t really know the difference between masculine and meathead. So they either swing too far toward the meathead end of the spectrum, or they grow up into wussy silly girly-men. So, guys, have you gone too far one way or the other? Take this quiz and find out. If you are off the market, many of these questions will require you to pretend that you’re single. Go with it.

1. An attractive female friend calls and asks you to bring a drill to help her install some shelving. Do you:
a. Show up with a drill and a condom, because the “drill” thing HAS to be a double entendre.
b. Show up with a drill and the cheerful thought that handyman work might be a prelude to removing her underpants.
c. I don’t own a drill.

2. A cursory glance of your closet shows:
a. Five t-shirts and two pairs of jeans.
b. An assortment of jeans, slacks and shirts, predominately in shades of blue and green, plus one or two suits.
c. A bunch of stuff your last girlfriend picked out for you.

3. You’re at a bar. Another dude, approximately the same size as you, attempts to grab your date’s ass. Do you:
a. Ask the guy to meet you outside so you can punch him.
b. Fix him with a steely glare, tell him to back off, then walk on.
c. It’s the girl’s problem, not yours. Let her deal with it.

4. True or false: You have purchased tampons.
a. False. Hell no.
b. True, but only for a serious girlfriend.
c. True, what's the big deal?

5. You’re a college student. You’re taking a women’s studies class. Why?
a. I figure I’ll be the only guy there, and these hairy feminist chicks just need some good lovin’.
b. My GPA needs the help, and why not? I might learn something.
c. I want to understand how centuries of oppression have hurt women, who are the most amazing creatures on Earth.

6. Your girlfriend or wife makes more money than you. Your reaction?
a. Feel threatened and make sideways slams about her potentially having man-parts.
b. Feel a little weirded out sometimes, but support her ambitions.
c. Quit your job as soon as possible to stay home and learn how to make a perfect soufflé.

7. You are on a first date. Who pays the check?
a. Me. Always.
b. Whoever asks, pays. But I’d feel more comfortable paying.
c. We split the check, down to the penny. I brought a calculator.

8. I open doors for women because:
a. It’s a great way to check out her ass.
b. It’s the polite thing to do.
c. I don’t open doors, it’s chauvinistic.

9. You spot an attractive woman on the Metro. She’s wearing sweats and appears to be on her way home from the gym. What do you do?
a. Compliment her on having a great body and inquire about her workout routine.
b. Smile and say hello, but back off if she doesn’t make eye contact or seems uncomfortable.
c. Have an entire imaginary relationship with her over the course of four stops and a transfer, but don’t actually approach her.

10. In your serious relationships, who is the first to say, “I love you”?
a. Her. Almost always.
b. About 50/50 split.
c. Me. Almost always.

11. Quick! What’s the difference between a BMW 318 and a BMW 325?
a. None. Both are total chick magnets.
b. One has a four cylinder engine, the other has six.
c. Seven?

12. Your girl had a bad day at work and starts crying. Do you:
a. Suggest she look for a new job.
b. Feel a bit helpless and embarrassed, but ask her how you can help.
c. Make her some tea and try not to cry yourself.

13. You are going to a fairly upscale restaurant with a date. You hope she’ll wear:
a. A cleavage-baring top and high heels.
b. A little black dress.
c. A t-shirt and jeans.

14. You once got in a fistfight because:
a. A guy looked at me funny.
b. I was defending myself.
c. I’ve never been in a fight.

15. When you think about marriage, your biggest fear is:
a. All those hot chicks you’ll miss out on banging.
b. Marrying the wrong person.
c. That she’ll cheat on you.

Now, tally up your scores.

If you scored mostly a’s, you are a Macho Meathead:
Meatheads embrace that swaggering, ass-kicking alpha male form of masculinity. You’ll punch a guy, then buy him a Scotch. You eat nails for breakfast, and you nail chicks for dinner. You think you’re hot stuff.

Thing is, you’re not. It’s all bluster and overcompensation. True masculinity is a whole lot less showy. Plus, you treat women like dirt. Certain types of women will be attracted to you, but they will mostly be clingy, brainless and neurotic.

The remedy: dial down the testosterone. Develop listening skills, a bit of sensitivity, and don’t get in stupid barfights.

If you scored mostly b’s, you are Masculine:
You’re comfortable being a guy. You don’t itch for a fight, but will defend yourself if attacked. You treat women honorably, but don’t engage in fawning adoration and you don’t idealize them. You can do typical "guy stuff" like change a tire, unclog a drain, or operate a grill. You're a guy's guy who can also pick out a bottle of wine. In short, you are what you should be and therefore appealing to many kinds of women.

Congratulations! You require no remedy.

If you scored mostly c’s, you are a Mouse:
You spent your formative years getting your butt kicked. You pull sensitive wounded artist routines to obtain a pity screw. You’re also the guy whose chief breakup routine is a complete disappearing act. You call AAA for the most minor of problems, you can't grill a steak, and you cry during long distance phone commercials. You really and truly need to grow a pair.

The remedy: You need to go to Man School. Buy a toolkit. Get in a barfight. Toughen up. Sheesh.

DISCLAIMER: This quiz is all in good fun. If you are upset about your results, chill. Freaking because a random chick on the Internet assailed your masculinity is SO not masculine.

And I dare my male readers to post their results, and for readers of both genders to post their analyses.


Anonymous said...

I scored B across the board, except for Question 14. (I got in a fight in school once because I referred to some guy as "mellon-head" and he took offense to it.) I guess I'd count that as an A.

"You require no remedy."

I'm not sure I'd go so far as to say that.

Shannon said...

Well, if the other guy threw the first punch, then your Question 14 answer would be 'B'.

Anonymous said...

So I decided to check out who this chick is posting the feminist stuff on Roissy's blog. And my score: 7 b's, 5 a's, and 3 c's. I guess this means I'm kind of unpredicatble. I did think question one was funny, though, about the drill and the condom - cause you know most guys ARE bringing that condom just in case...

Shannon said...

The rationale behind question 1: I think idly hoping for sex is acceptably masculine, outright assuming you'll get lucky is meathead.

I think Jack probably falls into general "B" category.

Anonymous said...

Well, I'm not a pansy anyway. Are you in DC?

Rob West said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rob West said...

You know what annoys me? When a commercial for a sale at JC Penney says "The more you spend, the more you save!"

Who the hell do they think they're fooling?

The LESS you spend, the more you save. That's what saving is: not spending.

Shannon said...

And, thank you Rob. I think giving serious thoughts to shopping might give you "category c" points.

Anonymous said...

3 a's
9 b's
3 c's

Gotta work on them C's...
#1 - don't own a drill, but I've operated one before, so that's quite fixable, so no worries there :)
#9 - I usually don't approach, so I just gotta sack up and just do it. #11 - I think I need to go to Car School more than anything else, I'm clueless about cars.

Shannon said...

Anonymous, I like that you want to work on your c's but not the a's.

Jack, yeah, I'm in DC. One thing I've noticed about this town is that I meet a lot of swaggering alpha males, and a lot of wusses too. It's rare to meet a guy with the right level of masculinity.

Kristen S. said...

I love this blog...glad the Express printed an excerpt (luckily I'm a web geeky and blogger myself, otherwise I have not idea where "blotspot" goes). I meet a lot fo C's in DC, especially non-natives. The native DC area guys tend to be a little more in the A-B category. I kinda like meatheads, though. :)

Unknown said...

Well I scored a few C's but mostly B's so I guess I'm there. No remedy needed.

Shannon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shannon said...

Kristen, thanks for the complimnet. Yeah, the "Blotspot" thing totally cracked me up. I don't read the Express, so I didn't know I'd been listed until my sitemeter blew up and my friends started to call.

Brandon, congrats on having a suitable level of masculinity.

Anonymous said...

1 A
11 B's
3 C's

Nice quiz... although most meatheads will probably score mostly B's (although they will wear admit to getting any C's..LOL) because they are more secure on an anonymous blog quiz and can be themselves. Out in public and in real life however, out comes the meathead macho persona totally trying to comepensate for other shortcomings.

Anonymous said...

...sorry, that "wear" should have been "never"...not sure where the "wear" came from.... hmmm

Shannon said...

My theory was that guys with a meathead disposition will go for the A's, because they won't realize how inappropriate those behaviors are. A big part of meatheadism is a lack of sensitivity to the feelings of others.

B answers are assertive, but not obnoxious, whereas most of the C options are just kind of sad.

Anonymous said...

You are right, true meatheads won't realize those behaviors are inappropriate and likely won't see anything wrong with any of them. Also, most of those C options are kind of sad. Except for the tampons one...I answered C, what's the big deal? Divorced dad with two daughters. ;-) and C on question 5 because it was just funny.

Shannon said...

Out of curiousity, Jeff, which one did you answer "A"?

The responses I'm getting show that guys are a little embarassed by their C answers, but nobody's mentioning the ones they chose "A" for.

Anonymous said...

Embarrassed by their C answers? If that is true, I think those guys have bigger self-esteem issues than their just their masculinity. I answered A on question #7 about paying on a first date. I would always want to pay on a first date. Any other doesn't matter...first date though, best foot forward. IMHO

Kristen S. said...

(I'm really sorry for all the typos...maybe I'm one of those dumb, insecure chicks that likes meatheads!! ACK!)

Anonymous said...

It agree, it is an amusing phrase

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