Hey folks, on the personal news front: Skye is on her way to LA, she is safe and happy. Matt left on Sunday, we are no longer dating but are going to stay friends. He’s in Miami right now and heads to Bogota on Wednesday.

7th Heaven, “Smoking”, Airdate 2.03.03

Smoking is bad. It’s worse than premarital sex, murder, or devil worship.

The weather forecast in Glenoak called for a rain of anvils last night, as every character finds out that it’s Evil to Smoke. This episode made my brain hurt.

Ruthie and her boyfriend, Teeth-to-Spare, go see a movie where all the characters smoke. Ruthie walks out of the film and delivers a PSA about how Smoking is Evil and Movie Characters Smoke so Children Will Smoke. Teeth-to-Spare says that he smokes (gasp!). But don’t worry, he quits smoking at 8:53. So don’t smoke, kids, or you’ll have to date Ruthie.

Creepy Kevin’s brother, Brain-Dead Ben, asks Kevin to come meet his new girlfriend Betty. Betty has even more teeth than Ruthie’s boyfriend, and sort of looks like she swallowed a box of Chiclets in an adolescent prank. Betty leaves a cigarette in an ashtray and burns down her house. So don’t smoke, kids, it will make you dumber than Ben.

Chandler’s Evil Twin (played by the actor’s real-life twin) blows into town on his motorcycle. He has sleeveless shirts, a leather jacket, tattoos, and smokes cigarettes. The best part, though, is that the ex-junkie rebel brother is named…Sid! All fear Sid! So, kids, don’t smoke, it will give you yellow teeth, a lameass name, and poor fashion sense.

Evil Sid takes Lucy out for dinner to make Kevin jealous (I should have a macro for “to make _____ jealous”). Kevin doesn’t care, because he’s taken up cigarettes to cope with the Stress of Asking Lucy to Marry Him. Lucy finds out that he’s been smoking and decides it’s because she’s been pressuring Kevin to get engaged. Well, for once I feel bad for Lucy: you don’t tell your girlfriend that you want to get married, then drag your ass for six months with no ring. That’s just mean and inconsiderate. Anyways, Lucy proposes a deal where he doesn’t have to ask her yet, and in exchange she will stop acting crazy about it. How that is a compromise, and not just letting Kevin completely off the hook, is totally over my head. So, kids, don’t smoke, or you’ll have to marry Lucy.

Finally, Chandler finds out that Sid is in town because their estranged dad is dying. Three guesses what he is dying of (lung cancer, lung cancer, and lung cancer). Chandler sobs in the arms of Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard and bitches about how his dad cut him off when he decided to go into the ministry. Oh, poor widdle adult, having to pay his own expenses! The Reverend says something inspirational and gives him a pamphlet, most likely called You and Your Lung Cancer. So, kids, don’t smoke, or you’ll get lung cancer and your children will date sex-crazed, woefully miscast harpies.

Here endeth the lesson.

Intentional humor: 2 Unintentional humor: 9 Preachiness: 86 Emotional trauma: 4 Histrionics: 11

Joe Millionaire, Episode 5, Airdate 2.03.03

Blah blah blah, shoveling dirt, montage of Mojo’s glitter eyeshadow, ho hum, Christ these are the longest credits ever….oh wait, HERE’s the credits, and yup, they’re still going on…I hate filler.

Once the filler ends, Paul the Butler tells us that each of the remaining girls is going on an overnight date. Melissa is taken to Cannes, where the two of them mangle French (the word Cannes was NEVER meant to be twanged). But that’s not enough for Melissa: she must mangle English as well. I had never before knew that the sun “setted.” Har. Melissa and Evan go out for a schmancy dinner, where Melissa wears such a low-cut dress that her pups keep escaping from their kennel. Melissa puts out.

Evan takes Zora to Tuscany, where he wins the Freudian Slip prize: he asks Zora if she got that “breast” in Paris. Zora laughs and says she is wearing a “dress.” I like her, she’s a good sport. They go swimming and Zora doesn’t put out. The next morning, she tells him she had a dream that he was two people. Evan looks uncomfortable, because Zora is SO onto him.

Evan’s last date is with Sarah, and he takes her to Nice. She tries to talk him into climbing a tree for her, but he won’t do it. Wimp. (Confidential to Sarah: Mike West has offered to climb a tree for you anytime you want.) They have another fancy dinner, and Sarah puts out.

The next night, in a mighty battle, Evan’s conscience finally subdues his penis. He realizes that he’s doing a terrible thing by lying to these women. He tells a producer that the lie is “eating his brain out”, which I imagine would make for a pretty light snack.

This week’s Assboot goes to Melissa, while Sarah and Zora get diamond necklaces. Zora gets one because she didn’t put out, and Sarah gets one because she did a better job of putting out than Melissa. Melissa attempts to be a good sport, by hugging Evan, saying goodbye to the girls, and asking to see their “pretty pendants.” However, she comes across as shrill and pathetic. It’s pretty bad: Mojomouth left with more dignity.