7th Heaven, “High Anxiety”, Airdate 2.24.03

God, this episode ticked me off. Shall we begin?

Lucy decided to drop out of school because she was too busy planning her wedding to Creepy Kevin to study. Not only does Kevin refuse to actually help her plan the wedding, he threatens to break off the engagement if she quits school. See, while he wants to control and manipulate her, he doesn’t want to stand in the way of her dreams. I don’t get how her grades could drop so far in just two weeks. I knew a guy in college who stayed up all night watching porno screen savers and never attending class, and it took him more than two months to nuke his grades. Kevin and Lucy are going to live in the garage apartment when they return from their honeymoon, because there is nothing better for a new marriage than to live with your creepy, intrusive parents. Lucy decides to stay in school after all, because school can’t really be that hard: this is the first time we’ve seen her study all year.

Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard’s father, also a Woefully Miscast Police Officer, guns down a convenience store robber. The robber had been the prime suspect in the murder of Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard’s mother, proving now and forever that Glenoak has the most inept police force ever. A murder suspect spends ten years in a small town, knocking over convenience stores, and no one ever catches him? Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard and Chandler argue about the death penalty, although the only death sentence that should have been served in the episode was to Chandler’s outfit: jeans, blazer and a tie. If Chandler is smart enough to have a doctorate at 23, he’s smart enough to know that outfit makes him look like a total frat boy tool.

In case anyone was wondering, Sex is Still Evil. We are treated to a scene where Simon and the Poddlers stare at Neck-of-Steel Cecilia because she’s “beeeeyoooootiful.” Cecilia decides she is terrified of sex, which is hilarious considering she was the one who bought the condoms in their last Sex is Evil episode. All of the sudden she’s all inhibited and frightened? Plus, I’d like, just once, for a guy on this show to have apprehension about sex. It’s always “boys want sex, it’s up to the girls to stop them.”

Ruthie and Brain-Dead Ben go to the Promenade and Ruthie tries to find Ben a new girlfriend. Ruthie drags a lovely girl named Jill over to their table. Jill finds out that they are not on Candid Camera after all, and runs away screaming. As we find out at 8:53, Ruthie is intent on stopping Ben from getting back together with Mary, who has left Ben a plane ticket to Florida. Ruthie spends the whole episode saying, “I love Mary, but she’s….” Beware of anyone who says “I love you, but…” because if there are strings attached, they don’t really love you. I hate Ruthie.

Eric and Annie decide the Token Black Minister Couple, Morgan and Patricia, are having marital problems. They lock the lovely couple in the garage apartment, which is what I had been hoping they would do with Kevin. And Ben, and Roxanne, and Chandler…hell, let’s get rid of the whole cast except Jill. She rocks.

Intentional humor: 4 Unintentional humor: 8 Preachiness: 6 Histrionics: 4 Items thrown at television: 12

Joe Millionaire, “The Aftermath”, Airdate 2.24.03

Also known as the “I Abhora Zora” show. If there had been a little less Little Miss Perfect, and some hint that Sarah even exists, this episode would have been a real treat. We also see that the Fox Network Hyperbole Division has been working overtime, as announcers proclaim that “America was on the edge of its seat” and the “Twist that Shocked America.”

We begin by watching the Anguished Eighteen watch the finale. My girl Alison yells, “Paul is the real Millionaire!” Everyone cheers when Zora wins and tries not to look wistful when they get a million dollars. And, to their credit, they refuse to make fun of Zora’s 1993 Prom Revival outfit. Most likely, it’s because Mojo is wearing a delightful cowboy-theme corset.

Mojo, Alison and Melissa conduct man-on-the-street interviews, because apparently we care what America thinks. I was a pollster long enough to realize that I couldn’t care less what America thinks, so we’ll just skip that section.

We get a lovely Paul the Butler sequence, where he details the demanding behavior of the Anguished Eighteen. We also get the chateau’s French chef bitching about how the women drink Bordeaux with a Coke chaser.

Next, we see Evan’s audition video: the interviewer asks him his name, age, hometown and occupation, and he responds, “whuh?” Best. Scene. Ever. We also get endless footage of women calling Evan charming, which is hilarious considering he’s a meathead mouth-breather whose knuckles practically drag on the ground. Seriously, maybe he’s just not my type, but I just don’t get how Evan is so hot. Can someone explain?

Finally, we get the long-awaited reunion of Evan and Zora. Evan is interviewed first, and talks about how Zora was the nicest girl and most likely to accept him for who he is. Notice he never says he liked her best. Zora is interviewed, and she is perfect and sweet and wants to help her family in Serbia. I bet she was a total tattletale goody-two-shoes in school. The two are reunited, and Zora kisses with even less passion than is usually reserved for a drunk uncle at a wedding reception. They sit about a mile apart in a chemistry-free lump while declaring their love for one another. While I’m sort of glad these two brain-dead lunks have found each other, they may be the most doomed reality-show couple ever.

Still no sign of the Disappearing Host, Alex McLeod. This week’s Conspiracy Theory Winner is Mike West, who posits that Alex was cryogenically frozen and only partially thawed before she was permitted to appear on television. As her lips were too frozen to say anything more than, “I’ll just go get Evan,” her lines were given to Paul.

The episode ends with a romantic shot of Evan and Zora strolling through the woods. Well, it would be romantic if Zora didn’t walk like a truck driver with a hip ailment. Lumber, stomp, lumber, lurch. Lumber, stomp, lumber, lurch. Beautiful.

And everyone lived moronically ever after. The end.