Special thanks to Mike, Laura and Kyle for admiring me in my MoJo outfit (cocktail dress, glitter eyeshadow and a sombrero purchased at South of the Border).

No 7th Heaven this week, because I don’t know how to work my VCR. Lucy plans her wedding, her mom takes over. Blah - wedding planning is dull enough in real life without devoting TV time to it.

Joe Millionaire, Airdate 2.17.03:

Stupid blizzard. Stupid show. Stupid Evan.

Every American, their dogs, various immigrants and the California Raisins tuned in for Evan’s Big Choice. But first, we were treated to an hour-long clip show of the Scorned Women.

Ancient Heidi is still annoying and evil and talks out of one side of her mouth due to bargain-basement Botox. We meet her boyfriend, whose haircut makes mullets appear tasteful. Heidi frolics around a stripper pole to regain her lost sex appeal (discarded sometime around the Renaissance).

Mojomouth still wears silly hats and rides a mechanical bull in seductive slo-mo. America snickers.

Dayana, the one who wore spike heels to muck out stalls, is still calling herself a princess. Seriously, is the high-maintenance girly-girl stuff appealing? If so, I’m gonna try that so I never have to do anything for myself again. Dayana frolics in hot pants and roller skates while her dad watches with deep affection. America showers.

Other scorned women get their last chance at media whoredom. America snores until one (Amanda), points out that Evan was picking women based on boob size. I’d always thought he was pulling a Sean Kenniff alphabet system as well. He started by eliminating the A cups, then the B cups, until we were left with an assortment of Barbie dolls.

The actual hour of programming begins, setting off the montage of “How Much Filler Can America Stand?” Answer: 1 hour, 47 minutes including commercials. When you start perking up at the stupid Wrangler commercial with the bison, you’ve got problems.

We learn more about Sarah. Sarah drives a convertible, wears tube tops, stars in fetish videos, smokes and snickers inappropriately. She's evil.

We learn more about Zora. Zora was going to hock her jewelry to help a sick aunt in Lithuania, works with the elderly, loves puppies and kittens and uses her stove to heat her apartment. I hate Zora now, what an insufferable goody-goody. I’d rather drink Cosmos with Sarah any day of the week.

Evan picks Zora, and tells her the truth. She is dumbstruck in a nice, pretty way. Evan asks Zora to meet him in the ballroom if she would like to “continue the journey”. I announce that every time someone says “journey”, we should all drink. Then I remember that I’m out of beer. Stupid blizzard.

Evan tells Sarah he’s poor, and that he didn’t pick her. Sarah purses her lips, tries to sound nice, and icily hugs him. Mercenary Melissa comes to help her pack, and they whisper about What Happened in the Woods. Sarah mimes something with a sock that my 10th grade health teacher and Oprah would have said definitely counts as sex. Yuck.

Before we get to the Big Twist, I would like to thank the loyal readers who sent in conspiracy theories. Skye Stamey insisted that Zora is a lesbian, because, why not? Dave Walker posited that Zora is secretly a millionaire. Stephanie Wacknov suggested that Zora is a pre-op transsexual because she walks like a water buffalo, has a cleft chin, won’t be seen in a bathing suit, and won’t let Evan touch her.

We are treated to interminable minutes of Evan standing alone in a ballroom as the Big Twist is revealed. Zora arrives in the doorway, wearing a bright blue, bunchy dress that makes her look like Technicolor seaweed. She’s also got 80s mall hair. She tells Evan that she is angry that he lied, but she was actually put off by his money and wishes to continue the journey (drink!).

Paul says that because they chose love over money, they will receive one million dollars. That’s it? That’s the frickin’ twist? What the hell?

Actually, the surprising part about this episode is that there was no mention of Alex McLeod, the Invisible Host. So I’ll take conspiracy theory submissions this week and publish them along with my recap of “Joe Millionaire: the Aftermath.”

Current theories:
1. She’s pregnant
2. Focus groups preferred Paul
3. She is an evil robot
4. Everyone ignored her and she became invisible, like that episode of Buffy
5. She’s dead and has been reanimated by Fox for special appearances