Tuesday, February 11, 2003

FYI: Skye can be visited at her site I'm adjusting to my second week of singleness with a preponderance of chocolate and a minimum of self-evaluation. It's not a permanent strategy, but I've never been one for long-term planning (as my resume can attest).

7th Heaven "Lucy, My Love", Airdate 02/10/03

I hate this stupid show. And I'm newly single, so anything Valentine's Day-related makes me ill. The 7th Heaven Valentine episode was truly the worst of both worlds. I spent most of the episode under my futon, puking a rainbow of fruit flavors and simpering.

We begin with a Lucy Nightmare (funny how well those two words go together). She's having a romantic dinner with Kevin, and Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard swoops in and steals her man. Lucy screams and awakes to find her entire family staring at her. God, these people creep me out. Kevin left her a dress to wear that night. Not only does Kevin select her friends, he now picks out her clothing. Lucy will never have to think again! That Kevin sure is one hell of a catch. He's tall, and has not one, but TWO facial expressions!

Kevin arranges an elaborate proposal featuring Jazz Legend Bobby Short and cornrow legend Bo Derek (who is only ranked third in guest star credits). We know it's Jazz Legend Bobby Short because Lucy walks in and says, "Is that Jazz Legend Bobby Short"? I wish she'd come in and said, "Is that Kid Rock?", just to mess with America. The entire Camden clan is in attendance, because there is nothing more romantic than getting engaged in front of the drooling Poddlers, your parents, your siblings, and their dates. Oh, and Kevin has been hiding the fact that he's wealthy, which is no surprise to anyone because he also hid a previous marriage from Lucy. What a prize. Every girl dreams of her very own neanderthal reverse Joe Millionaire.

In Subplot Purgatory, Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard wore a dress I can only describe as Disco Infernal. She and Chandler go to the same hotel as Kevin and Lucy, she throws herself at Chandler, they almost get engaged, and she and Lucy have a catfight in the ladies' room. Yeah, I didn't care, either.

The Reverend and Annie have a romantic evening, which is hilarious because they've been sniping at each other all season. They snuggle, fully clothed, in a hotel bed. Ruthie and Teeth-to-Spare kiss, prompting me to wonder if he can discharge his teeth like a porcupine's spines. Creepy Kevin's brother, Brain-Dead Ben, makes out with Teeth-to-Spare's mother. It's the Poddlers' birthday, but Annie says that "Nobody cares about a birthday party with the boys." Was she speaking for the viewers? Oh, and squeaky Neck-of-Steel Cecilia baby talks to Simon, causing dogs to bark all over Glenoak.

I hate this show.

Intentional humor: 2 Unintentional humor: 12 Preachiness: 5 Emotional trauma: 2 Histrionics: 9

New category. Number of items I threw at the television: 16 (a new record!)

Joe Millionaire, Airdate 02/10/03

This was one long (Lord how long...) clip show. So, previously on Joe Millionaire: God said, "Let there be light." An ark was constructed. Lot's wife became a pillar of salt. The Roman Empire. The Crusades. The Renaissance. Invention of the television. Invention of Joe Millionaire. Twenty women awkwardly dancing with Evan. Twelve women picking grapes. Five women in Paris. Four women. Three women. Two women! Liftoff!

Except not really. Both women go on walks in the woods with Evan. Sarah and Zora talk to the camera. I balance my checkbook. Zora does yoga. I do my taxes. Evan talks to the camera. I clean out the closets. Paul sits by the fireplace. I clip my toenails. Alex McLeod, the ostensible host of the show, is wheeled out to give her weekly 20-second spiel. I perk up momentarily, because it's Alex McLeod, then I realize it's only her evil robot twin, so I pluck my eyebrows.

The only fun part was the clip of Sarah's tango lesson, which is SO much funnier now that we know she does foot fetish and bondage films. Evan buys her a corset with "laces up the top" and "strappy shoes" because she's "really into shoes." Evan says Sarah is "easygoing", but I'll only believe the first two syllables.

Oh, and the Freudian Slip of the Week prize goes to Zora. She says that Evan may choose Sarah because "She's convenient...geographical proximity!" The episode ends with Evan saying something to somebody, but nobody gets picked. Don't worry, Mike is writing a mean letter to Fox in the morning.

Paul ends the episode by saying there's a twist to the game and the rumors are true. My top ten rumors, some I've heard and some I've made up:

1. Evan really IS a millionaire
2. Paul is really the millionaire
3. Sarah/Zora is a millionaire
4. The winner will be offered a million dollars to dump Evan
5. Alex McLeod is an evil robot
6. Evan is an actor, and the whole thing is scripted
7. The cast will be put in a cage with the animals from When Animals Attack.
8. Evan has opposable thumbs.
9. Sarah's boobs are real.
10. Evan will be offered a million dollars to dump the woman he's chosen.

Got a conspiracy theory? Email me at slstamey@hotmail.com, and I'll add it to next week's review.

Next week: the Anguished Eighteen find out that Evan is poor and snipe behind his back. Evan picks somebody and owns up to the truth. America sits on the edge of its seat.

Finally, it's a shame hat-loving Mojomouth didn't win, because she could have bought her wedding dress from this site. Bridal cowboy hats, with veils!

Hazel's Western Weddings

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