7th Heaven, “It’s Not Always About You”, Airdate 1.27.03

Last week’s Very Special Episode was about cystic fibrosis, so this week the socially relevant folks at 7th Heaven offer a Very Special Episode about…jury duty. Guest-starring Jackee. The episode title is repeated 14 times in the episode, a new record.

Lucy is summoned for jury duty, but snits right and left about how she doesn’t have time because she’s a student. That cracked me up to no end, it’s been at least 3 seasons since Lucy has attended a class or even left the house. Our beloved Jackee puts the smack down on her, and Creepy Kevin does as well. I actually liked Creepy Kevin here: if your boyfriend is a cop, you should see the point of jury duty. Lucy continues the banshee wail until she is summoned for a jury pool and the defendant is…Jimmy Moon! Longtime readers will remember Jimmy as Lucy’s first boyfriend. Not Rod, he was the one with the scooter. Jimmy Moon was the marijuana Informer. (I was going to do some Snow lyrics here, but I haven’t the faintest clue what they are. Insert Canadian rap-babbling here.) Lucy realizes, you guessed it, that it’s not always about her. And hopefully goes out for some new clothes, because her Audrey Hepburn by way of Pat Benatar outfit was killing me.

Simon and Neck-of-Steel Cecilia are still working as school janitors, but Cecilia won’t date him. He keeps asking if it’s her dad, or if it’s something he did, or if he can please return to the Bible Brit Pop look. Eventually (good Lord, eventually!), Cecilia’s dad tells him to talk to Cecilia and see how she feels, because it’s Not Always About You. Cecilia agrees to date Simon again, if she can date other people and he has to stay committed to her. Simon agrees to it without actually understanding what he agreed to. But, apparently, it’s Not Always About Simon.

In the funniest plot of the evening, a homeless vagrant nicks Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard with a knife. She blandly shouts, “Ow!” as Kevin subdues the hardened criminal and calls for backup. “Officer down!” he hollers, ignoring the fact that Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard is standing right next to him, smoothing her hair and attempting to look like she’s in pain.

This plot means that we get treated to more of the Chandler/Roxanne romance. He arrives in a panic at the hospital (wearing a blazer and jeans, a look even tackier than a man in sandals). Blinking rapidly and with feeling, he tells Roxanne he wants to date her with the intention of marrying her. Sort of an Engagement for Dummies. They’ve only been dating for two weeks, by the way.

The Reverend and Annie’s marital problems invade the episode, set fire to the huts, steal the women, and rape the goats. As Ruthie is not given a plot of her own, she starts giving her parents marital advice. It totally gives me the creeps that a 12-year-old is the voice of reason on the show. But I cracked up when she suggested the whole family go to Eric’s therapy, because they “all have issues.” At the end, the three of them realize it’s Not Always About Them and share a strawberry shortcake.

Intentional humor: 6 (Jackee!) Unintentional humor: 7 Preachiness: 6 Emotional trauma: 5 Histrionics: 9
Joe Millionaire, Episode 4, Airdate 1.27.03

Four women remain at the chateau, as we find out during the opening montage (yup, Evan can still shovel dirt), opening credits, and introduction from Paul the Butler. Each woman gets a one-on-one date with Evan.

Sarah and Evan go on a bike ride to a winery, where they pretend to be tasting wine but really just pour the stuff down their throats. After a few bottles, they start making out at the table. Classy. The lovebirds return to the chateau, sneak off into the woods, and hide from the cameras. Fox kindly provides subtitling from their wooded grotto: “Would it be better if we lie down?……mmm..shhhhhhhh…..(slurp)…(gulp!)….mmm!….ohhhh!” It makes my job so much harder when the show makes fun of itself. Sarah returns to the chateau, walking funny, and tells the other girls that she and Evan “kissed.” Fox has now made me nostalgic for the halcyon days of Celebrity Boxing.

Melissa gets the lamest date ever: Evan picks her up in sweatpants and takes her down to the kitchen to cook dinner. Princess Melissa has never cooked in her life, so the two of them burn all the food and stare at one another glumly across the dinner table. The date is even boring me until Melissa gives the Greatest Freudian Slip of All Time. Evan asks her what she would do with the money, and she says she would provide immunizations in third world countries and help the poor because she is a “mercenary” kind of person. Evan doesn’t realize she meant to say “missionary” and looks at her in thunderstruck, affectionate awe. I suppose he wanted to get in the “mercenary” position with her later.

Here’s my question: does Evan take Melissa on the lame dates because he doesn’t really like her, or does he take her on lame dates because he likes her so much he feels that he doesn’t have to impress her? Discuss.

Evan takes Zora for a walk, then for a horseback ride. They have a romantic picnic in the woods, the birds are chirping, and the squirrels frolic. Seriously…Fox added footage of squirrels. The two of them get ready to get in the reality show staple, the hot tub. However, the other girls come home and hop in the hot tub as well. Zora classily gets the hell out of there. I really hope Zora doesn’t win, she’s too nice for Neanderthal Evan.

Evan’s last date is with Mojomouth. He takes her for a fencing lesson, which she proclaims is “something I’d never imagine I’d do!” Jesus, I’m sure even Indianapolis has a YMCA. Mojomouth puts on an ornate Zorro costume, which somehow manages to be the most tasteful thing she’s worn on the show. I love a woman who is 35, says she is 25, and dresses 15. Afterwards, the two of them go back to the chateau and she gives him a gift she made before she even arrived. Her “gift” is nothing like Sarah’s, so get your mind out of the gutter. Mojomouth presents Evan with a poem she wrote herself and a jigsaw puzzle. When the puzzle is put together, it forms a picture of Mojomouth in skimpy redneck-wear, with a sign that says “I Choose You!”

The day of the Guillotine arrives, and (shockingly!) Mojomouth is eliminated. Farewell, Mojomouth. I will miss your glitter eyeshadow and outfits from Hit or Miss (which were mostly misses). The three remaining women fondle their jewels (ew, I mean rubies) and claim they miss her.

Next week: more hot-tub hijinks, this time in the Riviera.