Tuesday, January 14, 2003

Two items of news: 1. I found a temp assignment as a secretary for the American Geophysicists Union. It's even more thrilling than it sounds. 2. This week's 7th Heaven was a repeat (the one with the blacklight puppet troupe), so we'll go straight to Joe Millioniare.

Joe Millionaire, Episode 2, Airdate 1.13.03

We begin with the same dramatic opening montage as the pilot, with Evan poetically shoveling dirt then learning to suck wine through his teeth. I settle in, thinking the montage serves as the opening credits. Four minutes later, I see credits on the screen. Two minutes after that, we go to commercial. Four minutes after THAT, the episode begins. This show has more filler than a building full of jelly donuts.

The remaining twelve women are divided into three groups. The first group goes to a vineyard...to pick grapes in the rain. The second group goes to a picturesque train station...to shovel coal. The third group goes to a horse farm...to muck out stalls. In case the Fox viewing public (whose collective intellectualism makes possible things like "When Animals Attack") doesn't get it, Evan explains that he is testing them to see if they are strong enough to be with a construction worker. I don't get it - I don't make my boyfriend do dishes when he comes over, and I certainly would not have had him muck out stalls on our first date. Then again, perhaps that is why I am not on television.

Each date has the requisite drama queen: Melissa tells the girls to pick grapes faster because she's cold, Melissa Jo "MoJo" dominates the conversation on the train, and Heidi pitches a fit and demands that Evan rescue her from her runaway horse. The horse had moved ten feet from the herd and moved its head slightly. I once fell off a horse doing a full gallop and I whined less than Heidi did.

Back at the chateau, the girls discover that Heidi has a boyfriend (GASP!). They all insist she be disqualified, which doesn't matter because Evan doesn't pick her anyway. This time, the 5 girls who stay are given sapphires. During the selection scene, Heidi grabs each girl by the neck and appraises the jewelry. The five survivors:

1. Melissa: she whines a lot, but she's got curly hair and she's funny. Mike, who is my guy expert for the show, wants her to win.
2. Mojo, henceforth known as MojoMouth.
3. Allison, who said little but is a very pretty cinnamon redhead. Evan told the cameras that she was chosen because she is "hot".
4. Zora, a substitute teacher who is downright cool - she even likes horses.
5. Shoot. Somebody else. I didn't know why Evan picked her. Oh, wait, I do. According to Guy Expert, "boobs."

Next week: Evan takes the girls on individual fantasy dates in Paris. I would laugh my ass off if he made them wear berets with their names on them, like in National Lampoon's European Vacation.

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