Tuesday, January 07, 2003

Well, as some of you may have heard, I'm unemployed. Again. A meeting with the boss at 3 pm on a Friday is the corporate Sword of Damocles. I've joined the ranks of the laid off, as opposed to the last time I drank cheap wine and temped, which was entirely voluntary. So, if you'd like your local snarkbitch to grow up and get a real job, please send suggestions to mybrilcareer@yahoo.com. Current career plans include...well, I have no plans.

And, now to the real reason y'all check out my website (plus a special Joe Millionaire recap!). Special thanks to Mike West for watching with me.

7th Heaven, "Sunday", airdate 1.06.02

There are two morals to tonight's episode: sex is bad, and bad sex exists because people don't rest on Sundays. (In the non-Camden universe, that dilemma is resolved by resting when the wife's innards are molting. But I digress). Despite the winning topic of sex, this was the most boring episode ever.

Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard shows up for church in an outfit that makes her look like a 3rd grade teacher. Except with boobs. Chandler is smitten, and they go on their first date. Judging by Chandler's facial expressions, as well as how he is framed in the camera, a crew member is charged with placing unsavory objects in unsavory Chandler places whenever he has dialogue. On this (first!) date, Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard asks Chandler if he's a virgin. She also kisses him and more or less volunteers to hoist her peasant skirt over her head and initiate him in the ways of.....ugh, I just grossed myself out.

To continue the gross, Simon and Neck-of-Steel Cecilia make the mature decision to have sex. They talk about it, they buy condoms, and to prove they are mature enough to DIE, they tell their parents. Together, family-meeting style. "So, Mom, I'm doing really well in algebra, and I thought I'd lose my virginity to a woman with no neck." "That's nice honey, would you like a 7-Up?"

And in a symbolic moment, Ruthie and her new boyfriend, Teeth-to-Spare, construct a volcano that erupts. Ick, Ruthie is 12 and far too young for metaphor.

The Reverend writes a racy novel (the actor who portrays the Reverend writes novels). I love it when bad art imitates bad life imitating bad art.

The writers decided to make Kevin redeemable by making Lucy even more of a harpy than she had ever been. She spends all day after church running around howling and shrieking. At the end of the episode, she gives a sermon about how Sundays are too hurried now and it's a day to run errands, and that's why she has been so cranky. No, Lucy, it's called sociopathy. Look into it.

Intentional humor: 6 Unintentional humor: 3 (a new low!) Preachiness: 8 Emotional trauma: 10 Histrionics: 6

Joe Millionaire, Episode 1, Airdate 1.06.02

Now, I'm sure you're asking yourself: how low will people stoop to get on TV? Answer below*.

Joe Millionaire would be the coolest show ever if it was only half an hour long, and the women were allowed to strap on American Gladiators gear and pummel one another. It is the story of a man named Evan with 50 million dollars, and 20 women to choose from. Except that he's really a construction worker, and will therefore soon enough have zero women. But, despite the fact that he's looking for his dream woman in a contrived setting, inside of a lie, he seems nice. We meet Evan learning how to be sophisticated, and developing fine qualities like sucking wine through his teeth and riding a horse. Not at the same time, however, which would make things fun.

Tonight the women toured the chateau, and Evan selects 12 to remain with him. The clear villain talks out of one side of her mouth (to better use both of her faces). The clear victor (the one with the brunette ringlets) smiles a lot and doesn't mention the money. The other women are mere mattress fodder for Evan Dumber Than the Bachelor. The real victor, however, is Phyllis Schafly. Tune in next week for individual personalities and lots of hair-pulling!

*Next week: the girls muck stalls.

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