Today y'all get a double serving of snark: 7th Heaven, Joe Millionaire. Later, I'll include a special recap of Sunday's Bridal Expo. I bought 3 brides. I never get tired of that joke.

7th Heaven, "Back in the Saddle", Airdate 01/20/03

Also known as "The Beauty of 8:53." Ruthie meets this week's never-to-be-seen-again Tertiary Friend in Need, played by Mackenzie Rosman's real life half sister. Somehow, the fact that this young girl has CF manages to be not in the least compelling, for several reasons: 1. As with all ill people in the Camden Universe, she is perfectly sweet, inspirational and optimistic. 2. Chelsea Clinton made a more attractive preteen 3. The braces, oh God the braces and the lisp they cause. You think Mackenzie would have bought her some Invisalign. At 8:53 pm, Ruthie and CF girl go horseback riding and all is right in the world.

However, a chronically ill girl is not the center of the episode. Surprisingly enough, the theme is jealousy. What's that dripping out of my mouth? Could it be sarcasm? Let me grab a napkin real quick...ok, we're back. Long-lost Cheryl returns. Cheryl dated both Robbie (who is still nowhere to be found) and Matt, and has had "adult relations" with Robbie but not Matt. She stops by Chandler's office, sending Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard into a fit of jealousy. She storms out, and has the most hilarious heart-to-heart with Lucy: "I'm crazy, I have low self-esteem, oh God I'm YOU!" Kevin has a "women are crazy and have PMS" heart-to-heart with Chandler, Chandler and Roxanne reconcile, and the four of them meet for pizza with Cheryl and her boyfriend...at 8:53.

Also, Eric sees a therapist, who tells him to get off his fool ass and stop feeling sorry for himself. I swear the writers have been to my site, because I think I wrote that scene two recaps ago. The therapist stops by the Camden home at the end of the episode and explains that he was mean because he's getting divorced. Sure, but the Reverend still needs to get off his fool ass. In case anyone's keeping score, this happened at 8:53.

Finally, Simon tries to win back Cecilia after he tried to make love with her up in his bedroom. He got up to wash his face (and tell their parents that they wanted to have sex) when he came back someone had taken his place (the other boys Cecilia is actually allowed to date). Cecilia's dad comes by the house and tells Simon he prefers him to the other boys Cecilia goes out with. And 8:53 draws to a close. Ah, Camden Voltron.

Other notes: the Poddlers don't say anything, horrid Renaissance Faire bell-sleeve clothing abounds, and Simon now sports a brunette, slicked-back, thick eyebrow Eddie Munster look. So much for Bible Brit Pop.

Intentional humor: 7 Unintentional humor: 9 Preachiness: 7 Emotional trauma: 6 Histrionics: 8

Joe Millionaire, Episode 3, Airdate 1.20.03


Evan takes the girls to Paris, home of amour, and whittles the field from 5 to 4. And good God, is it a bore. And heavens, Mojomouth is a whore.

However, the opening sequence/credits/whatever have been whittled from 5 minutes to 4 minutes, so perhaps that is a theme. At the very least, it's a relief.

Evan takes Mojomouth out for dinner and to the Moulin Rouge. He gives her several lovely dresses, and cheers when she selects the dress that her boobs keep falling out of. Of course, she's falling out of the dress because she's easily 10 years older than she claims to be ("25" must be only in dog years). She tops the awesome dress with the most godawful hat I've ever seen, a wide-brimmed monstrosity with sort of a bolero effect around the trim. She wears the hat to both dinner and the club. Evan rightfully declares the hat to be hateful and grimaces every time she smacks him upside the head with it.

Melissa is treated to an afternoon at the Eiffel Tower and a cocktail. Evan presents her with a portrait of herself that captures all of her teeth and none of her charm. Allison rightfully notes that Melissa wouldn't hang a painting of herself in her living room, and that it's a damn idiotic gift.

Sarah (the one whose name I forgot last time) is treated to tango lessons. Evan has a tango outfit for her too, of the hoochie bustier variety. Sarah chokes down the last of her self-esteem and pours herself into it. Evan raises the red lantern and kisses her good night, which Sarah promptly gloats about to the other girls.

Evan takes Allison for a boat cruise down the picturesquely polluted Seine. First they have to cook foie gras together, and Evan finds out that it's liver. He gasps and refuses to eat. Allison looks horrified. But once the wine kicks in, so does the conversation, and they have a nice time.

Finally, Zora gets dinner at a bistro and Evan digs out his crowbar. He asks her about her family and she refuses to tell him anything. Evan says his family is perfect. Zora turns stark white. Evan gets peeved that she won't open up. What a twerp. She's already implied her family's poor, and clearly there's some other stuff going on. Shut up, Evan. She'll say something when she's ready, and not on TV. I really hated Evan here. Some guys don't know when to call off the chase.

However, I do like Evan overall. I'd never date him in a million years (far too tall, none too bright), but he's such a guy it cracks me up. He describes Sarah as having a "hot little rocket body", and asks the cameraman to zoom in on a guy with a "Parisian mullet." And he clearly dislikes Mojomouth as much as I do.

Paul the Butler takes everyone to the guillotine ceremony, where 4 will be given emeralds and 1 will be given a boot in the ass. Mike and I thought this week's Assboot would go to Mojomouth or Zora. Zora clearly thought she was next to go, because she was wearing a turtleneck, which isn't conducive to putting on a necklace. However, the Assboot came as a surprise....Allison! Evan thinks she'd like a more sophisticated guy. Truthfully, I think he wanted to get rid of Mojomouth, but thought she was more likely to put out than Allison.

Next week: Back at the chateau. Hot tubs, rubies and catfights, oh my!