I’m ENGAGED!!!!!!
As many of you know, Matt and I were seeing each other last year while he was in Washington for Foreign Service Officer training. He'd prove his love by sitting through 7th Heaven episodes with me.
He left for his post in Bogota, Colombia, in February, and we tried to take time apart. I dated some good guys and a few dinks, but none of them were anything like Matt. He dated a few bimbos that I am forever going to giggle about. We talked things over when he arrived on Wednesday, and we officially got engaged on Friday, July 18.
Because of Matt’s career, the entire thing is going to be untraditional and out-of-order. That’s the fun part. He’s back in Bogota, and will give me a ring next time we see each other (we all know how picky I am, so points for Matt for getting my input first). That'll be Labor Day weekend, in Los Angeles. We’ll have a courthouse wedding, most likely in Washington at the end of the year. The State Department will need a a month or so to process me once we have a marriage license. Then I pack for Bogota, most likely in February. Our honeymoon will be the Galapagos Islands in the spring. (In honor of Darwin, we’re going to push the weaker passengers off the boat.) We’ll be in Bogota for a year, where I will either work for the Embassy or attempt to pick up some freelance work. We don’t know yet where we’ll live after Bogota. We return to the U.S. in February 2005 for a small church celebration in Alabama. So, engagement then ring then marriage then moving in together then honeymoon, and last of all, the wedding. Awesome.
So, since the TV season hasn't started up yet, I'll regale y'all with marriage polls.
Lots of love to you all,
Shannon
PS - I chose "freaks"
Tuesday, July 22, 2003
Monday, July 07, 2003
The Laws of Deception
After weeks of only slightly bad offerings from the WB Weekend Cinema, our local affiliate came up with two doozies in one weekend. First, For Love Alone, which is sort of a biography of Ivana Trump and mainly an excuse for Rev. Camden (Stephen Collins) to get naked with the Ivana-be Astar. However, repeated Reverend Camden quivering-lip sex scenes at 11 on a Sunday morning just wasn’t going to happen. So, instead, I will review the fine film The Laws of Deception, which aired Saturday afternoon.
The Laws of Deception is the greatest trash film ever: It supposedly takes place over about 25 years, but no one ages and fashion doesn’t change in the least. The cast includes 80’s washout C. Thomas Howell, 90210’s Brian Austin Green (who unfortunately did NOT play keyboards or dance in this film), and Amber Smith, whose IMDB listing gives her bra size as 36D and whose other credits include "Hot Redhead" in Tomcats. The “law school” scenes were blatantly filmed at a junior high school (the "law school library" is smaller than my apartment). Also, C. Thomas Howell always addresses the camera rather than the person he’s supposedly talking to. I kept expecting someone to break character and yell, “Hey! I’m over here!” Best of all, C. Thomas Howell (Evan) and Brian Austin Green (Cal) have a tight, fiercely homoerotic friendship. I counted 3 top of head kisses, twelve full hugs and 13 arms draped over shoulders. It's almost as sexy as Smallville.
Random question: what do C. Thomas Howell’s friends call him? C? Thomas? Or Howell? I also wonder what L. Ron Hubbard was called by his friends.
The film begins at Christmas, with Evan at age 5 (which is supposedly 25 years in the past, but the clothing and technology in the house are entirely modern – someone even got a DVD for Christmas). Evan’s entire family is murdered in the living room as pseudo-opera plays. You can always count on a mob film for pseudo-opera.
Cut to twenty years later, as Evan and best pal Cal are studying in the shockingly miniscule law library. They have a boring conversation about how justice is Evan’s only love, and then a hot chick named Elise starts looking at Evan. You know, if I saw Brian Austin Green and C. Thomas Howell at the same table, I’d stare too, but only because I’d be wondering if Corey Haim was going to join them. Elise asks Evan out on a date, and shows up at the restaurant in a see-through mesh outfit. She’s HOTT.
So, Elise and Evan prance in their 1998 fashions, although it’s supposed to be 1988. A love montage begins: sitting on a blanket together, having sex while making French toast, and more sex. This movie has enough C. Thomas Howell sex to last a lifetime. Elise and Evan snuggle in bed together and drink eggnog from champagne glasses. Mmm, mucus. Evan’s dial-a-quirk is that he drinks eggnog and listens to Christmas music year-round. I can’t get behind that at all: Christmas music annoys the crap out of me even in December. Do I really need to hear 19 versions of “Come All Ye Faithful”, two of which are performed by kittens?
Evan tells Elise that he is obsessed with Christmas because his parents were murdered, and that he was raised by his Mafia uncle. Elise responds by saying, “So, what’s Cal going to do after graduation?” Which, when you think about it, isn't a very nice thing to say when your boyfriend starts talking about his murdered parents. Also, although I can’t claim a lot of dating prowess, “Mafia uncle”, “murdered parents” and “obsessed with Christmas” would all set off alarm bells in my head. We’re also treated to an extraneous scene of a Western-theme bar owner’s hand being “tenderized” by thugs, and a recipe for chicken-fried steak. This whole movie is like a CD player set on “shuffle” – and I also get the feeling that the script was handed to the actors 3 minutes before filming so none of them could say, “What the hell is this?” They never look at each other, which implies to me there's a Teleprompter or cue cards off to one side.
Of course, Everything Falls Apart: Elise is caught going through Evan’s things, Elise turns out to be a stripper, and Evan gets beat up by her mob boss/strip bar owner boss, Carlucci. Evan recognizes Carlucci as the man that murdered his parents (although, I must mention, Carlucci hasn’t aged a bit in the last 20 years). However, he doesn’t do a damn thing about it. Elise and Evan break up.
Cut to 10 years later (although, again, fashion and technology haven’t changed a bit). Evan is now a hotshot attorney, and in the B-movie world, that means he slicks his hair back and smarms a good bit. Elise comes to Evan’s office and says that she has been accused of murdering her husband, Carlucci. The movie devolves (as if that had been possible) into a pseudo-noir whodunit with many twists and turns, all of which involve Elise’s 36D boobs. Here we go: Evan destroys three rental cars in a bizarre attempt at comic relief, Cal returns to say that Elise is trouble, Elise and Evan make the beast with two backs, Elise says that Cal is stalking her, Evan encounters a private detective who says that Elise is into S&M, and a sheriff with the fakest Texan accent ever insults Evan. All of that took an hour, thanks to loads of generous shots of Evan and Elise looking at each other, Evan driving very slowly down empty streets, aerial shots of Miami freeways (Lord knows, freeways are novel and exciting!).
The film’s climax (if we can call it that) involves a motel room. Evan meets Cal, who waves a gun at him and says that Elise ruined his life. Then why doesn’t he wave a gun at Elise, instead? Oh, whatever. Cal says that Elise was paid by Carlucci to date Evan. That must be the real reason the Mafia is in decline: mobsters are stupid. Carlucci spent 30 years of his life supervising Evan. Why not just put a bullet in Evan’s head and be done with it? I think someone needs lessons in Total Quality Management. Cal shoots himself in the head and blood spatters everywhere. Cal-Gone, take me away!
Evan turns on Elise because she's done him wrong, and Elise is convicted of murder as Evan sits in the courtroom and smarms. However, because every bad film has its twist (and every rose has its thorn, and every cowboy sings a sad, sad song), the final scene clues us in that Evan actually murdered Carlucci and framed Elise for it.
Scorecard: Intentional humor: 2 Unintentional humor: 9
Subtle, Confusing or Sledgehammer of a Plot? Confusing. So, the bar owner's hand got tenderized because he borrowed Evan's hair gel? Do the whuh how?
Damage to My Liver: Minor. Every time I'd take a drink, something stupid would happen and everything would shoot out of my nose.
After weeks of only slightly bad offerings from the WB Weekend Cinema, our local affiliate came up with two doozies in one weekend. First, For Love Alone, which is sort of a biography of Ivana Trump and mainly an excuse for Rev. Camden (Stephen Collins) to get naked with the Ivana-be Astar. However, repeated Reverend Camden quivering-lip sex scenes at 11 on a Sunday morning just wasn’t going to happen. So, instead, I will review the fine film The Laws of Deception, which aired Saturday afternoon.
The Laws of Deception is the greatest trash film ever: It supposedly takes place over about 25 years, but no one ages and fashion doesn’t change in the least. The cast includes 80’s washout C. Thomas Howell, 90210’s Brian Austin Green (who unfortunately did NOT play keyboards or dance in this film), and Amber Smith, whose IMDB listing gives her bra size as 36D and whose other credits include "Hot Redhead" in Tomcats. The “law school” scenes were blatantly filmed at a junior high school (the "law school library" is smaller than my apartment). Also, C. Thomas Howell always addresses the camera rather than the person he’s supposedly talking to. I kept expecting someone to break character and yell, “Hey! I’m over here!” Best of all, C. Thomas Howell (Evan) and Brian Austin Green (Cal) have a tight, fiercely homoerotic friendship. I counted 3 top of head kisses, twelve full hugs and 13 arms draped over shoulders. It's almost as sexy as Smallville.
Random question: what do C. Thomas Howell’s friends call him? C? Thomas? Or Howell? I also wonder what L. Ron Hubbard was called by his friends.
The film begins at Christmas, with Evan at age 5 (which is supposedly 25 years in the past, but the clothing and technology in the house are entirely modern – someone even got a DVD for Christmas). Evan’s entire family is murdered in the living room as pseudo-opera plays. You can always count on a mob film for pseudo-opera.
Cut to twenty years later, as Evan and best pal Cal are studying in the shockingly miniscule law library. They have a boring conversation about how justice is Evan’s only love, and then a hot chick named Elise starts looking at Evan. You know, if I saw Brian Austin Green and C. Thomas Howell at the same table, I’d stare too, but only because I’d be wondering if Corey Haim was going to join them. Elise asks Evan out on a date, and shows up at the restaurant in a see-through mesh outfit. She’s HOTT.
So, Elise and Evan prance in their 1998 fashions, although it’s supposed to be 1988. A love montage begins: sitting on a blanket together, having sex while making French toast, and more sex. This movie has enough C. Thomas Howell sex to last a lifetime. Elise and Evan snuggle in bed together and drink eggnog from champagne glasses. Mmm, mucus. Evan’s dial-a-quirk is that he drinks eggnog and listens to Christmas music year-round. I can’t get behind that at all: Christmas music annoys the crap out of me even in December. Do I really need to hear 19 versions of “Come All Ye Faithful”, two of which are performed by kittens?
Evan tells Elise that he is obsessed with Christmas because his parents were murdered, and that he was raised by his Mafia uncle. Elise responds by saying, “So, what’s Cal going to do after graduation?” Which, when you think about it, isn't a very nice thing to say when your boyfriend starts talking about his murdered parents. Also, although I can’t claim a lot of dating prowess, “Mafia uncle”, “murdered parents” and “obsessed with Christmas” would all set off alarm bells in my head. We’re also treated to an extraneous scene of a Western-theme bar owner’s hand being “tenderized” by thugs, and a recipe for chicken-fried steak. This whole movie is like a CD player set on “shuffle” – and I also get the feeling that the script was handed to the actors 3 minutes before filming so none of them could say, “What the hell is this?” They never look at each other, which implies to me there's a Teleprompter or cue cards off to one side.
Of course, Everything Falls Apart: Elise is caught going through Evan’s things, Elise turns out to be a stripper, and Evan gets beat up by her mob boss/strip bar owner boss, Carlucci. Evan recognizes Carlucci as the man that murdered his parents (although, I must mention, Carlucci hasn’t aged a bit in the last 20 years). However, he doesn’t do a damn thing about it. Elise and Evan break up.
Cut to 10 years later (although, again, fashion and technology haven’t changed a bit). Evan is now a hotshot attorney, and in the B-movie world, that means he slicks his hair back and smarms a good bit. Elise comes to Evan’s office and says that she has been accused of murdering her husband, Carlucci. The movie devolves (as if that had been possible) into a pseudo-noir whodunit with many twists and turns, all of which involve Elise’s 36D boobs. Here we go: Evan destroys three rental cars in a bizarre attempt at comic relief, Cal returns to say that Elise is trouble, Elise and Evan make the beast with two backs, Elise says that Cal is stalking her, Evan encounters a private detective who says that Elise is into S&M, and a sheriff with the fakest Texan accent ever insults Evan. All of that took an hour, thanks to loads of generous shots of Evan and Elise looking at each other, Evan driving very slowly down empty streets, aerial shots of Miami freeways (Lord knows, freeways are novel and exciting!).
The film’s climax (if we can call it that) involves a motel room. Evan meets Cal, who waves a gun at him and says that Elise ruined his life. Then why doesn’t he wave a gun at Elise, instead? Oh, whatever. Cal says that Elise was paid by Carlucci to date Evan. That must be the real reason the Mafia is in decline: mobsters are stupid. Carlucci spent 30 years of his life supervising Evan. Why not just put a bullet in Evan’s head and be done with it? I think someone needs lessons in Total Quality Management. Cal shoots himself in the head and blood spatters everywhere. Cal-Gone, take me away!
Evan turns on Elise because she's done him wrong, and Elise is convicted of murder as Evan sits in the courtroom and smarms. However, because every bad film has its twist (and every rose has its thorn, and every cowboy sings a sad, sad song), the final scene clues us in that Evan actually murdered Carlucci and framed Elise for it.
Scorecard: Intentional humor: 2 Unintentional humor: 9
Subtle, Confusing or Sledgehammer of a Plot? Confusing. So, the bar owner's hand got tenderized because he borrowed Evan's hair gel? Do the whuh how?
Damage to My Liver: Minor. Every time I'd take a drink, something stupid would happen and everything would shoot out of my nose.
Thursday, July 03, 2003
Fame: Beyond Thunderdome
For those of you missing my television recaps, I’ve done a wonderful thing: suffered through an hour of summer “original programming.” Unfortunately, NBC’s reality version of Fame chucks originality and plunges headlong into the bizarre.
The charming hosts are Debbie “Please take ‘In The House’ OFF my resume” Allen and Joey “I was in Rent! Please forget N’Sync” Fatone. The “celebrity experts” include producer Johnny “BritneySpearsPDiddyNameDrop” Wright, Carnie “Stomach Stapling” Wilson, and JoJo Stupidhair, a DJ I had never heard of and never want to hear from again.
Not only is this a very weird show, it’s also very cruel. All of the kids are lined up on the stage, and told one by one if they’re advancing. If you advance, you have to perform then and there, so two kids every week prepare a whole performance just to be sent home.
First performer to advance: Allyson Arena. Allyson has curly red hair, and whenever she straightens it I forget who she is entirely. She has a high, twangy, vibrato-laden voice, that’s great for Broadway but doesn’t make a damn bit of sense on this show. And I was a big Clay Aiken fan. Allyson showcases her talent by picking the worst songs possible. Last week? “Material Girl” This week? “We Are Family”, which sounds positively idiotic when you’re up on the stage by yourself. “I’ve got all my sisters with me,” my ass. Allyson wears the first fur vest Mad Max getup of the evening. The funniest part of the performance is when they show her friends…all three of them. I guarantee that if my friends had the chance to be on national TV, they’d come running. And at least one of them would show up in just underwear to guarantee more camera time (my guesses are Heath, J.B. or Mike W.). Debbie cackles and swings her boobs onto the stage (they visibly swing when she walks), Joey says it was a fantastic performance, a celebrity judge blows sunshine, and Allyson thanks God. All of them do that every time. I should really hope that God has better things to do than call in votes on a bargain-basement, low rated reality program.
The next performer to move forward is Justin Jacoby, and Joey announces that he is “going to perform an original rap.” Justin is an obnoxious teenager who can’t sing, can’t dance, and can’t even rap to a beat. His raps include original lines like, “If all dogs go to heaven, when’s my chance to bark?” What? Seriously. Out of curiousity, and due to my abiding hatred of America, I voted for Justin at the end of the show. His personal message is a rap, including an attempt to rhyme “dope” and “vote.”
Next up is Serena Henry, who settles into a chair and performs the talent-show staple “Wind Beneath My Wings.” Serena is one of those singers that has to perform vocal loop-the-loops, whether they fit the song or not. “Look at me! I’m talented! No, really!” She also shakes her chin around and chicken-flaps her elbows so America knows how talented she really is. The judges eat it all up, because they’re imbeciles.
After Serena performs, all the kids do a group performance of “America” in honor of the Fourth, with cane-dancing lifted directly from Nickelodeon’s Roundhouse. Everyone wears red-white-and-blue skimpy outfits, which I’m sure does our Founding Fathers proud. Some of the performers are less coordinated than others, so several smack into each other or hit their neighbor with a cane. After the performance, Debbie tells the audience they’ll be right back, so “Get your chicken wing.” Debbie says these things all the time, and I don’t know whether she’s trying to be chatty, or if she’s sending coded messages to the Trilateral Commission.
After the break, Alex Boyd is told he made the cut. Alex Boyd is blandly cute, over-gelled, and from McLean, Virginia: Where Real Estate Value is King. Alex wears the second Mad Max vest of the evening, which is totally wrong for performing Stevie Wonder’s “Sir Duke”. Alex, as a NOVA native, can’t enunciate worth a damn and even stumbles over the spoken jazz musician shout-outs. So he recovers by giving McLean a shout-out in his interview segment. He also says that his performance “is all for God.” God snorts, shuffles a bit on his cloud, and hurls down a lightning bolt. Not really, but that would have been awesome.
The next contestant to advance is single-name Moy. She’s got a blond pixie cut, tats, a gap in her teeth, and perennially high heels. Because I’m a reality ho, I know who she is straight off: I’ve seen her on both Popstars and American Idol. She’s made a career of being a reality show runner-up. Her real name is Petagay, which is the funniest name ever. Right now, in your offices, I want all of you to yell “Petagay” and see how many people stare at you or laugh. Moy sings “Let’s Stay Together”, and it isn’t good, it isn’t bad, it isn’t even interesting. The judges practically hump her leg when she’s done, however.
Harlemm Lee is up next, and he’s just awesome. Sure, he can sing, but the best part is just looking at him. He’s tiny, he’s bald, he’s 37, and his eyebrows move independently of one another. He’s not human. Harlemm sings “Greatest Love of All”, because he had to out-pageant Serena Henry. There’s lots of dramatic lighting and arm-tossing so we know he's Really Singing.
Once it’s down to the final four, the kids are split into pairs. One is told they’re advancing, the other gets an Assboot. First pair: Shannon Bex advances, Raymond Lee (who really, really couldn’t sing anyway) get the boot. Shannon is a leggy blond “virgin until marriage” (which is none of my business anyway) who wears the third Mad Max vest of the night. She sings some Christina Aguilera tune that even I haven’t heard of, flops about, and shakes what her mama gave her. I get eerie flashbacks of Britney Spears pole-dancing at the VMAs. Afterwards, Shannon thanks God, then thanks the troops. Meanwhile, all the other contestants smack themselves on the forehead and say, “Dammit! Why was I thanking God when I could have thanked the troops? Bitch!”
The next pair: Brandon O’Neal, a skinny cornrowed teenager, advances. Jamisen Tiangko, who erroneously sexed up every song from “Black Cat” to “God Bless the Child,” gets the boot. Brandon performs “Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone,” and it’s good, and I really don’t care because I tune in for the awful and the surreal.
Fortunately, Debbie Allen serves up the surreal by introducing Tyse something-or-other, the “spoiler” contestant. Tyse was chosen by NBC to “shake up” the show, as in “maybe NOW someone besides that sarcastic bitch in DC will watch.” Tyse really dishes up the surreal. He runs down the line of contestants like he’s on The Price is Right, and bounces up and down between Joey and Debbie. He yells something about a shout-out to Brooklyn, twitches uncontrollably, sweats, yells about Brooklyn again, says he’s ready to compete, and sweats again. The other contestants glare at him in mute horror. Debbie reminds all of us to vote, then tells us that Tyse will perform next week. I can’t wait.
For those of you missing my television recaps, I’ve done a wonderful thing: suffered through an hour of summer “original programming.” Unfortunately, NBC’s reality version of Fame chucks originality and plunges headlong into the bizarre.
The charming hosts are Debbie “Please take ‘In The House’ OFF my resume” Allen and Joey “I was in Rent! Please forget N’Sync” Fatone. The “celebrity experts” include producer Johnny “BritneySpearsPDiddyNameDrop” Wright, Carnie “Stomach Stapling” Wilson, and JoJo Stupidhair, a DJ I had never heard of and never want to hear from again.
Not only is this a very weird show, it’s also very cruel. All of the kids are lined up on the stage, and told one by one if they’re advancing. If you advance, you have to perform then and there, so two kids every week prepare a whole performance just to be sent home.
First performer to advance: Allyson Arena. Allyson has curly red hair, and whenever she straightens it I forget who she is entirely. She has a high, twangy, vibrato-laden voice, that’s great for Broadway but doesn’t make a damn bit of sense on this show. And I was a big Clay Aiken fan. Allyson showcases her talent by picking the worst songs possible. Last week? “Material Girl” This week? “We Are Family”, which sounds positively idiotic when you’re up on the stage by yourself. “I’ve got all my sisters with me,” my ass. Allyson wears the first fur vest Mad Max getup of the evening. The funniest part of the performance is when they show her friends…all three of them. I guarantee that if my friends had the chance to be on national TV, they’d come running. And at least one of them would show up in just underwear to guarantee more camera time (my guesses are Heath, J.B. or Mike W.). Debbie cackles and swings her boobs onto the stage (they visibly swing when she walks), Joey says it was a fantastic performance, a celebrity judge blows sunshine, and Allyson thanks God. All of them do that every time. I should really hope that God has better things to do than call in votes on a bargain-basement, low rated reality program.
The next performer to move forward is Justin Jacoby, and Joey announces that he is “going to perform an original rap.” Justin is an obnoxious teenager who can’t sing, can’t dance, and can’t even rap to a beat. His raps include original lines like, “If all dogs go to heaven, when’s my chance to bark?” What? Seriously. Out of curiousity, and due to my abiding hatred of America, I voted for Justin at the end of the show. His personal message is a rap, including an attempt to rhyme “dope” and “vote.”
Next up is Serena Henry, who settles into a chair and performs the talent-show staple “Wind Beneath My Wings.” Serena is one of those singers that has to perform vocal loop-the-loops, whether they fit the song or not. “Look at me! I’m talented! No, really!” She also shakes her chin around and chicken-flaps her elbows so America knows how talented she really is. The judges eat it all up, because they’re imbeciles.
After Serena performs, all the kids do a group performance of “America” in honor of the Fourth, with cane-dancing lifted directly from Nickelodeon’s Roundhouse. Everyone wears red-white-and-blue skimpy outfits, which I’m sure does our Founding Fathers proud. Some of the performers are less coordinated than others, so several smack into each other or hit their neighbor with a cane. After the performance, Debbie tells the audience they’ll be right back, so “Get your chicken wing.” Debbie says these things all the time, and I don’t know whether she’s trying to be chatty, or if she’s sending coded messages to the Trilateral Commission.
After the break, Alex Boyd is told he made the cut. Alex Boyd is blandly cute, over-gelled, and from McLean, Virginia: Where Real Estate Value is King. Alex wears the second Mad Max vest of the evening, which is totally wrong for performing Stevie Wonder’s “Sir Duke”. Alex, as a NOVA native, can’t enunciate worth a damn and even stumbles over the spoken jazz musician shout-outs. So he recovers by giving McLean a shout-out in his interview segment. He also says that his performance “is all for God.” God snorts, shuffles a bit on his cloud, and hurls down a lightning bolt. Not really, but that would have been awesome.
The next contestant to advance is single-name Moy. She’s got a blond pixie cut, tats, a gap in her teeth, and perennially high heels. Because I’m a reality ho, I know who she is straight off: I’ve seen her on both Popstars and American Idol. She’s made a career of being a reality show runner-up. Her real name is Petagay, which is the funniest name ever. Right now, in your offices, I want all of you to yell “Petagay” and see how many people stare at you or laugh. Moy sings “Let’s Stay Together”, and it isn’t good, it isn’t bad, it isn’t even interesting. The judges practically hump her leg when she’s done, however.
Harlemm Lee is up next, and he’s just awesome. Sure, he can sing, but the best part is just looking at him. He’s tiny, he’s bald, he’s 37, and his eyebrows move independently of one another. He’s not human. Harlemm sings “Greatest Love of All”, because he had to out-pageant Serena Henry. There’s lots of dramatic lighting and arm-tossing so we know he's Really Singing.
Once it’s down to the final four, the kids are split into pairs. One is told they’re advancing, the other gets an Assboot. First pair: Shannon Bex advances, Raymond Lee (who really, really couldn’t sing anyway) get the boot. Shannon is a leggy blond “virgin until marriage” (which is none of my business anyway) who wears the third Mad Max vest of the night. She sings some Christina Aguilera tune that even I haven’t heard of, flops about, and shakes what her mama gave her. I get eerie flashbacks of Britney Spears pole-dancing at the VMAs. Afterwards, Shannon thanks God, then thanks the troops. Meanwhile, all the other contestants smack themselves on the forehead and say, “Dammit! Why was I thanking God when I could have thanked the troops? Bitch!”
The next pair: Brandon O’Neal, a skinny cornrowed teenager, advances. Jamisen Tiangko, who erroneously sexed up every song from “Black Cat” to “God Bless the Child,” gets the boot. Brandon performs “Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone,” and it’s good, and I really don’t care because I tune in for the awful and the surreal.
Fortunately, Debbie Allen serves up the surreal by introducing Tyse something-or-other, the “spoiler” contestant. Tyse was chosen by NBC to “shake up” the show, as in “maybe NOW someone besides that sarcastic bitch in DC will watch.” Tyse really dishes up the surreal. He runs down the line of contestants like he’s on The Price is Right, and bounces up and down between Joey and Debbie. He yells something about a shout-out to Brooklyn, twitches uncontrollably, sweats, yells about Brooklyn again, says he’s ready to compete, and sweats again. The other contestants glare at him in mute horror. Debbie reminds all of us to vote, then tells us that Tyse will perform next week. I can’t wait.
Monday, June 09, 2003
Announcement #1: check out this cool website by Mike Queen and Carlos Queen, featuring writing by Heath Tomar. Mike and Heath went to college with me and are therefore cool. They take submissions, if anyone would like to send things in. (Edited to fix link).
Since I’m in TV withdrawal, I figured I’d start posting recaps of dreadful movies I’ve watched on TV. I’d been wondering if I’m just a bitter old crank, or if I’ve been watching particularly bad films lately. I’ll let you be the judge. Also, the reviews will give away the entire plot (such as it is), so reader beware.
Before I post my first film review, I’d like to announce a contest in honor of “Powder”: Design Your Own Stupid Movie, and please use as many movie clichés as possible while including one idiotic random twist. My favorite clichés are: Hooker With a Heart of Gold, Everyone Thinks the Hero is Dead but He Comes Out of the Burning Building Anyway, and Rural People Hate Everyone. Send entries to slstamey@hotmail.com by Friday afternoon. Winner gets Internet glory and the opportunity to assign my next bad film.
“Powder”, 1995, starring Sean Patrick Flanery and Mary Steenburgen
Gun-toting, ignorant Texans? Check. Kindhearted social worker? Check. Bullying teenagers? Check. Sweet small-town girl who’s kind to the hero? Check. Jeff Goldblum as a stammering scientist? Check. Sean Patrick Flanery as a basement-dwelling albino with superpowers? Yeah!
The film begins with a baby in an incubator screaming as its brain waves are being charted. The brain wave activity is really high, as his father sobs. Ominous yet uplifting music plays.
Fifteen years later, Sheriff Doug and Social Worker Jessi are walking up to a farmhouse as the ominous, uplifting music takes it down a notch. The farm’s owner has died, and the police found his teenage grandson in the basement, kept down there as a “family secret.” Damn those Southerners and their family secrets and close-minded ways! Because that device has never been used in a film before (off the top of my head: every goddamn movie that has ever been made).
Jessi meets the bald, albino kid, who says that his name is Jeremy but his grandparents called him “Powder.” She gets him lunch, discovers that he has memorized every book in his basement, and packs him off to her Home For Wayward Boys, Xenophobics and Godawful Accents. Naturally, the boys are mean to him and tell him to balance a spoon on his nose as an “initiation”. Lame! I think a pack of orphans and delinquents would at least make him tip a cow or moon somebody. Jeremy responds by telekinetically summoning every utensil in the room.
Jeremy is then sent to school, because it’s completely logical that a boy who has never left the house would be immediately packed off to a large public high school. Jeremy meets his science teacher, Jeff Goldblum. I won’t bother figuring out what his character’s name is, since Jeff Goldblum has been playing the same character since “The Big Chill” anyway. Jeff turns on a Jacob’s Ladder, and the electricity zaps Jeremy from across the room as a generically pretty red-haired girl stares in awe. Gee, think she’ll be important later?
Jeremy is hauled off to the hospital, where the doctors can’t find a single scratch on him. He slips out of his room and begins to walk. On the way, he pets a dog and is greeted by Generic Redhead. They have a sweet, uplifting conversation as the score beats into our heads that this is an Uplifting Conversation. Generic Redhead points Jeremy to the interstate, where he is intercepted by Sheriff Doug and Deputy Harley. Jeremy gives up his quest to return home and goes back to the Home for Wayward Accents with Sheriff Doug.
Jeff Goldblum sputters science throughout the film, but in the interest of not typing for the rest of my life, here’s the Science Stuff all in one meaty paragraph: Jeremy IS electrolysis. Alert beauty salons! Jeremy uses all of his brain, and is therefore “pure energy.” Cue Information Society! Jeremy has an off-the-charts IQ, and is more human than human. Cue White Zombie! Jeremy is so super-evolved that he slices, dices, he even juliennes.
Back to the plot, such as it is: Sheriff Doug and Deputy Harley take the Wayward Boys camping. Jeremy tells Sheriff Doug that “God took his mother” as we see a hilarious flashback of a pregnant woman being struck by lightning as water sprays straight up and his dad screams. No movie death has ever been funnier: Mom gets a look of bored terror as she stands in her Puddle of Certain Demise.
The next day, Jeremy goes strolling through the woods. Wayward Bullies #1 and #2 emerge and yell twangy insults. This scene couldn’t be more generic if #1 and #2 wore straw hats and were chewing tebaccy. Bully #1 waves a gun at Jeremy as shots ring out. All three boys race across a clearing to find Deputy Harley and a dead deer. The obviously robotic deer twitches as the boys yee-haw. So, Texans like to go hunting? Color me shocked! Jeremy grabs the deer, then grabs Deputy Harley. Deputy Harley goes into seizures as the Wayward Bullies twang uselessly in the background.
Sheriff Doug and Jessi give Jeremy a stern talking to. Jeremy responds by telekinetically shattering all of the glass in the room and saying he wants to go home. Somehow, that scene took 20 minutes.
Somehow, everything is instantly all better, because Sheriff Doug takes Jeremy to meet his Vague Ailment Nobly Dying Wife. She’d actually been in a few scenes already, but it was stupid to mention them because they were pointless scenes. Vague Ailment’s nurse is afraid of the “freak.” Whatever, I think this film has already established (and established, and established…) that everyone’s afraid of Jeremy because Texans are hicks. Jeremy uses his vague superpowers to channel Vague Ailment, who tells Sheriff Doug that she can’t die until he makes up with Estranged Son of Sheriff Doug. They make up, Vague Ailment dies, Uplifting Score wields its sledgehammer and we cut to commercial. I pour a drink or 12.
The next day, Jeremy walks around the County Fair, then brings a soda to Generic Redhead. They hold hands and read each other’s thoughts, which would be quite moving if 1. I cared about either of these people 2. These people had interesting thoughts 3. If they’d added a car chase or naked people. Jeremy talks about how everyone is beautiful and sarcasm is unnecessary. Dude, sarcasm is half the joy in life. You don't know what you're missing! Generic Redhead and Jeremy share a passionless kiss. Generic Redhead’s dad, Generic Villain, shakes Jeremy around. Sean Patrick Flanery’s physical acting is priceless: he twitches in the exact opposite direction that he’s supposed to be shaken in. It’s like the whole fight was choreographed by people who took Physics for Poets in college. Jessi runs over and Generic Villain tells her to keep her “state trash” away from his pure and perfect daughter. Generic Villain couldn’t be more evil than if he had a handlebar mustache and tied maidens to train tracks.
Jeremy melodramatically packs his cardboard suitcase, dons his cheap fedora, and slips out of the Home for Wayward Accents as sad uplifting music plays. We see him walk to the interstate, then hitch a ride in the back of a truck. Jeremy returns to the Farmhouse of Isolation and crawls into his basement.
Jessi pulls up a few minutes later and finds him there. All of his books are gone, and she vows to return every last one of them. Well, then why didn’t you let him pack the books or store them in the first place, you nitwit? And the fact that the house is empty and his whole family is dead is enough of a hint that Things Have Changed. Cripes.
Anyway, Jeff Goldblum arrives and he and Jessi offer to take Jeremy somewhere he belongs. Central Casting, perhaps? I’d love to see an albino endorse sunscreens. Comedy gold.
However, this dream is shattered as Sheriff Doug and Deputy Harley pull their patrol cars onto the front lawn. Everyone argues about Destiny and Deeper Meaning and Enough With the Albinos Already as a thunderstorm brews in the distance. Jeremy is being led to a car when the Idiotic Plot Twist becomes clear to him. He breaks away and runs, followed by the Four Horsemen of the Albino. He turns around and has something profound to say to each of them:
Sheriff Doug: “Your vaguely dying wife is now vaguely part of the atmosphere and you should be vaguely happy about that.”
Jessi: “You’re a good person blah blah blah.”
Deputy Harley: “It’s wrong to shoot things. It’s wrong to hate people. You are just plain wrong.”
Jeff Goldblum: “Get a new schtick already, Stammer Boy! I can't believe this movie makes Earth Girls Are Easy look like quality!”
Jeff Goldblum says something profound about technology surpassing humanity, humanity someday surpassing technology, and then sums up the film I knew the plot of anyway because I’d been watching it for the last freakin’ two hours. Jeremy takes off running across a field, the score becomes the Noble Death Song, Jeremy is struck by lightning and vanishes. A wave of CGI energy smacks the Four Horsemen to the ground. All four get these looks of Profound Wonder that vary based on acting ability. Jessi: profound wonder crossed with did-I-leave-the-oven-on. Jeff Goldblum: profound wonder that he actually got paid for this clunker. Sheriff Doug: profound wonder crossed with what-the-hell-is-with-this-ending-anyway? Deputy Harley: profound wonder, hold the mayo, extra pickle.
The end. Credits. Credits that roll by faster and faster so we can never know who inflicted this film upon us. Awesome.
Scorecard: Intentional humor: 0 Unintentional humor: 5
Subtle, Confusing or Sledgehammer of a Plot? Sledgehammer, by a mile.
Damage to My Liver: Substantial
Since I’m in TV withdrawal, I figured I’d start posting recaps of dreadful movies I’ve watched on TV. I’d been wondering if I’m just a bitter old crank, or if I’ve been watching particularly bad films lately. I’ll let you be the judge. Also, the reviews will give away the entire plot (such as it is), so reader beware.
Before I post my first film review, I’d like to announce a contest in honor of “Powder”: Design Your Own Stupid Movie, and please use as many movie clichés as possible while including one idiotic random twist. My favorite clichés are: Hooker With a Heart of Gold, Everyone Thinks the Hero is Dead but He Comes Out of the Burning Building Anyway, and Rural People Hate Everyone. Send entries to slstamey@hotmail.com by Friday afternoon. Winner gets Internet glory and the opportunity to assign my next bad film.
“Powder”, 1995, starring Sean Patrick Flanery and Mary Steenburgen
Gun-toting, ignorant Texans? Check. Kindhearted social worker? Check. Bullying teenagers? Check. Sweet small-town girl who’s kind to the hero? Check. Jeff Goldblum as a stammering scientist? Check. Sean Patrick Flanery as a basement-dwelling albino with superpowers? Yeah!
The film begins with a baby in an incubator screaming as its brain waves are being charted. The brain wave activity is really high, as his father sobs. Ominous yet uplifting music plays.
Fifteen years later, Sheriff Doug and Social Worker Jessi are walking up to a farmhouse as the ominous, uplifting music takes it down a notch. The farm’s owner has died, and the police found his teenage grandson in the basement, kept down there as a “family secret.” Damn those Southerners and their family secrets and close-minded ways! Because that device has never been used in a film before (off the top of my head: every goddamn movie that has ever been made).
Jessi meets the bald, albino kid, who says that his name is Jeremy but his grandparents called him “Powder.” She gets him lunch, discovers that he has memorized every book in his basement, and packs him off to her Home For Wayward Boys, Xenophobics and Godawful Accents. Naturally, the boys are mean to him and tell him to balance a spoon on his nose as an “initiation”. Lame! I think a pack of orphans and delinquents would at least make him tip a cow or moon somebody. Jeremy responds by telekinetically summoning every utensil in the room.
Jeremy is then sent to school, because it’s completely logical that a boy who has never left the house would be immediately packed off to a large public high school. Jeremy meets his science teacher, Jeff Goldblum. I won’t bother figuring out what his character’s name is, since Jeff Goldblum has been playing the same character since “The Big Chill” anyway. Jeff turns on a Jacob’s Ladder, and the electricity zaps Jeremy from across the room as a generically pretty red-haired girl stares in awe. Gee, think she’ll be important later?
Jeremy is hauled off to the hospital, where the doctors can’t find a single scratch on him. He slips out of his room and begins to walk. On the way, he pets a dog and is greeted by Generic Redhead. They have a sweet, uplifting conversation as the score beats into our heads that this is an Uplifting Conversation. Generic Redhead points Jeremy to the interstate, where he is intercepted by Sheriff Doug and Deputy Harley. Jeremy gives up his quest to return home and goes back to the Home for Wayward Accents with Sheriff Doug.
Jeff Goldblum sputters science throughout the film, but in the interest of not typing for the rest of my life, here’s the Science Stuff all in one meaty paragraph: Jeremy IS electrolysis. Alert beauty salons! Jeremy uses all of his brain, and is therefore “pure energy.” Cue Information Society! Jeremy has an off-the-charts IQ, and is more human than human. Cue White Zombie! Jeremy is so super-evolved that he slices, dices, he even juliennes.
Back to the plot, such as it is: Sheriff Doug and Deputy Harley take the Wayward Boys camping. Jeremy tells Sheriff Doug that “God took his mother” as we see a hilarious flashback of a pregnant woman being struck by lightning as water sprays straight up and his dad screams. No movie death has ever been funnier: Mom gets a look of bored terror as she stands in her Puddle of Certain Demise.
The next day, Jeremy goes strolling through the woods. Wayward Bullies #1 and #2 emerge and yell twangy insults. This scene couldn’t be more generic if #1 and #2 wore straw hats and were chewing tebaccy. Bully #1 waves a gun at Jeremy as shots ring out. All three boys race across a clearing to find Deputy Harley and a dead deer. The obviously robotic deer twitches as the boys yee-haw. So, Texans like to go hunting? Color me shocked! Jeremy grabs the deer, then grabs Deputy Harley. Deputy Harley goes into seizures as the Wayward Bullies twang uselessly in the background.
Sheriff Doug and Jessi give Jeremy a stern talking to. Jeremy responds by telekinetically shattering all of the glass in the room and saying he wants to go home. Somehow, that scene took 20 minutes.
Somehow, everything is instantly all better, because Sheriff Doug takes Jeremy to meet his Vague Ailment Nobly Dying Wife. She’d actually been in a few scenes already, but it was stupid to mention them because they were pointless scenes. Vague Ailment’s nurse is afraid of the “freak.” Whatever, I think this film has already established (and established, and established…) that everyone’s afraid of Jeremy because Texans are hicks. Jeremy uses his vague superpowers to channel Vague Ailment, who tells Sheriff Doug that she can’t die until he makes up with Estranged Son of Sheriff Doug. They make up, Vague Ailment dies, Uplifting Score wields its sledgehammer and we cut to commercial. I pour a drink or 12.
The next day, Jeremy walks around the County Fair, then brings a soda to Generic Redhead. They hold hands and read each other’s thoughts, which would be quite moving if 1. I cared about either of these people 2. These people had interesting thoughts 3. If they’d added a car chase or naked people. Jeremy talks about how everyone is beautiful and sarcasm is unnecessary. Dude, sarcasm is half the joy in life. You don't know what you're missing! Generic Redhead and Jeremy share a passionless kiss. Generic Redhead’s dad, Generic Villain, shakes Jeremy around. Sean Patrick Flanery’s physical acting is priceless: he twitches in the exact opposite direction that he’s supposed to be shaken in. It’s like the whole fight was choreographed by people who took Physics for Poets in college. Jessi runs over and Generic Villain tells her to keep her “state trash” away from his pure and perfect daughter. Generic Villain couldn’t be more evil than if he had a handlebar mustache and tied maidens to train tracks.
Jeremy melodramatically packs his cardboard suitcase, dons his cheap fedora, and slips out of the Home for Wayward Accents as sad uplifting music plays. We see him walk to the interstate, then hitch a ride in the back of a truck. Jeremy returns to the Farmhouse of Isolation and crawls into his basement.
Jessi pulls up a few minutes later and finds him there. All of his books are gone, and she vows to return every last one of them. Well, then why didn’t you let him pack the books or store them in the first place, you nitwit? And the fact that the house is empty and his whole family is dead is enough of a hint that Things Have Changed. Cripes.
Anyway, Jeff Goldblum arrives and he and Jessi offer to take Jeremy somewhere he belongs. Central Casting, perhaps? I’d love to see an albino endorse sunscreens. Comedy gold.
However, this dream is shattered as Sheriff Doug and Deputy Harley pull their patrol cars onto the front lawn. Everyone argues about Destiny and Deeper Meaning and Enough With the Albinos Already as a thunderstorm brews in the distance. Jeremy is being led to a car when the Idiotic Plot Twist becomes clear to him. He breaks away and runs, followed by the Four Horsemen of the Albino. He turns around and has something profound to say to each of them:
Sheriff Doug: “Your vaguely dying wife is now vaguely part of the atmosphere and you should be vaguely happy about that.”
Jessi: “You’re a good person blah blah blah.”
Deputy Harley: “It’s wrong to shoot things. It’s wrong to hate people. You are just plain wrong.”
Jeff Goldblum: “Get a new schtick already, Stammer Boy! I can't believe this movie makes Earth Girls Are Easy look like quality!”
Jeff Goldblum says something profound about technology surpassing humanity, humanity someday surpassing technology, and then sums up the film I knew the plot of anyway because I’d been watching it for the last freakin’ two hours. Jeremy takes off running across a field, the score becomes the Noble Death Song, Jeremy is struck by lightning and vanishes. A wave of CGI energy smacks the Four Horsemen to the ground. All four get these looks of Profound Wonder that vary based on acting ability. Jessi: profound wonder crossed with did-I-leave-the-oven-on. Jeff Goldblum: profound wonder that he actually got paid for this clunker. Sheriff Doug: profound wonder crossed with what-the-hell-is-with-this-ending-anyway? Deputy Harley: profound wonder, hold the mayo, extra pickle.
The end. Credits. Credits that roll by faster and faster so we can never know who inflicted this film upon us. Awesome.
Scorecard: Intentional humor: 0 Unintentional humor: 5
Subtle, Confusing or Sledgehammer of a Plot? Sledgehammer, by a mile.
Damage to My Liver: Substantial
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
I tried to watch the Martha Stewart movie for you guys last night, but considering how much I drank to get through last night’s 7th Heaven, going to bed seemed like a better idea. Also, I found it distressing that the actress playing “teenage Martha” had more wrinkles than I do.
This is the last 7th Heaven of the season. Depending on my schedule, I’ll try to keep this site updated throughout the summer. I’ll definitely be posting a review of the American Idol movie. If anyone has further suggestions, please let me know. I’ll take requests.
Life and Death, Part 2 Airdate 5.19.03
Last night on 7th Heaven, we learned that getting your period is a BIG DEAL, Lucy is even more messed up than the creepy local pharmacist, the producers still hate Jessica Biel, Tara Lipinksi ain’t nothing but a trick, Chandler’s dad likes the Yankees, Barry Watson is hot, and Deacon Lou and Detective Michaels like to stand around on the porch and give bad news.
Ruthie’s uterus is apparently worthy of its own two-episode arc. The whole family, one by one, finds out that Ruthie has “become a woman” and takes a moment to congratulate her. Even the Poddlers. While bizarre and disgusting, this plot gave me a chance to have some fun with Mike: I waved a glass of cranberry juice under his nose whenever Ruthie was on the screen. At 8:53, Annie manipulates Ruthie into a family celebration dinner.
Last week, Lucy figured out that she was late for more than when God was passing out brains. Lucy’s “She’s a Woman Now” is late, and her first reaction is to tell Kevin. Oh, of course not, her first reaction is to stuff a pillow under her shirt and pose in front of the mirror. Then she tells Kevin, er, calls Mary to say “I did something” in horror. OK, Lucy, Kevin is required to, ahem, “contribute” before you can get pregnant. You didn’t do this on your own. She spends the rest of the episode avoiding Kevin, then goes to the Promenade with Mary and buys a pregnancy test from the creepy local pharmacist. This is the same pharmacist that knows what brand of tampons Peter’s mom uses, so I can think of about a dozen better places to go. Glenoak has a mall, an airport, a synagogue, and a Buddhist temple, I’m sure they also have a Wal-Mart. The last shot of the episode is Lucy staring glumly at her home pregnancy kit.
In case you are wondering, the producers still haven’t forgiven Jessica Biel for posing half-naked in Gear three years ago. That’s the only reason I can think of for Mary being given such insulting storylines. This time around, she’s married some mystery guy and wants her dad to get her an annulment. Both Lucy and Matt married someone out of the blue, but when Mary does the same thing it’s a horrible sin. I’d guess that she married Robbie, but since Robbie has ceased to exist I’m out of ideas. Perhaps she married her leathery boyfriend from the season premiere.
Tara Lipinski reprises her role as Christine, whom Kevin identifies as a “professional dater.” Only Lucy, with her wacky potential pregnancy hormones, is willing to go the extra mile and call her a hooker. Christine prances around the house in a towel and flirts with Simon shamelessly. At 8:53, Christine decides to quit turning tricks and go have pizza with the Camdens. Ah, the Healing Power of Wholesome Camden Pizza will straighten out all her little slutty problems.
Chandler and his dad finally make up, although it’s much less compelling than it could be. For a terminal cancer patient, Chandler’s dad is pretty active and healthy-looking. He does threaten to beat up the Reverend, though, so he can’t be all bad. Chandler and his dad mumble about the Yankees in the Sports Talk of Emotional Healing. At 8:53, Chandler returns home to Glenoak to slobber on Woefullly Miscast Rachel Blanchard. The scene implies that they are going to have sex, but I'm betting they run off and get married.
Matt is back, although he is given absolutely nothing to do except leave messages for Sarah and stalk Simon. But he’s still hot with the short hair, so he could just read weather reports and I’d be happy.
Finally, Deacon Lou and Detective Michaels show up on the Camden front porch, saying they have bad news, so the season ends with a cliffhanger. If prior 7th Heaven cliffhangers are any indication, we’ll find out that a tertiary character no one cares about has died. The Camdens will sob for 20 minutes, then be totally happy by the next episode.
Intentional humor: 3 Unintentional humor: 7 Preachiness: 8 Histrionics: 8 Items thrown at television: 4 Emotional Trauma: 6
This is the last 7th Heaven of the season. Depending on my schedule, I’ll try to keep this site updated throughout the summer. I’ll definitely be posting a review of the American Idol movie. If anyone has further suggestions, please let me know. I’ll take requests.
Life and Death, Part 2 Airdate 5.19.03
Last night on 7th Heaven, we learned that getting your period is a BIG DEAL, Lucy is even more messed up than the creepy local pharmacist, the producers still hate Jessica Biel, Tara Lipinksi ain’t nothing but a trick, Chandler’s dad likes the Yankees, Barry Watson is hot, and Deacon Lou and Detective Michaels like to stand around on the porch and give bad news.
Ruthie’s uterus is apparently worthy of its own two-episode arc. The whole family, one by one, finds out that Ruthie has “become a woman” and takes a moment to congratulate her. Even the Poddlers. While bizarre and disgusting, this plot gave me a chance to have some fun with Mike: I waved a glass of cranberry juice under his nose whenever Ruthie was on the screen. At 8:53, Annie manipulates Ruthie into a family celebration dinner.
Last week, Lucy figured out that she was late for more than when God was passing out brains. Lucy’s “She’s a Woman Now” is late, and her first reaction is to tell Kevin. Oh, of course not, her first reaction is to stuff a pillow under her shirt and pose in front of the mirror. Then she tells Kevin, er, calls Mary to say “I did something” in horror. OK, Lucy, Kevin is required to, ahem, “contribute” before you can get pregnant. You didn’t do this on your own. She spends the rest of the episode avoiding Kevin, then goes to the Promenade with Mary and buys a pregnancy test from the creepy local pharmacist. This is the same pharmacist that knows what brand of tampons Peter’s mom uses, so I can think of about a dozen better places to go. Glenoak has a mall, an airport, a synagogue, and a Buddhist temple, I’m sure they also have a Wal-Mart. The last shot of the episode is Lucy staring glumly at her home pregnancy kit.
In case you are wondering, the producers still haven’t forgiven Jessica Biel for posing half-naked in Gear three years ago. That’s the only reason I can think of for Mary being given such insulting storylines. This time around, she’s married some mystery guy and wants her dad to get her an annulment. Both Lucy and Matt married someone out of the blue, but when Mary does the same thing it’s a horrible sin. I’d guess that she married Robbie, but since Robbie has ceased to exist I’m out of ideas. Perhaps she married her leathery boyfriend from the season premiere.
Tara Lipinski reprises her role as Christine, whom Kevin identifies as a “professional dater.” Only Lucy, with her wacky potential pregnancy hormones, is willing to go the extra mile and call her a hooker. Christine prances around the house in a towel and flirts with Simon shamelessly. At 8:53, Christine decides to quit turning tricks and go have pizza with the Camdens. Ah, the Healing Power of Wholesome Camden Pizza will straighten out all her little slutty problems.
Chandler and his dad finally make up, although it’s much less compelling than it could be. For a terminal cancer patient, Chandler’s dad is pretty active and healthy-looking. He does threaten to beat up the Reverend, though, so he can’t be all bad. Chandler and his dad mumble about the Yankees in the Sports Talk of Emotional Healing. At 8:53, Chandler returns home to Glenoak to slobber on Woefullly Miscast Rachel Blanchard. The scene implies that they are going to have sex, but I'm betting they run off and get married.
Matt is back, although he is given absolutely nothing to do except leave messages for Sarah and stalk Simon. But he’s still hot with the short hair, so he could just read weather reports and I’d be happy.
Finally, Deacon Lou and Detective Michaels show up on the Camden front porch, saying they have bad news, so the season ends with a cliffhanger. If prior 7th Heaven cliffhangers are any indication, we’ll find out that a tertiary character no one cares about has died. The Camdens will sob for 20 minutes, then be totally happy by the next episode.
Intentional humor: 3 Unintentional humor: 7 Preachiness: 8 Histrionics: 8 Items thrown at television: 4 Emotional Trauma: 6
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
“Life and Death, Part 1”, Airdate 5.12.03
I’m convinced that the writers of 7th Heaven sit around every week and figure out ways to traumatize me. Last night’s episode included numerous references to products for our dirty parts, including pregnancy tests and tampons. Mike spent much of the episode chugging beer or hiding under the sofa. There were also numerous unintentional PSAs for sex education in high schools. Because these people are CLUELESS and probably believe that babies are caused by impure thoughts and delivered by the stork.
The Reverend goes to New York, unbidden, to talk to Chandler’s dad and get them to reconcile before the evil Dad Of Chandler dies. I’m so delighted that a church with a collapsing roof can afford to send its minister on a last-minute flight to New York to meddle in someone else’s business. The Reverend meets Orson Bean, who pretends to be Chandler’s dad so Dan Lauria, the real dad, can hide. Seriously. The Reverend also spends plenty of time at the hospital, hassling Matt at work. Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard avoids Chandler the entire episode, because she thinks playing hard to get is a healthy thing for their relationship. Let me see the logic here: she is proving her love by using sex as a weapon and avoiding her boyfriend, whose dad is dying and could use her support. Wow, these are some great “values”!
Matt is back on the show, and looks adorable with his short, spiky hair that for once has been washed. OK, I admit it – I have a teenybop crush for Barry Watson. He’s dreamy when he has short hair, and after finishing cancer treatment he named his new dog Hodgkins. He may replace Everwood’s Ephram as my TV boyfriend. Matt’s wife, Sarah, who has peculiar teeth like all tertiary characters on this show, is L-A-T-E. Matt and Sarah talk about it in a supply closet, and Matt is delighted that Sarah may have to drop out of medical school to be a good mummy. He also gets caveman cred by referring to her gynecologist as a “witch doctor.” One of the nurses lets slip to the Reverend that Sarah may be pregnant, and he spends the rest of the episode stalking them mercilessly. However, Sarah is not pregnant, despite the multiple positive results she got on the pregnancy tests. Fun Fact: false negatives are way more common than false positives, because it takes time for the buildup of traceable amounts of the chemical pregnancy tests look for. And getting two, let alone three, false positive tests in a row is virtually impossible. And you can get your period and still be pregnant. So, Sarah is probably indeed preggers. Sorry, this show spreads so much misinformation about sexual health it makes me twitch. Like the “Let’s Talk About Sex” episode a few years ago where Mary and Lucy were basically told that there is NO middle ground between kissing and having sex. Well, guys, there are two women who will never want foreplay! Huzzah!
Tara Lipinski, skating star and creepy blowup doll lookalike, joins the cast as Christine. She’s apparently a classmate of Lucy’s, and needs a place to stay while her apartment is being fumigated. Naturally, Lucy offers up her parents’ house without asking them first. Christine parades around the house in a teeny-tiny tank top and boxer shorts, shakes her modest boobage at Simon, and tries to get him to take her to the prom. She even does a ridiculously pornorific “Oops! I forgot my robe!”, which is almost as porny as “You’re not the usual cabana boy.” Christine seems comfortable in her sexuality, which in the Camden universe means she’s a criminal of some sort.
Neck-of-Steel Cecilia has forever redeemed herself by refusing to go to the prom – because it’s expensive and a hassle. Simon flips at both her disobedience and his own lengthening sideburns (his third look for the season, which Mike has decided is indie-rock. I sorta dug the Eddie Munster slicked-back thing from earlier in the season). Simon decides to take Christine instead.
Annie mentions to Lucy that Sarah might be pregnant. Annie then mentions that birth control doesn’t always work. Oh, sweet Lord in heaven! What a revelation! Annie mentions that she was on the Pill when she got pregnant with the Poddlers. Judging by the clear developmental problems of the Poddlers, I’m going to guess that the “Pill” Annie was taking was OxyContin. Lucy gasps, realizes she’s late, and checks the date on the newspaper. Lucy rubs her tummy (unfortunately she does not pat her head at the same time) and stares heavenward in a state of mute shock and idiocy. I find it hilarious that in Lucy’s 21 years on this earth, and all of the “people who have sex always get pregnant” plotlines they’ve had, that NO ONE has ever told her that birth control isn’t perfect.
Ruthie is stuck with the most grotesque subplot ever. Ruthie spends the first half of the episode having a psychotic break, which is an interesting contrast to her usual mild sociopathy. Eventually, Teeth-to-Spare catches on that it’s Ruthie’s First Period. What follows is more traumatizing than Lucy’s First Period in the pilot episode, wherein the Camdens held a party in her honor, complete with presents. Teeth-to-Spare says that she’s been acting crazy lately, as her womenfolk hormones have taken control. He also says he discussed things with his mom, and that Ruthie’s problem is “girl stuff…as in none of my business.” Good save! Mike says he is going to start using that. And, also, I like that Paris and Teeth-to-Spare have recovered so quickly from Dick that they can discuss Ruthie’s uterus. And that may be the most disgusting sentence I have ever typed. Teeth-to-Spare takes Ruthie to the drugstore to purchase tampons, which is ridiculous on two fronts: no 12-year-old uses tampons instead of pads, and no 12-year-old will go buy them without dying a thousand deaths of embarrassment. Teeth-to-Spare and Ruthie go up to the register, and the cashier greets them by name AND points out to Teeth-to-Spare that this isn’t “his usual brand.” So either Paris sends her son to buy corks, or Teeth-to-Spare buys them for his own amusement. Either option is squicky beyond words. Seriously, I would have rather spent the hour watching Xander getting his eye poked out on Buffy.
Also, Mary repeatedly calls the house to talk to her dad, because she’s “done something stupid.” Aside from returning to this horrible, misinformed show, I don’t know what she’s talking about.
Intentional humor: 2 Unintentional humor: 6 Preachiness: 4 Histrionics: 9 Items thrown at television: 8 Emotional Trauma: 31
I’m convinced that the writers of 7th Heaven sit around every week and figure out ways to traumatize me. Last night’s episode included numerous references to products for our dirty parts, including pregnancy tests and tampons. Mike spent much of the episode chugging beer or hiding under the sofa. There were also numerous unintentional PSAs for sex education in high schools. Because these people are CLUELESS and probably believe that babies are caused by impure thoughts and delivered by the stork.
The Reverend goes to New York, unbidden, to talk to Chandler’s dad and get them to reconcile before the evil Dad Of Chandler dies. I’m so delighted that a church with a collapsing roof can afford to send its minister on a last-minute flight to New York to meddle in someone else’s business. The Reverend meets Orson Bean, who pretends to be Chandler’s dad so Dan Lauria, the real dad, can hide. Seriously. The Reverend also spends plenty of time at the hospital, hassling Matt at work. Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard avoids Chandler the entire episode, because she thinks playing hard to get is a healthy thing for their relationship. Let me see the logic here: she is proving her love by using sex as a weapon and avoiding her boyfriend, whose dad is dying and could use her support. Wow, these are some great “values”!
Matt is back on the show, and looks adorable with his short, spiky hair that for once has been washed. OK, I admit it – I have a teenybop crush for Barry Watson. He’s dreamy when he has short hair, and after finishing cancer treatment he named his new dog Hodgkins. He may replace Everwood’s Ephram as my TV boyfriend. Matt’s wife, Sarah, who has peculiar teeth like all tertiary characters on this show, is L-A-T-E. Matt and Sarah talk about it in a supply closet, and Matt is delighted that Sarah may have to drop out of medical school to be a good mummy. He also gets caveman cred by referring to her gynecologist as a “witch doctor.” One of the nurses lets slip to the Reverend that Sarah may be pregnant, and he spends the rest of the episode stalking them mercilessly. However, Sarah is not pregnant, despite the multiple positive results she got on the pregnancy tests. Fun Fact: false negatives are way more common than false positives, because it takes time for the buildup of traceable amounts of the chemical pregnancy tests look for. And getting two, let alone three, false positive tests in a row is virtually impossible. And you can get your period and still be pregnant. So, Sarah is probably indeed preggers. Sorry, this show spreads so much misinformation about sexual health it makes me twitch. Like the “Let’s Talk About Sex” episode a few years ago where Mary and Lucy were basically told that there is NO middle ground between kissing and having sex. Well, guys, there are two women who will never want foreplay! Huzzah!
Tara Lipinski, skating star and creepy blowup doll lookalike, joins the cast as Christine. She’s apparently a classmate of Lucy’s, and needs a place to stay while her apartment is being fumigated. Naturally, Lucy offers up her parents’ house without asking them first. Christine parades around the house in a teeny-tiny tank top and boxer shorts, shakes her modest boobage at Simon, and tries to get him to take her to the prom. She even does a ridiculously pornorific “Oops! I forgot my robe!”, which is almost as porny as “You’re not the usual cabana boy.” Christine seems comfortable in her sexuality, which in the Camden universe means she’s a criminal of some sort.
Neck-of-Steel Cecilia has forever redeemed herself by refusing to go to the prom – because it’s expensive and a hassle. Simon flips at both her disobedience and his own lengthening sideburns (his third look for the season, which Mike has decided is indie-rock. I sorta dug the Eddie Munster slicked-back thing from earlier in the season). Simon decides to take Christine instead.
Annie mentions to Lucy that Sarah might be pregnant. Annie then mentions that birth control doesn’t always work. Oh, sweet Lord in heaven! What a revelation! Annie mentions that she was on the Pill when she got pregnant with the Poddlers. Judging by the clear developmental problems of the Poddlers, I’m going to guess that the “Pill” Annie was taking was OxyContin. Lucy gasps, realizes she’s late, and checks the date on the newspaper. Lucy rubs her tummy (unfortunately she does not pat her head at the same time) and stares heavenward in a state of mute shock and idiocy. I find it hilarious that in Lucy’s 21 years on this earth, and all of the “people who have sex always get pregnant” plotlines they’ve had, that NO ONE has ever told her that birth control isn’t perfect.
Ruthie is stuck with the most grotesque subplot ever. Ruthie spends the first half of the episode having a psychotic break, which is an interesting contrast to her usual mild sociopathy. Eventually, Teeth-to-Spare catches on that it’s Ruthie’s First Period. What follows is more traumatizing than Lucy’s First Period in the pilot episode, wherein the Camdens held a party in her honor, complete with presents. Teeth-to-Spare says that she’s been acting crazy lately, as her womenfolk hormones have taken control. He also says he discussed things with his mom, and that Ruthie’s problem is “girl stuff…as in none of my business.” Good save! Mike says he is going to start using that. And, also, I like that Paris and Teeth-to-Spare have recovered so quickly from Dick that they can discuss Ruthie’s uterus. And that may be the most disgusting sentence I have ever typed. Teeth-to-Spare takes Ruthie to the drugstore to purchase tampons, which is ridiculous on two fronts: no 12-year-old uses tampons instead of pads, and no 12-year-old will go buy them without dying a thousand deaths of embarrassment. Teeth-to-Spare and Ruthie go up to the register, and the cashier greets them by name AND points out to Teeth-to-Spare that this isn’t “his usual brand.” So either Paris sends her son to buy corks, or Teeth-to-Spare buys them for his own amusement. Either option is squicky beyond words. Seriously, I would have rather spent the hour watching Xander getting his eye poked out on Buffy.
Also, Mary repeatedly calls the house to talk to her dad, because she’s “done something stupid.” Aside from returning to this horrible, misinformed show, I don’t know what she’s talking about.
Intentional humor: 2 Unintentional humor: 6 Preachiness: 4 Histrionics: 9 Items thrown at television: 8 Emotional Trauma: 31
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
I ran home from Cinco de Mayo drinks to watch this last night, so you guys better show me some love. Last night on 7th Heaven...
“Dick”, Airdate 5.5.03
The previews for last night’s episode cracked me up: “Things couldn’t be happier in the Camden household (footage of people making out)…but someone across the street could threaten it all!” (shot of Dick driving a Buick ominously, which is a pretty neat trick since Buicks rarely get to be ominous). How exactly does Dick threaten the Camdens? Is he going to remove all of their Snapple from the fridge? Don’t get me started about how the hell a minister’s family can afford a fridge full of Snapples. However, I learned a great deal last night: men are evil, women just want the bling-bling, men are evil because they want sex, Neck-of-Steel Cecilia’s family is weirder than mine, and, oh, men are evil.
In the first Men Are Evil subplot, everyone keeps telling Chandler to go home and see his dad before he dies of lung cancer. Chandler is still angry that his dad cut him off for going into the ministry. Aw, poor widdle adult, having to take care of himself! Both Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard and the Reverend try to bully Chandler into going home, only to find out that Chandler’s dad told him to stay away. Because Men Are Evil and can’t get in touch with their feelings.
As for Women Wanting the Bling-Bling, Chandler is asked to do marriage counseling for a couple named Cathy and Mark. This subplot features the triumphant return of Mayim Bialik as Cathy. Cathy has been engaged 7 times, receiving an assortment of rings, a pig farm and a boat. Hearing Blossom say “I guess the pigs could ride in the boat” somehow made the whole episode worthwhile for me.
But men are mostly the evil people in this episode. Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard tells Chandler that she wants to wait until they get married to have sex, because Lucy talking about her honeymoon made her want to wait. Listening to Lucy talk about her honeymoon would give me dry heaves. However, because men are evil pigs who only want sex, Chandler now wants her more than ever. Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard calls Lucy to gloat about how holding out on her man ensures obedience. Barf.
Neck of Steel Cecilia’s parents announce that they’re going to renew their vows. However, it turns out that her parents were never married in the first place. Cecilia’s head bobs about in shock, and her parents get married before they get seasick just watching her.
Finally, last night’s Very Special Men Are Evil Main Plot: Teeth-to-Spare’s mom, Paris, is engaged to Dick. See Dick threaten Teeth-to-Spare. See Dick be syrupy nice and muscle his way into Teeth-to-Spare's and Paris’ private counseling session with the Reverend. See Dick spend all his time with Paris. See Dick demand that Teeth-to-Spare see a child psychiatrist (I would have gone for an orthodontist). See the Reverend make an appointment with Dr. Gibson. During the counseling session, Dick does most of the talking. Afterwards, Dr. Gibson asks Teeth-to-Spare if Dick ever threatened him.Teeth-to-Spare says that Dick was going to get rid of his dog. Dr. Gibson says that Dick is an abuser, and that getting rid of the dog and the kid would have been smart because animals and children are excellent judges of character. Really, there’s nothing more flattering than comparing human beings to dogs. Dr. Gibson points out that Dick was trying to take control by getting Paris to quit her job, taking responsibility for Toothy McTooth away from her, and being at her house all the time. Paris stares in mute shock as Kevin and the Reverend swoop into the room. Kevin informs the room that Dick is on probation for beating his previous wife, then tells Dick that he is not allowed to contact Paris in any way. Because I can’t think of a better way to build Paris’ self-esteem up than make all her decisions for her. Shouldn’t she be the one telling Dick to stay away from her, rather than letting the menfolk take care of it?
Intentional humor: 4 (Blossom!) Unintentional humor: 5 Preachiness: 10 Histrionics: 3 Items thrown at television: 5
“Dick”, Airdate 5.5.03
The previews for last night’s episode cracked me up: “Things couldn’t be happier in the Camden household (footage of people making out)…but someone across the street could threaten it all!” (shot of Dick driving a Buick ominously, which is a pretty neat trick since Buicks rarely get to be ominous). How exactly does Dick threaten the Camdens? Is he going to remove all of their Snapple from the fridge? Don’t get me started about how the hell a minister’s family can afford a fridge full of Snapples. However, I learned a great deal last night: men are evil, women just want the bling-bling, men are evil because they want sex, Neck-of-Steel Cecilia’s family is weirder than mine, and, oh, men are evil.
In the first Men Are Evil subplot, everyone keeps telling Chandler to go home and see his dad before he dies of lung cancer. Chandler is still angry that his dad cut him off for going into the ministry. Aw, poor widdle adult, having to take care of himself! Both Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard and the Reverend try to bully Chandler into going home, only to find out that Chandler’s dad told him to stay away. Because Men Are Evil and can’t get in touch with their feelings.
As for Women Wanting the Bling-Bling, Chandler is asked to do marriage counseling for a couple named Cathy and Mark. This subplot features the triumphant return of Mayim Bialik as Cathy. Cathy has been engaged 7 times, receiving an assortment of rings, a pig farm and a boat. Hearing Blossom say “I guess the pigs could ride in the boat” somehow made the whole episode worthwhile for me.
But men are mostly the evil people in this episode. Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard tells Chandler that she wants to wait until they get married to have sex, because Lucy talking about her honeymoon made her want to wait. Listening to Lucy talk about her honeymoon would give me dry heaves. However, because men are evil pigs who only want sex, Chandler now wants her more than ever. Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard calls Lucy to gloat about how holding out on her man ensures obedience. Barf.
Neck of Steel Cecilia’s parents announce that they’re going to renew their vows. However, it turns out that her parents were never married in the first place. Cecilia’s head bobs about in shock, and her parents get married before they get seasick just watching her.
Finally, last night’s Very Special Men Are Evil Main Plot: Teeth-to-Spare’s mom, Paris, is engaged to Dick. See Dick threaten Teeth-to-Spare. See Dick be syrupy nice and muscle his way into Teeth-to-Spare's and Paris’ private counseling session with the Reverend. See Dick spend all his time with Paris. See Dick demand that Teeth-to-Spare see a child psychiatrist (I would have gone for an orthodontist). See the Reverend make an appointment with Dr. Gibson. During the counseling session, Dick does most of the talking. Afterwards, Dr. Gibson asks Teeth-to-Spare if Dick ever threatened him.Teeth-to-Spare says that Dick was going to get rid of his dog. Dr. Gibson says that Dick is an abuser, and that getting rid of the dog and the kid would have been smart because animals and children are excellent judges of character. Really, there’s nothing more flattering than comparing human beings to dogs. Dr. Gibson points out that Dick was trying to take control by getting Paris to quit her job, taking responsibility for Toothy McTooth away from her, and being at her house all the time. Paris stares in mute shock as Kevin and the Reverend swoop into the room. Kevin informs the room that Dick is on probation for beating his previous wife, then tells Dick that he is not allowed to contact Paris in any way. Because I can’t think of a better way to build Paris’ self-esteem up than make all her decisions for her. Shouldn’t she be the one telling Dick to stay away from her, rather than letting the menfolk take care of it?
Intentional humor: 4 (Blossom!) Unintentional humor: 5 Preachiness: 10 Histrionics: 3 Items thrown at television: 5
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