Friday, February 08, 2008

Why I Shouldn't Be Allowed in Nice Restaurants: The Season Finale

I exploited my status as a weekend Baltimorean to squeeze in one last Restaurant Week dinner, at Brass Elephant.

Brass Elephant is the most awesomely awesome TGIFriday’s in the whole entire universe.

The food is mediocrity reimagined as fine art. The chain restaurant standards were there: salad with fried cheese on it (it ain’t a salad until it’s been dunked in hot oil!), meat on top of gooey cheesy rice, and a McDonald’s apple pie tarted up with fancy ice cream. (That last line wasn’t an insult, I’d shank my own mother for a McDonald’s apple pie.) It was all really, really tasty, but in a sort of endearing way. Essentially, this place would have been a smash hit back in Woodbridge.

Our server, Patrick, treated us as if we were long-lost cousins/people who have never been to a restaurant before. His entire vibe was sort of Todd-from-Office Space, minus the pieces of flair or the Jalapeno Poppers. He even called me "dude" once, which is a new frontier in fine dining.

The eavesdropping was fairly impressive. To our right, we had a table of two couples, having dinner before heading to a fraternity semiformal. One of the most pervasive gender clich├ęs is that women have to go to the bathroom in pairs. Now, of course, guys, this is so we can talk about you behind your backs. What had never occurred to me was what y’all are up to while we’re away:

Guy 1: I think it’s going very well.
Guy 2: I think your girl is hotter.


A few moments later….

Guy 1: I don’t think we should have let the girls pick the wine.
Guy 2: Yeah, that did kind of make us look like pussies.


A few moments after that…

Guy 1: I think my girl is hotter.

Best of all, it was half-price wine night and Tim was driving. Woo! Also, they’ll cork up your leftover wine for you and let you take it home. Oh, and the other best-of-all: no bouncy purple eggs.

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