1. If I had a bucket list of items guaranteed to shoot me straight to Hades, I would have crossed off at least half of them last weekend.
2. Have you ever vomited hot coffee by the side of a road in New Gloucester, Maine?
3. Hallmark does not make an apology card stylish enough to express the regret, "I'm sorry I got sick in your tent."
4. Maine is the South of the North: everyone is terribly nice, they like their trucks and their dogs, and most of all, they love their beer.
5. Keep a close eye on your camera when your drunk tablemate is wearing a kilt. You may get a nasty surprise.
6. He went into that tent a NASCAR boy, he came out of that tent a NASCAR man.
7. When I feel a little low, when I feel a little ashamed, I just have to remind myself that I have never motorboated a pregnant woman. I'm also a little ashamed that I didn't think of that one myself.
8. I did, however, apparently get in a catfight over blankets while both I and my opponent were completely asleep.
9. When the tiny private plane hits turbulence over a graveyard, and there's a funeral going on, there's only one lesson you can learn: turn around! Unfortunately for the state of Maine, we kept on going.
10. I always thought of myself as an impressive drinker. Then I went to Maine.
Since any and all of those sentences give you the gist of the most awesome weekend I've had since the last time I went to a wedding where the groom and one of the guests went joyriding in a golfcart using a cellphone as a flashlight, and people played volleyball in formalwear, and one of the guests showered while drinking a beer, and this sentence is a glorious run-on as it is, I will instead close this post with a song:
Toddy, by Black Taxi. No song better encapuslates my weekend. NSFW due to the fact that most of the comprehensible lyrics are f-bombs, aside from a reference to scratching a truck, and because such unrelenting awesomeness cannot be confined to a cubicle.