Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Weekend in Maine, or, What Happens When You Mix Microbrews with Floor Tequila

Opening sentences I contemplated using for this blog post:

1. If I had a bucket list of items guaranteed to shoot me straight to Hades, I would have crossed off at least half of them last weekend.

2. Have you ever vomited hot coffee by the side of a road in New Gloucester, Maine?

3. Hallmark does not make an apology card stylish enough to express the regret, "I'm sorry I got sick in your tent."

4. Maine is the South of the North: everyone is terribly nice, they like their trucks and their dogs, and most of all, they love their beer.

5. Keep a close eye on your camera when your drunk tablemate is wearing a kilt. You may get a nasty surprise.

6. He went into that tent a NASCAR boy, he came out of that tent a NASCAR man.

7. When I feel a little low, when I feel a little ashamed, I just have to remind myself that I have never motorboated a pregnant woman. I'm also a little ashamed that I didn't think of that one myself.

8. I did, however, apparently get in a catfight over blankets while both I and my opponent were completely asleep.

9. When the tiny private plane hits turbulence over a graveyard, and there's a funeral going on, there's only one lesson you can learn: turn around! Unfortunately for the state of Maine, we kept on going.

10. I always thought of myself as an impressive drinker. Then I went to Maine.

Since any and all of those sentences give you the gist of the most awesome weekend I've had since the last time I went to a wedding where the groom and one of the guests went joyriding in a golfcart using a cellphone as a flashlight, and people played volleyball in formalwear, and one of the guests showered while drinking a beer, and this sentence is a glorious run-on as it is, I will instead close this post with a song:

Toddy, by Black Taxi. No song better encapuslates my weekend. NSFW due to the fact that most of the comprehensible lyrics are f-bombs, aside from a reference to scratching a truck, and because such unrelenting awesomeness cannot be confined to a cubicle.


Nichole Stevens said...

Hey now, my friend Michelle (the "pregnant lady") really enjoyed being motorboated. I'm just sayin... GOOD TIMES!

Brando said...

I wasn't sure who I was supposed to give the tips to when I saw that...

Shannon said...

Nichole - I'm just bummed that I didn't think to do that! I'm also bummed I didn't balance my beer on her belly, as I tend to do that to pregnant people.

Mark said...

You'd be surprised how well an iPhone works as a headlight for a golf cart, and shower beers are coming back, you just wait, they're not just for collegiates anymore!

Mr. J said...

You've never taken a beer into the shower before? Amateur.

Shannon said...

Brando - I'm just bummed I didn't see it! Or maybe I did?

Mark - It would have been even funnier if you guys had recruited volunteers to run ahead of you with iPhone flashlights/

Mr. J - I have, but generally I don't do that before lunch.

One Blonde Girl said...

Sounds like a weekend I've had before. Many, many times. Hallmark should def come out with a line of drunk apology cards. Like, "Sorry I tried to make out with you" or "Sorry I barfed in your bathtub" or "Sorry I outlined all the reasons why I thought you were guy to a group of people". Good times.

Jamie said...

What happens in a tent in the Maine woods, really should stay in a tent in the Maine woods.

Glad you enjoyed your time in my home state!

Shannon said...

OBG - Ideally, we'd buy them in advance, and hand them out in the midst of the sorry behavior.

Jamie - Thanks! In your honor, I waved hello to the sign for Brunswick. I'm just not sure if that's before or after I horked by the side of the road.