Monday, March 23, 2009

Crap Movie Sunday, the Center of My Sense of Self

One of the nicest things about being single is that I can embrace all of my old traditions and habits. My habits are not compatible with, well, being compatible with anyone who is even remotely normal and/or sane. So when I'm in a relationship, I'm much less of a Quirky McWeirdo. It's sad, really.

Take Crap Movie Sunday. Oh, Crap Movie Sunday, I missed you most of all!

There is something wonderful about rounding out the weekend with a big bowl of goulash and the very worst that cinema has to offer. The criteria for a Crap Movie: zero intellectual vitamins, plotting that could permanently power the Heart of Gold, and the sort of casting that makes you wonder if it was all a case of casting couch, crossed with Faustian bargain, and a mild case of the stupids.

I mean, really, 3000 Miles to Graceland? Kurt Russell, Kevin Costner, and Christian Slater knock over a casino dressed as Elvis impersonators, and that’s the part that makes the most sense. And let’s not even get into the only female character, a trashy single mom played by…Courtney Cox. Leaving her son in the care of an Evil Elvis was just the tip of the child endangerment iceberg. In fact, her role was so wildly anti-woman that I wanted to find the screenwriter, seat him on a comfortable leather couch, and ask him to tell me about his mother.

Where was I? Oh, Sunday night’s feature. Flash Gordon. I fell irrevocably and madly in love with this film in the first 30 seconds. Ming the Merciless, picking out natural disasters from a menu on his dashboard. “Hot Hail” might have been my favorite.

Flash and Dale randomly crash their plane into a field, which just so happens to be owned by a mad scientist, who just so happens to need to take some people into outer space in the rocket he so conveniently keeps in his backyard. And the rocket just so happens to land on Ming’s planet, and Ming’s daughter conveniently falls in love with Flash…and, oh, I’m not going to ruin it for you. Just imagine a bunch of screenwriters playing 52 Pick-Up with random scribbles of dialogue. Or, picture the thousand monkeys churning this out to warm up for Hamlet.

Anyhow, see it. It’s glorious.

In the comments, tell me if you’re coming over for next Sunday’s feature: The Last Unicorn. Mia Farrow as that most narcissistic of mythical beasts, completely trippy villains, and more estrogen than you can wave an EPT stick at. Or, suggest some Crap Movies for me to watch.


Malnurtured Snay said...

Let me know when you schedule "Big Trouble in Little China."

Lemmonex said...

I will wave my EPT Gold stick at it. Gold is where it is at.

Shannon said...

Snay - Never seen that one, but I'm sure I'll have to add that to the queue.

Lemmonex - Just so long as it's not a used EPT stick. You know how much that skeeves me out.

Ibid said...

"Death Spa" - I saw a trailer for it years ago and have been looking for a copy on and off ever since.

"Jesus Christ - Vampire Hunter" - seriously. A musical horror comedy about ... well, the title pretty well tells it.

"Dead Alive (a.k.a. Braindead)" - By the guy who brought you the Lord of the Rings trilogy this tells the story about a guy whose mother is bitten by a rat-monkey and launches a zombie endemic. About 10-15 minutes in your gag reflex shuts down from overuse and you can spend the rest of the movie laughing your ass off.

JFo said...

I think the all Queen soundtrack is what puts Flash in the pantheon of crap movies.

This is a great habit/activity. Since you asked, here are some recs:

1. The Program (I hate that they cut out the "lie down in traffic scene"; the movie is so horribly dated now that I have a whole new horrible appreciation of it)

2.The Ah-nold '80s holy trinity - Predator, The Running Man, Commando (Each of these movies is highly quotable. Best to watch with friends and then quote ad nauseum. I may or may not have a running joke with a college roommate that Predator is actually a documentary)

3. The Karate Kid Parts II & III (NOT including the original since it is a cinematic masterpiece)

Jamie said...

Big Trouble In Little China is my favorite movie of all time. I am not kidding. It is impossible to watch that movie without laughing hysterically.

Egg Chen: Time for the medicine!
Jack Burton: This does what again exactly?
Egg Chen: Huge buzz!

I think I saw part of Flash Gordon eons ago and couldn't get through it because I had an underdeveloped sense of campiness appreciation. Since then I have learned to embrace and, in fact, love the cheese. I must watch it again.

LiLu said...

We watched "LEGEND" this weekend.

Nuff said.

Shannon said...

Ibid - I just really, really cannot do horror films. I wasn't properly desensitized as a child, so I can't abide gore.

JFo - What about the Hilary Swank as the Karate Kid one? I bet that's classic, too.

Jamie - Oh, you totally missed out. At one point I actually hurt myself laughing (probably when Flash was confusing the guards by...playing football with them). And Big Trouble in Little China is totally going on the list.

LiLu - I just had a genius idea - Legend AND the Last Unicorn! A unicorn double feature! Hurrah.

FoggyDew said...

Can't believe you watched Flash Gordon yesterday and didn't call me. Arrrrrgggghhhh! If you have this on disc I wanna borrow. Please?

Anyway, one word: Xanadu. Can you really beat ONJ and Gene Kelly on roller skates?

Shannon said...

Foggy - I know! I'm a rotten friend. Well, I'm sure I'll Netflix it again sometime.

And, I OWN Xanadu. And the soundtrack. And I don't care what anyone thinks.

Katherine said...

May I suggest making May Madonna Month?

Who's That Girl
Swept Away
Desperately Seeking Susan
Dick Tracy

Shannon said...

K - Yes, but you will have to come over and rub my back every time I get a case of hysterical heebie-jeebie hiccups.

Michael said...

"Convoy" (1978), a bunch of truckers use their CB radios to form a mile long "convoy" in support of a trucker's vendetta with an abusive sheriff. Starring Kris Kirstoferson and Ali MacGraw, who display their finest acting talents, which is none too good at their best, but that's Hollywood.

You will love me forever.


Ibid said...

Not a movie, but truly awful.
Japanese Spiderman

Shannon said...

Michael - You had me at "trucker vendetta."

Ibid - I just. couldn't. do. it. I'm sorry.

bh said...

"The Last Boyscout". A Bruce Willis guns-and-one-liners flick from the early eighties about cheating in pro football. Bonus: Damon Wayans!!

"Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man" Mickey Rourke and Don Johnson in a bank robbery movie. I don't really need to say anything else

"The Vanishing Point" (1971 version) Ok. This one is actually considered a cult film, but it's combination of trippy visuals, Cleavon Little as a blind radioman, and Barry Newman playing a speed addled ex cop trying to delivery a 1970 Dodge Challenger to San Fransisco is practically the stuff of weekend day movies.

bh said...

Whoops, Last Boyscout was early NINETIES.

Tina said...

I LOVE Flash gorden. I know the entire dialog. My brother Phil and I watch it and say all the lines out loud - just a second or two before the on screen character does. Fabulous choice!!