Interview with a Misfire

The lovely, audacious, and charming cooker-with-a-heart-of-gold Lemmonex sent me five interview questions, mostly so I could have yet another cheesy rhyming post title. (At least I didn't call it Interview with a Quagmire, or Interview with a Pismire...thank you, Free Online Rhyming Dictionary, the Official Free Rhyming Dictionary of Disaffected Scanner Jockey!)

1--People poke fun at your height and you are an incredibly good sport about it. What is the best response/comeback you have for people who want to put you in their handbags?

I threaten to eat their lip gloss. Mmmmm, waxy.

2--What is the worst thing about living with someone?

When they sell your jewelry for drug money. Or when they can’t decide if they want to stay with their boyfriend, Wayne, or throw him over for his identical twin, Dwayne. Or when they adopt a puppy from a cardboard box on a street corner, which barks and whines and keeps you up all night right before your big job interview.

Incidentally, this was all the same roommate. In a one-month period. I moved out.

3-- I cannot believe I don't know this. What is your favorite food?

Beer. Is beer a food?

Ok, fine. A Carolina pulled pork sandwich, with a ton of vinegar sauce, topped with slaw, on a really flimsy and cheap white bread bun which will immediately crumble, so my meal will ooze all over the plate, my fingers, and hopefully all of the Washington media market.

And I may want a beer with that sandwich.

4-- 90210 or Dawson's Creek?

Good question! I’ve given this a lot of thought.

Really. I have!

The shows had a lot of overlap: odiously sanctimonious male lead (Brandon/Dawson), Little Ms. Perfect female lead who was actually a stuck-up bitch queen (Joey/Kelly), and the trashy bad girl who gets hers when she dies of a vaguely Victorian heart ailment/is exiled to London/is exiled to Buffalo (Jen/Brenda/Valerie).

But 90210 had some of the most hilariously tragic moments in television history. Tori Spelling getting chucked down a staircase. Kelly as her boozy mom's enabler/getting hooked on diet pills/almost dying in a fire/joining a cult/wearing a micro-mini during a daytime lunch with her dad/being stalked by a lesbian/shooting the crap out of her rapist. And never, ever forget the tragic death of the Noxzema Girl.

I mean, really. Who can care about Abby chucking herself off a pier when you've got ten seasons of Trainwreck Kelly?

5-- If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?

Nothing. And I don’t mean that in an egotistical way. I damn sure know that I have flaws: I talk too much, I bore too easily, I’m nosy, and I still haven’t figured out how to open a jar or use a lighter. But I need those imperfections. We all do, it gives us ways to grow, so we never get bored. Also, I’ve never met a perfect person whom I didn’t want to stab with a letter opener.

Wait, new answer! Can I have a mutant superpower? That would rock.

If you’d like to play along, just follow these instructions:

1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.

3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. Be sure you link back to the original post.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.