Thursday, November 06, 2008

My Failed Marriage Has No Market Value

I spent my 32nd birthday as the good Lord intended. Hungover, and trying to sell off the detritus of my failed marriage.

I went up to Friendship Heights to attend a jewelry and precious metals purchasing event. Picture Antiques Roadshow without the cameras. Picture crusty grandmas with the dinner plates that belonged to THEIR crusty grandmas, used to hold generations of depressing butterscotch candies. Picture taking a number, sitting down, and waiting as the woman next to you frets and frets until you can feel your blood pressure screaming for mercy.

Eventually, my number was called. I sat down across from a really adorable 12-year-old buyer who looked like he’d been bussed in special from the local jeweler magnet school.

Buyer: And what do you have today?
Me: It’s a wedding set, 18 karat white gold, from an upscale jeweler in Bogota. I’ve included the certificate and the receipt.
Buyer: It’s very clean.
Me: That’s because it’s been in that box for several years. I do take it out every divorceaversary, place it in the center of my floor, and do a tribal dance of joy to celebrate my freedom.
Buyer: And how does that work?
Me: Pretty well. Except when I don’t get my left leg exactly right, and it rains for the next three days.
Buyer: Ah. So, here’s the bad news. The stone is smaller than what we’re looking for, and we don’t really resell wedding rings unless they’re antique.
Me: You mean people aren’t clamoring for jinxed wedding sets?
Buyer: No, at least, not ones with a small center stone.
Me: I knew I should have let my ex buy me a bigger ring. Next time around, I’ll be more materialistic.
Buyer: So, basically, we’d break this down and sell it for parts. Like a Buick.
Me: Or a dead body. And how much are these parts worth?
Buyer: If I make you an offer, you’ll be insulted.
Me: I guarantee I’ll be amused, not insulted, by whatever offer you make.
Buyer: $125.

You know, I almost did it. Just so I could frame that $125 check and hang it up on my wall.

17 comments:

HP said...

One word: Ebay.

LiLu said...

If it rains today, I'm blaming you. Second ebay. Or actually, have you ever seen the website where ex-wives and girlfriends auction off their ex-jewelry? They tell the story too. It's quite amusing:

http://www.exboyfriendjewelry.com/

Shannon said...

HP - Or Craiglist.

LiLu - My divorceaversary is back in June. If it does rain today, it's just the angels weeping over our election of a godless Democrat.

Ibid said...

I was a bit confused at first. I thought you were selling your wedding china instead of your wedding rings.

I've got a friend who used to be a jewelry maker. He made the rings for he and his wife. He said that if I can get him a laboratory made diamond to play with he'll make the rings for me when my time comes up many, many years from now. Since those places don't generally sell the diamonds separately I'll probably have to buy their ring and let my man break it down and reform it.

DeBeers be damned.

Anonymous said...

The story is symbolic of my failed marriage in general. You get broken down into little parts and then people bargain over your scraps in the jewelry show called the dating world.

Doug said...

divorceaversary - I love it. We should get a group of us together so we can all talk about our failed marriages... err wait, that sounds pathetic. Nevermind... I still have my old ring too, and I'm not sure what to do with it. Its titanium, so I can't destroy it. Hmmm

Shannon said...

Ibid - I think you can buy loose diamonds off BlueNile.com.

Anon - And my scraps are worth $125. Yay.

Doug - I bet if we all wished really hard, we could destroy your ring!

lacochran said...

You never get a decent price on diamond resale. Sorry. Consider dismantling your "precious" and having the diamond set into something you like (pendant, different style of ring, etc).

CreoleInDC said...

Try Dieners in Northwest. http://www.dienerjewelers.com/ They are very fair and I buy stuff from them all the time. I don't work for them...just passing on good information.

Smooches!

Cyn said...

http://www.idonowidont.com/

bh said...

Marriage is overrated. It didn't work for me.

I'll raise a glass to your divorceaversary.

I have no idea what happened to the blood diamond I bought. It's probably for the best...

Shannon said...

Lacochran - I thought about getting the stone reset, but I'd really just rather have some money. I'm not a big jewelry person.

Creole - Thanks! I'll check and see if they take consignments.

Cyn - Thank you!

BH - Acutally, I took your blood diamond and had it reset into a belly button ring.

Simon Burke said...

is there any gold in it, i love the Cash4Gold.com commercials - apparently its become a thing where bitter women have parties together to find their gold they dont want and send it away to be melted for cash.

LiLu said...

I miss your e-face :-(

Tina said...

I had mine broken down and make into necklace earrings and then gave them away as gifts to girlfriends my ex hated. It was super fun and savend me some christmas cash.

Shannon said...

Simon - My bitter women and I prefer to melt down our men and sell their kidneys for cash.

LiLu - I'll be back soon, I promise.

Tina - That's sort of fabulous.

Velvet said...

I love this Shannon!!!