Every Time You See Underpants, DRINK!

My greatest discovery in Colombia hasn’t been the food or culture, or even the people, it’s how the music videos are so awesomely awesome that I can’t tear myself away. We’ve got HTV, "Este Es Musica Latina!" Roughly translated, "We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Clothes!" Here’s an alphabetized field guide to some of my favorites:

Bisbol, David is from Spain. He has pretty, bouncy girl-curls, which he plays with often. His songs are operatic and have titles like "Desnudate Mujer" (Honest-to-God translation: "Get Naked, Woman"). He’s always overwrought about something, and his videos always feature West Side Story dance-fights in bullrings, or at the very least, plenty of nudity.

Café Tacuba are Mexican art-rockers. Expect a lot of acid references, rather than sexual ones. This makes them unique in the Latino music world.

Chayanne is Puerto Rican, and his videos can make even the happiest person in the world want to leap off a balcony. My favorite is the one where he and his daughter drive for 12 hours to visit his wife’s grave. The depressing part isn’t finding out that the wife is actually dead, but that she’s buried in a cornfield in the middle of nowhere, and doesn’t even get her name on a headstone. Chayanne’s a jerk of a pseudo-widower.

Ferro, Tiziano is actually Italian, but he often sings in Spanish. He’s always in a café somewhere, smoking pensively and exuding the sexy. He wears more leather than a dominatrix.

La Oreja de Van Gogh are from Spain and follow the Blondie/No Doubt formula. Put a striking and fashionable woman out front and let her sing. Meanwhile the guys show up in t-shirts and count their money.

Mago de Oz: I've never been able to sit through one of their videos, but they're still something I want to share with the world. Why, you ask? They're a Spanish-language Celtic band. Uh, yeah.

Martin, Ricky: his Spanish-language videos are awesome. He’s always damp, half-dressed and writhing on a nightclub floor. I’m not sure if it’s sexy so much as unhygienic.

Nosequien y Los Nosequantos are unattractive men hovering on the brink of middle age. But don’t worry, their low-budget videos always have at least a dozen 20-year-old girls, dancing suggestively in miniskirts. They’ll also have a blonde get in and out of a bathtub three times per video (I call her "The Cleanest Girl in the World"). Count on lots of footage of the girlies leaning forward so you can see down their tops, spinning their skirts so you can see their panties, or cuddling one another.

Rubio, Paulina is a teeny little Mexican whose videos are softcore set to music. She’s the only petite woman I know of who can carry off sexy clothes. Personally, I always wind up looking like Jodie Foster’s character in Taxi Driver. Her most recent video features her writhing inside a bulldozer, wearing nothing but caution tape and some yellow panties. This same video features firehoses, suggestive jackhammer dances and a lot of girl-on-girl dancing.

Tisuby y Georgina: I have yet to figure out which one is Tisuby and which one is Georgina. They both dance around in skimpy outfits to poorly counterfeited Stones riffs. They’re rebels, or, like, something.