First, I apologize for not sending out a 7th Heaven update last week. I was frantically busy with both settling my medical clearance and helping Roxanne get ready for her wedding.

“I Wasn’t Expecting That!” Airdate October 6, 2003

I wasn’t expecting this show to be quite so awful. The last few episodes of mere mediocrity had lulled me into sleep.

We now have a new character, named Martin, who brings the Credits Grand Total to 15. Assuming an episode is 43 minutes long, that’s 2.86-bar-repeating minutes per character. No wonder this show makes no sense. There’s no time to establish anything for these characters.

Martin is a high school student who follows Ruthie and Teeth-to-Spare home from school and spends the day lounging in the Camden living room, watching people come and go. He’s already perfected the Camden stalking talent. At 8:53, we discover his dad is in Iraq, and that we Americans have been neglecting our servicemen. We get to hear Martin pontificate about it, as the Reverend babbles about how he’s going to pray for the troops. So, rather than telling Americans to open a newspaper, get off their lazy asses, and have a faint clue what’s happening in the world, the Camdens allow us to nod sympathetically and perhaps pray once in a while. If we feel up to it.

Ruthie and Teeth-to-Spare construct a coal mine out of licorice and bicker. Ruthie at one point actually says to Teeth-to-Spare, “I know I’m being a negative pill. I love your positive attitude.” What the hell kind of tween says that sort of thing? Pill? Did we take a wrong turn and wind up in a Trixie Belden mystery novel? Are the Bob-Whites of the Glen going to solve the mystery of whether Ruthie is adopted? (10 points to whoever gets the reference.) Ruthie also finally asks Peter why he calls her “honey” and “sweetie”, which is, to me anyway, a bizarre speech habit for a preteen. Peter says it’s because that’s what he calls all the “women in his life.” Exactly how many women in his life does he have?

Simon has decided to go away to college a year early, because of the Tertiary Corpse Blood on the Highway incident. However, since he only has 2.86-bar-repeating minutes to grieve, Tertiary Corpse is not even mentioned and Simon mainly slumps around the house looking for sympathy. So much for that semi-interesting plot, and so much for Simon.

Kevin the Evil Robot gets beat up on a domestic disturbance case, allowing for several brand-new and not so interesting slams against women. Turns out that he got beat up protecting Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard, because she is the “weaker partner”. Also, Lucy announces that the fact that Kevin is a “man” and “protects women” makes her horny. Seriously, she tells him that it “turns her on”. Yick. And in, quite possibly, the yuckiest moment of this show’s history, Kevin tells the Reverend that “Lucy and I haven’t had sex since I got beat up.” EW! Apparently he feels like “less of a man.” If Matt EVER said something like that to my dad, I’d be in a widow in less than five minutes. By my own hand.

Finally, in-law Rabbi Glass, perhaps the most irritating Richard Lewis incarnation ever, comes to visit. Turns out he caught his wife kissing the cantor, so he babbles gratingly, drinks beer, and shoves his tongue down Mrs. Camden’s throat. At 8:53, Mrs. Glass comes to visit him at the pool hall and tells him it was a misunderstanding. And in case anyone misunderstands and doesn’t know they’re Jewish, Mrs. Glass announces there are some latkes waiting on the stove. With the way this show portrays Jews, they’ll probably eat the latkes by a menorah and say “oy” a lot.

Intentional humor: 3 Unintentional humor: 8 Preachiness: 12 (anytime these people go near issues, disaster strikes) Histrionics: 4 Items thrown at television: 3 Emotional Trauma: 10