Before we get to 7th Heaven, I'd like to make a few announcements. The move proceeds apace, and I've even gotten rid of some of the furniture. I've also found a lot of bizarre things, like a bunch of twin-size sheet sets (I haven't slept on a twin bed in 6 years). The next step is a yellow fever vaccination, which should be a riot of upturned intestines.

Speaking of upturned intestines, my going away festivities are set for 8 p.m. this Saturday, October 25th at Gordon Biersch. It's near the Chinatown Metro stop at 9th and G NW. Come one and all for big beers and my last chance to hang in a bar where they check your ID rather than your orifices. (Not really, but you do get patted down before you enter a club in Bogota). I'd love to see all of you one last time before I go. Email if you have questions.

Also, as next week's 7th Heaven is a repeat, this will be my last recap for a while. Want to keep the site alive? I'm taking volunteers to record the show and mail it to me in Bogota. Volunteers may submit three words or phrases of their choice for me to include in a recap. Aluminum siding? Weapons of Ass Destruction? You're not the usual cabana boy? Whatever, it's in. Email me for details.

Here's some other crap shows I watch, and would love episodes of to recap:

Mutant X, "Pretty People Pretend to Have Plots"
One Tree Hill, "Pretty People Who Love Basketball and Hate Their Daddies"
The O.C., "Pretty People Talk About How Hard It Is to Be Rich, Young and White"
Tarzan, "Travis Fimmel/Tarzan Removes Clothing, and Jane Is Cross-Eyed and Dumb"

Finally, back to the upturned intestines. Here's this week's 7th Heaven rundown.

"Charity Begins At Home", Airdate October 20, 2003

On the plus side? No narration over still photos. On the minus side? Everything else.

Last night's episode began with the Reverend invoking September 11th (AGAIN) as an opportunity for his congregation to employ themselves in self-serving, parade boat, look-at-me activism. Everyone's supposed to figure out a project that will help others.

Ruthie decides that her "project" is to befriend a new girl at school, Jill, who is Musleeem (seriously, everyone on this show pronounces it Musleeem). We're treated to 7th Heaven's 8th PSA about how we shouldn't pick on Muslims. We're also treated to the idea that it's OK to treat human beings as pet projects.

Kevin decides to start a neighborhood watch, yawn, and Lucy decides to rejoin Habitat for Humanity. They bicker, they make out, and they make me realize that kissing is perhaps the most revolting noise on Earth. Smack, slobber, squish. Eeeew.

Neck of Steel Cecilia gets bangs, which makes her squishy face look even more ridiculous. She decides to more or less raise the Poddlers while Annie's off taking care of Alzheimer Grandpa. Cecilia and Annie get in a phone smackdown, they apologize, and Annie calls Cecilia the Answer to Her Prayers. Dear God: I'd like a blond around the house that makes me look halfway attractive and fashion-conscious. Prayer granted!

Chandler and Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard both volunteer for the same youth organization, and help troubled teens by making out, breaking up, and basically wearing signs around their necks that say, "Don't Turn Out Like Me". The people on this show are the most selfish activists I've ever seen.

Finally, the Reverend decides that his project will be to tell Contrivance Carlos, Mary's husband, to fly all the way from New York to come to dinner. When Carlos arrives, he gets a big fat speech about how he's part of the family now. Geez, how incredibly manipulative to shame your son-in-law into a last minute, cross-country trip. Yuck. Selflessness? Selfishness? To the Reverend, if they sound the same, they ARE the same.

Oh, and at 8:53, Wynonna sings, the Poddlers pray in unison, and I look to my yellow fever shot as sweet, sweet relief.

Intentional humor: 0 Unintentional humor: 4 Preachiness: 10 Histrionics: 7 Items thrown at television: 2 Emotional Trauma: 5