Well, it's been a banner week. Hyperbole Isabel rolled through with nary a power outage or downed tree (perhaps because Southwest has no trees). In fact, the finest entertainment offered was the neighbors who did not bring their patio furniture in. Watching lawn chairs race one another down the block was wonderful for the spirit.

In other news, my beloved temp agency has been unable to furnish me with work. Also, I pulled a muscle in my neck last night, rendering me completely unable of moving my head. I’ve spent most of the day lying very, very still and popping Advil. All of this brings us to an interesting question: Have you ever watched daytime television while physically incapable of shaking your head in disbelief? “I wish Sharon Osbourne would just shut…YOWCH!”

Speaking of pain, here’s the 7th Heaven rundown:

“An Early Fall, Part II”, Airdate Sept. 21, 2003

Last night, we paid a visit to Bizarro Glenoak, where Mary’s still an idiot, but Lucy is likable, people actually think things over before marrying each other, and someone feeds the Poddlers.

Mary’s big secret is revealed: she’s married to Carlos, the Homeless Hispanic, and she finally gets up the balls to tell her parents. However, Carlos finds out that she’d planned on annulling the marriage at first and mumbles in Spanish. Apparently Hispanics do that when they’re angry. I half expected Mary to hand him little household trinkets to break, like they did on “I Love Lucy”. Carlos refers to her as “loco”, which is of course grammatically incorrect (she’s a she, and therefore “loca”). What annoys me further is that Mary assumes “loco” means “chicken”, because of the Pollo Loco chicken chain. So, not only is she abysmally stupid, she also thinks “Livin’ La Vida Loca” was about chickens. Which, by the way, would have been awesome.

The whole family babbles about that rebellious Mary, who toilet-papered the school gym three years ago, which is like the worse thing EVER. Except not: does anyone really care? (Considering that entire plotline was punishment for Jessica Biel’s booby photos in Gear, I especially don’t care. Viva Boobies Libre!) Mary’s also pregnant, so prepare yourselves for the inevitable “will the baby be Protestant or Catholic?” episode. Because the infallibility of the Pope shows up in ultrasounds.

In other Camden-rific news, Ruthie still creeps me out, Lucy and Kevin decide against having a baby, and the Poddlers say that elopement is the worst thing ever (clearly they haven’t seen the photos of my kickass Elvis Wedding). Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard and Chandler break up, because she’s not ready to be a preacher’s wife. I notice for the first time that Chandler has a bit more junk in his trunk than at the beginning of the summer. He looks positively bloaty. Speaking of bloat, there are now 14 people in the credits (including Happy the dog and 7 non-Camdens). Indeed, the non-Camdens have credit-conquered the Camdens. There’s cast bloat, and then there’s a cast that’s so bloated it has to be removed from its house with a crane.

Finally, the family reassures Simon over and over that he’s not responsible for the Blood on the Highway incident. Simon’s not so sure, and he wants to “test out” of high school.

Sadly, this episode lacked much snark potential, as it wasn’t mind-bendingly dreadful.

However, here’s a snarky poll to amuse you:

Blood on the Highway

How can we convince Simon that the accident wasn't his fault? Tertiary Corpse has had "adult relations" Tertiary Corpse drank half-beers and disrespected his parents Tertiary Corpse listened to the wicked rap music Tertiary Corpse trashed the school gymnasium Tertiary Corpse posed half-naked in Gear Current Results

Intentional humor: 7 Unintentional humor: 3 Preachiness: 6 Histrionics: 9 Items thrown at television: 3 Emotional Trauma: 4