Thursday, April 10, 2003

OK, so last night I was going to do laundry, wash dishes, and watch American Idol. One out of three ain't bad.

Last night on American Idol:

Ruben is wearing the damn 205 jerseys again. This week's group sing was an Up With People-fied version of "All Night Long" by Lionel Richie, including I-have-a-wedgie foot-stomp-wriggle-stomp choreography. Clay and Carmen avoided dancing by cuddling in a corner. Carmen, honey, Clay's not into girls. Accept it.

Kelly Clarkson sang her new (SPLAT! WHACK!) "hit", "Miss Independent", which sounds eerily like the female portion of Duran Duran's "Come Undone". Next up is a bizarre Ford commercial of Ruben in a tux, singing "Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car" to Carmen, whose voice is so dubbed she may as well be in a ninja movie.

The results:
Clay "The Most Humble Eyelashes in Showbiz" Aiken is safe.
Ruben "205 is the Essence of My Soul" Studdard is safe.
Josh "Support Our Troops by Voting for the Chubby Guy Singing Badly in Glendale" Gracin is safe, and will be forever and ever, no matter how awful he is. Oh, and you can lose the twang, Josh. You're from Michigan.
Trenyce "Lashundra is Dead To Me" OneName is safe.
Carmen "Slap Myself on the Ass and Warble" Rasmussen is safe.
The bottom 3 are Kimberly Caldwell, Kimberley Locke, and Rickey Smith. Both Kims are reprieved, and Rickey is sacrificed.

From the way people cry when contestants are eliminated, you'd think they were being led off to their deaths. Actually, I think contestants are murdered after the show, so Paula can stay young by bathing in their blood.

Rickey's farewell video features duck-feeding and "Flowers for Algernon" maudlin sentimentality. I didn't like Rickey, but he can sort of sing, and Carmen is flat-out dreadful. How is she still on my TV? Vote below.

American Idol Conspiracy Theories

How the hell is no-talent Carmen still stinking up my TV every week?

Her Mormon underpants protect her from harm

She's a necessary part of the program as Clay's beard

Goats have access to telephones and believe she is their leader

Americans are dumber than even the French think we are

Frenchie Davis is off in a secret hideaway, voting for Carmen and laughing maniacally

Carmen's eerie resemblance to a blowup doll is garnering votes from hard-up teenage boys

She knows Juanita AND cares about the chirren

Fox is the second gunman on the grassy knoll. I cry conspiracy!

The terrorists have won

What do you mean? She has a wonderful voice! ASSIMILATE! ASSIMILATE!

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