A few announcements: I tried to watch Mr. Personality for you guys, but in spite of the name, no one had any personality on this show and I had to turn it off halfway through. Though I will say that I want to date the 28-year-old NFL Mascot. Also, the site of the week belongs to Kurt. Finally, 7th Heaven showrunner Brenda Hampton stated in an interview that Lucy and Kevin are getting married because three 13-year-old girls accosted her on the set and told her they loved the Lucy/Kevin relationship. I think Brenda's dirty little secret is that those three girls are now on the writing staff.

“We Do”, Airdate 4.21.03

Lucy’s wedding day arrives, along with torrential rains, a plague of locusts, schmaltzy flashbacks and Bo Derek. I’ll let you decide which is more horrifying.

We open with the rehearsal, where everyone hovers about without enthusiasm. Gabrielle (Phyllis Diller!) arrives, announces that Lucy’s grandparents will not be attending, and offers to help. Both Lucy and Ruthie refer to Gabrielle as a “bad omen.”

Lucy stays up all night fretting about her pretty princess wedding, and decides to go wake up Kevin for some encouragement. Kevin is in bed, shirtless, hairless and shimmery. Maybe I haven’t seen enough naked men (shut up, anyone who went to college with me), but he just doesn’t look natural. Lucy expresses astonishment that Kevin is not wearing pajamas. In Lucy’s mind, it is 1954, which may be the last time any man went to bed in anything more than boxers. As they snuggle and discuss whether to cancel their big day because of the storm, the whole family hovers in the hallway with flashlights. God, these people creep me out. Lucy decides to go ahead with the wedding, because few things in life are so able to fill the abyss of Lucy’s neediness and love of attention.

Annie and Ruthie have a late-night discussion about Ruthie wanting to elope when she gets married. Hooray, Ruthie! Naturally, Annie pitches a fit about how nobody can ever get married without my approval why oh why do my children hate me? (On a side note, I once told my mom that I would hate a big wedding. Her response? “Thank God!” Proof that hippie liberal heathens sometimes make the best mothers).

The next day is full of get-to-the-wedding zaniness and madcap hijinks. Gabrielle goes to pick up Alzheimer Grandpa and flirts with him mercilessly. Kevin’s sister Patty Mary (no, really, that’s her name), gets stranded in Buffalo but meets a nice man at the airport. Everyone meets men at the airport on this show. Mary and Matt are trapped in New York, and…Robbie who? Oh, that’s right, that guy who was on the show for four years and mysteriously “moved to Florida” (aka the actor is in rehab).

Woefully Miscast Rachel Blanchard and Chandler (remember them?) drive to Las Vegas to retrieve Bo Derek and Brain-Dead Ben. On the way, Rachel Blanchard gets the flu, Ben eats Fritos, Bo Derek continues to be Bo Derek, and everyone gets in a brawl at a service station. No, seriously. Chandler and Ben get in a fight over Rachel’s honor, Rachel whups Bo Derek, and the show officially, now and forever, ceases to make any sense. I mean, as much as I sympathize with the desire to hit any number of these characters, a minister beating people up at a service station in the desert is utterly Lynchworthy.

Now that we’ve dispatched with the random characters foisted on us in the last year, let’s get back to Princess Lucy. Lucy spends the whole day with her hair in curlers, which is confusing because her hair is straight and flat during the wedding. She hugs both parents, who have a series of flashbacks: Lucy baking brownies, Lucy actually having friends, Lucy’s party celebrating her first period (that was the pilot episode, I’m not making that up), and Lucy’s hair progressively mutating throughout the seasons. Seriously, dude, don’t do the Velveeta acid.

Everyone gets organized to go to the church. Eric hugs Kevin, Ruthie wears a bridesmaid’s dress, Neck-of-Steel Cecilia has no lines but is in the credits anyway, Teeth-to-Spare Peter thinks Ruthie is just lovely, my eyes fall out of my head, and Mike retches in a corner. Everyone makes it to the church on time: Mary in her flight attendant’s uniform, Matt in jeans, Ben in mud, and Rachel Blanchard in sweat and vomit. (Incidentally, sweat and vomit are my two top reactions to this show).

Lucy has a pre-wedding freakout, which I transcribe below:

Lucy: Maybe I shouldn’t get married yet – I haven’t finished school, I don’t have a career, maybe I should have some money in the bank first and NOT get married at 20.

Shannon: For the love of God, yes! Finally someone’s making some sense!

Annie: I know my daughter, and this is just cold feet. If she really really loved me, she’d get married before she's an old maid!

Matt: Patri-ARCHY! Patri-ARCHY! Rah rah rah!

Lucy: OK, I’ll get married. Matt, can you zip up my dress?

There is something utterly creepy about asking your brother to dress you. The wedding scene itself is mercifully brief, with applause and “traditional vows.” For your amusement, Mike and I have rewritten them.

Shannon (for Kevin): I promise to control and manipulate you, hold my mysterious wealth that the writers invented for me over your head, respect and cherish your family more than you, and laugh behind your back, forsaking all others, forevermore.

Mike (for Lucy): I promise to yell and shout, to hold you responsible for everything that goes wrong, and flirt with everyone while forsaking all others, forevermore.

Intentional humor: 6 Unintentional humor: 3 Preachiness: 4 Histrionics: 8 Items thrown at television: 18

Worst Disaster on Lucy's Wedding Day

Which of the following most signifies to you that Lucy's wedding is a sign of the Apocalypse? Torrential rains Velveeta acid flashbacks Lucy's flat hair after six hours in curlers Bo Derek Kevin's shiny, hairless chest Current Results