Wednesday, February 23, 2011

It's the Final Countdown! (Try not to picture GOB in a wedding gown)

Hello, four remaining readers! Remember me? I've been rather busy lately, what with the fact I'm getting married in TEN DAYS. According to common (and sexist) stereotyping, my life right now should be a fondant-flavored blur of errands, meltdowns, manicures and utter self-absorption. Unfortunately, that's my usual state of being.

My bridal state seems to be one of eminently not giving a flying frick.

I started off with mild wedding hysteria. Towers of magazines, dress excursions, overly complex emails to my ever-patient bridesmaids, and a round robin of color schemes. I even had a nightmare where my bowling-themed wedding was changed at the last minute to a hotel ballroom wedding with ice sculptures, and I fell on the ground and wept. (Note: why DIDN'T I have a bowling wedding?)

A few weeks ago, however, a switch flipped. I achieved bridal burnout, which is sort of like a Demerol high*. If I could distill this stuff and hand it 'round like a flask of bourbon-flavored joy, I would. It's amazing.

I knew it was all over when I ordered a light-up plastic arch for ceremony decor, as, hell, it got stuff off the list and was on sale for $34.99. We'll just glue something festive to it and be done. I realized I didn't have something old or borrowed to wear, and fell upon the idea of kidnapping a nursing home resident for the day. Brando asked me about the menu, my response was, "Is there food on it? OK, that works." I even plan a ceremonial torching of my Martha Stewart Weddings, as there was never a time in my life I'd contemplate baking anything, let alone my own wedding cake.

I'm sure most of this is a sort of stress-induced catatonia. But at least some of it is a rare flash of maturity. Hell, I get to spend the rest of my life with someone who will gleefully watch homicidal bird films like ThanksKilling and Birdemic: Shock and Terror. We love bourbon, good food, and each other. He's my best friend.

And the wedding? Well, I've learned that the people who love you just want to wish you well and have something mind-altering to drink. Anyone who expects a shebang, or makes the event about themselves, isn't a true friend. Your wedding is as good a time as any to learn that.

In the comments, tell me if I should have held a ThanksKilling theme wedding, complete with a malicious rubber turkey as the officiant.

*No, I've never been high on Demerol. (Hi, Dad.)


lacochran's evil twin said...

You could both wear make up to look like your eyes have been pecked out. Nah....too Tim Burton.

One Blonde Girl said...

Okay, so a bowling wedding would have been sweet, but I can't comment on the ThanksKilling theme as I only made it through the first 7 minutes before I had to stop watching for fear that I would literally die from laughing. Er, I mean, the opening of ThanksKilling was pure cinematic genius. Yeah. But I'm sure whatever you decided to do will be good too.

Dakota said...

I'm not exactly rocketing towards marriage at this point in time -- but on the off chance it somehow crops up as a possibility, I'm absolutely going to push for bowling as the theme. (Wedding meal: TURKEY).

In related news, thank god you're back: we've missed you.

Shannon said...

Lacochran - Or like Bai Ling in The Crow. Sadly, that film was a high mark for her, fashion-wise.

OBG - Nice tits, bitch! (Said to the hapless topless pilgrim in the opening scene.)

Dakota - Not rocketing towards marriage in a PRT? I think my ex is still at the PRT near the giant Buddhas, he proposed after about six months. Look him up?

Titania said...

Damn, I have not gotten you the booze bouquet I had planned as wedding gift yet!!! AARRGGGHHH. I will arrive, promise. Can't wait for next weekend :-)


Mr. J said...

Mmm. Bourbon.

Shannon said...

Titania - Booze bouquet! Best idea ever.

Mr. J - Mmmm, bourbon for breakfast?

Carla @ I Run, You Run said...

I was fine the weeks leading up to the wedding. Then the day before I was a ball of anxiety. I only got nervous when the veil was put on, not because I was getting married, but because everybody would be LOOKING AT ME.

But, it all went well, I had the time of my life, and 3 months later, my friends still talk about how the wedding in Rio, Brazil, was the best they ever been to.

Totally worth it!

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