Wednesday, November 03, 2010

The Barbiegeddon Bunker

This isn't the place to come to for informed, intelligent post-election analysis.

Instead, I've decided to skip ahead and map the road to 2012. Why live in the present, when the past has the lovely glow of idealism, and the future is yet to be shaped? So I'd like to get all Nostradamus on you, minus creepy predictions about blue turbans and Hister.

Instead, I'll forecast something scarier. I predict a Palin-O'Donnell ticket.


In fact, I would highly encourage one, just because I would love the entertainment value of Tea Party Barbiegeddon. And, due to circumstance, the endless gullibility of the public, and jerks like me who would vote Palin-O'Donnell for giggles...they could win.


They'd be taken at their word for everything they have ever said they could fix (hint: claiming you will balance the budget by eliminating "waste" is intellectual laziness of the highest order). And then they'll be forced to read the Constitution once in a while, and be disappointed with its actual contents. And then the electorate will be forced to take "Second Amendment remedies" to manage our disappointment.


This will hasten the onset of the Apocalypse, complete with Michael Bay explosions and a merry band of elitist survivors with artfully applied dirt and bruises. My current plan is to be one of those survivors. Heck, I want to be their leader.


To that end, I've decided to build the Barbiegeddon Bunker. I will stash it with gin and Twinkies and books above a fourth-grade reading level. I will interview participants, for both bartending skills and ability to fend off looters. And it will be fun. Karaoke among the cockroaches. Martinis amid the mayhem. Merry toasts to the decline of civilization. You don't even have to agree with my politics. You just have to be civil and agreeable. Who's in?


In the comments, tell me why you should be allowed to live in the Barbiegeddon Bunker. Or tell me how my college education, which I earned via hard work and graveyard shifts, makes me an "elitist" who is out of touch with the "Real America." Because I love divisive language and electoral nerd-bashing.

14 comments:

hannah said...

I'm a good cook, a good roommate, and I give great blowjobs. These are excellent skills to have in your skillset arsenal in the bunker.

Titania said...

I am a geek by definition, a decent cook (can make empanadas!), will bring tons of wine and tarot cards, and spent a year doing martial arts, so I can at least try to kick looters' butts. Also, I will sing and dance Carlos Vives and Juanes with you int he middle of the Apocalypse. Gotta have that in the bunker, methinks.

hannah said...

Oh I forgot! I'm also a good shot!

Malnurtured Snay said...

I have hundreds of books (including some UNDER a 4th grade level) and own guns. I also don't drink a lot, and am calling dibs on Hannah.

FoggyDew said...

I'm an Eagle Scout, former Marine, a better shot than just about anyone you'll find, a good conversationalist, decent cook and look great in a tux (you can't abandon style during the Barbigeddon). Should the need arise, I could be the source of a large amount of "Uruguayan barbeque." I also have no problem with the concept of relaxed sexual morals should the need to repopulate the District arise. Or even if it doesn't and it's just a boring Tuesday night in the bunker.

Shannon said...

hannah - The first two are more useful to me, the third is actually a slight hindrance in case we need to repopulate the planet. What the hey, you're in!

Titania - And what's an Apocalypse without empanadas? Welcome to the bunker!

Snay - So I've got you down for running the bunker library.

Foggy - At this point, we may have to upgrade from bunker to compound. How are your log-splitting skills?

FoggyDew said...

Not too bad, I can wield a mean ax. Believe it or not, one of my Boy Scout awards was the Paul Bunyan Award.

Brando said...

Here's why I should be in the bunker group:
1) As a man of the law, future society will need laws.
2) I paint well, and the future needs artwork.
3) I can cook some key things very well that the future needs, including pastas, bbq, french fries, chilli, pizzas, and samwiches.
4) My expert use of logic and reason will be useful in dealing with the CHUDS and mutants who will occupy the outerworld and with whom we'll need to barter.
5) Repopulating the species. Enough said.

J said...

Brandon: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0u9JAt6gFqM

Personally, my apocalypse skills lie in the laughter milieu. Without laughter, I think that the living would envy the dead.

To be fair, I can also act as tater tots/Flavor Ice/vodka supplier, and Macgyver whatever tech stuff we find leftover to make useful apocalypse devices like automated leg scratchers and motorized tie racks.

PunditMom said...

My college education also came through hard work, graveyard shifts (at more than one job at a time) -- so much so, I was on what I call the "eight year plan." Same with my law degree. So I guess you and I can have a special "elitist" club! I'll be sure to tell my parents, who are farmers, that Sarah Palin thinks they're elitists, too, for raising a daughter who worked hard for her education. ;)

Mr. J said...

Isn't Barbiegeddon the opening scene of Idiocracy? I've never seen it, but that's what I imagine it must be.

I'm armed and an Eagle Scout. My wife can make homemade twinkies and just about anything else in the baked realm.

Shannon said...

Foggy - PAUL BUNYAN AWARD? How have you kept that a secret from me for all these years?

Brando - Considering we're engaged and all, I figured you were already in.

J - You had me at "motorized tie rack."

Punditmom - Ha! I'm not sure when it became uncool or "elitist" to be educated, but it's definitely somewhere on the Idiocracy continuum.

Mr J - Barbiegeddon comes later - and don't worry, the bunker will have a FryDaddy for all our twinkie needs.

PottsAntiques said...

Holy crap I loved this post (found you from etiquettehell.com.
Yeah, there are some people around whom I'm not allowed to have an opinion because I "went to that elitist NY college" so I "don't understand the real world." I guess they forget that my mom is a public school teacher and my father worked in a factory until it closed in 2005.
My education makes me less of a person.

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