Thursday, July 01, 2010

The Pants Really Made the Outfit Hang Together

After the debacle of the Bridal Book, I decided to swing by Staples last night to pick up some office supplies and make my own Bridal Book.

While I was there, I noticed that Cleanser with Bleach was on sale for a dollar. (Yes, I know it’s bad to wash your home with chemicals. But I don’t have pets or kids, so I will use chemicals until such time as I catch party guests licking the kitchen counters. At which point I will continue to use chemicals…once I have moved to a new home without leaving a forwarding address.)

Anyway, I picked up a bottle of Cleanser with Bleach from the bottom shelf. The bottle, as it turns out, was unscrewed. A torrent of cleanser and bleach washed across the floor, my arms, and my pants. With tingly arms and a wounded spirit, I wandered up to the cash register. I asked for a restroom, paper towels, and a chance to wash up.

The very nice Staples clerks, discombobulated as they were, granted my requests. I washed up, and again, and again, until the bleach tingliness had subsided.

After I left the store, I deliberated on my next course of action. I’m pretty sure Staples owes me a pair of pants. I decided to write a letter. An angry letter demanding restitution for the dishonor done to my pants.

I was set upon this course of action until I remembered one thing: I’d watched The Big Lebowski over the weekend. And, since I’m pretty sure it’s a totally true story, demanding a new rug led the Dude to a dead friend, a trashed apartment, a kidnapping mystery, and a destroyed car. So maybe I ought to not tempt the Fates in such a way.

However, it’s somewhat gratifying to know that, no matter how happy I am, the real world will always be there to ruin my pants.

In the comments, imagine the movie where I get involved in a Staples-centric film noir.


Desert Fox said...

Just remember we are reminded at that end of The Big Lebowski that things worked "ok" for the dude. So see what Staples has to say.

Jamie said...

OMG! You could be the next Roy Pearson! Definitely sue them for $54 million dollars.

Shannon said...

DF - That line never fails to crack me up.

Jamie - YES! Where's my $54 million, Staples? Where is it?

Ibid said...

From my jeans shopping experiences of the last decade or so I'd say you've probably increased the value of your jeans 3-5 fold. Use them to mop up some oil, throw them in the mud, and drive over them a few times and you should be able to ask $150 or so for them.

What? Me? Bitter? No. I just happen to be the last person who thinks new jeans should be in better condition than his old ones.

Lemon Gloria said...

Hmm. It would be so much worse for someone to micturate on your pants than on your rug. On the upside, you might meet some hilarious Nihilists?

Shannon said...

Ibid - Sadly, they were dress slacks. Which are never improved by "weathering."

LG - And then I could meet a nihilist Aimee Mann! With nine toes! Ordering pancakes!

Brando said...

I'm so conflicted on this one. On the one hand, I'm always anti-pants. And yet on the other hand, this aggression WILL NOT STAND. You have to draw a LINE IN THE SAND.