Thursday, June 03, 2010

Can You Hear My Body Talking?

Apparently, no matter how a woman positions her feet, it means she totally wants to jump your bones. In related news, this article purports to explain women's body language.*

Let's get the obvious bit out of the way: yes, the article is sexist and full of obnoxious stereotypes.

Apparently, like all women, I am a manipulative, hyperemotional weirdo who, "Say[s] "I'm fine" when [I] mean "I am about to start bawling -- and I'll never let you forget it." And you can tell by my posture that I'm "prepared to be obedient." (Unless I'm decked out in bondage gear, an apron, and am making you a sandwich, stay far away from that assumption.) Finishing the article felt like coughing up a hairball of shame in a windstorm of self-loathing.

But that's not the worst part. The worst part is that it's the most godawful advice about women I've ever seen. I was waiting to be told that when I take a special lady to the movies, I ought to yawn and then drape my arm across her shoulder.

Every pose means that the headless babe in the photos totally wants you:

Hand on neck: Trusts you, wants to jump your bones.
Hand on waist: Apparently a very aloof form of zombie, but still wants to jump your bones.
Crossed legs: Obedient (ed note: barf), will sit there forever for the opportunity to jump your bones.
Crossed legs, perched on chair: Wants to aggressively jump your bones.
Sitting up straight: Thinks she's at church, but would jump your bones at church.
One knee on chair: The other knee would like to be jumping your bones.

I could go on, but you get the idea. If this article catches on, every fidget, pose, shifting of feet or neck itch will be interpreted as a blatant come-on. The bars of America will be filled with shrieking women, hurling bar tables and pool cues at the relentless hordes of clueless men, who are just trying to attain the impromptu bone-jumpings promised to them by Asylum. Eventually, women will invent new postures to throw them off the scent, so that every sidewalk looks like an interpretive dance recital. Eventually, women will find a way to live as motionless fleshy mannequins, men will give up, and the human race will die out.

That's right, folks: We're not just looking at awkward and juvenile bad advice, we're staring into the abyss. If this article catches on, it'll be the END OF HUMANKIND.

*Hat tip Adrienne for finding this slice of Internet glory.

In the comments, tell me about your posture, and whether it means you think I'm sexy. Or tell me the plot of your dystopian film, set five years after the Asylum article is adopted as the new gospel.


Lemon Gloria said...

My problem in reading the article was that I was critical of her outfit and fixated on her ugly shoes.

But of course I would totally jump your bones if I were a guy and you were wearing shoes like that. Particularly if you had your neck bared, legs crossed, one arm behind, and were standing on your head.

Ibid said...

If a guy is visible it means he wants to jump you.

Shannon said...

LG - Flat espadrilles? No woman can give off sex signals in FLAT ESPADRILLES!!!!

Ibid - Even the mailman? Gross.

J said...

I refuse to acknowledge your commentary on this article, as it implies there are women who don't want me.

Alex said...

The article is sponsored by Axe Body Spray for Men, which tells you pretty much all you need to know about the people reading it.

Shannon said...

J - We all do. Really, I asked all 3 billion of us.

Alex- The sort of people who believe this article are probably the same sort who think the Axe commercials are a documentary.

hannah said...

I can't get over the mental image of you in bondage gear. You tease.

Titania said...

My legs are crossed, seating and leaning towards the computer screen, which I thought was because I am blind and not wearing my contacts, but no, I was wrong, it all means that I am turning into lesbian and yes, I do want to jump every single of your adorable bones!